Sergei Bachlakov / Fox

Why Is Megan In Such A Rush To Have Kids Have Kids On Wayward Pines?

And other pubescent questions from this week's episode.

While last week featured the return (and subsequent permanent exit) of fan favorite Nurse Pam, this week brings us the return of Adam, who's been out looking for other human survivors; and Xander, who is...a person. Seriously, that was the only thing I could have told you about Xander before this episode. He was, allegedly, in the van with Theo and Ben when they were dropped off on the other side of the wall in the season premiere, but I don't remember that AT ALL. Then again, I literally lost my house keys twice in the past month, so my mind is not the most reliable. Perhaps I've been preoccupied with the other minor mysteries of Wayward Pines, such as....

Why is Megan is such a hurry to get that ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD pregnant?

Somehow, the fact that the local population was abducted and cryogenically frozen 2,000 years earlier is not the creepiest town feature of Wayward Pines. Nor are the rabid monsters -- which communicate Jurassic Park 3-style -- living in the boondocks. No, the most disturbing part of town life is the "academy" where everyone's kids are paired up and forced to procreate the second they hit puberty.

Last week, we met Lucy, one of Megan's students who had yet to "bloom." (Lucy is played by Emma Tremblay, sister of Room star, Jacob. I guess if you're going to ruin one of your kids' psyches with a traumatic acting role, you might as well fuck the other one up for life too.) Now that Lucy's gotten her period, thereby achieving the absolute bare minimum requirement for womanhood, she's dodging Megan left and right. But Megan's been at this for fifteen years and knows how to read the signs. She eventually corners Lucy in the salon where she works as Rebecca's lil' apprentice and tells her to stop whining and start "serving a higher purpose" by becoming a baby-making machine. If not for Rebecca showing up and literally wheeling Megan out the door, Lucy would have been forced to spend that night in one of the academy's procreation chambers instead of the safety and comfort of Rebecca and Theo's home.

Megan believes forcing tweens to fuck is both a "survival strategy" and the divine mandate of David Pilcher himself, but she's coming on a little strong here, even for her. Last season, she steered Amy and Ben together with a significantly subtler hand, suggesting that they head up to Fuck Mountain when the time felt right -- and they were already fifteen, ancient by Season 2 Megan standards! What's the rush now? The town's still recovering from a post-war recession. The last thing it needs is more mouths to feed.

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Will Toby Jones receive residuals for licensing his image to the hit off-off-off-off-Broadway play, Pines!?

Pines! is no Stark Raving Mad, but I'm here for this new trend of meta-theater on television. I will be severely disappointed if the new season of Orange Is The New Black doesn't begin with Crazy Eyes recapping Season 3 in a one-woman show.

How strong are the abbies supposed to be, exactly?

I was under the impression that the abbies' unparalleled speed and strength were canon, yet this Xander guy is able to take one out with nothing but a knife? Who exactly is in charge of the Wayward Pines show bible?

Who else is on the child-matchmaking council besides Megan?

Rebecca mentions to Theo that more than person is in charge of deciding which Ding Dongs to match with which Ho Hos. Maybe it's because I've been bingeing Gilmore Girls over the past month in anticipation of the Netflix sequel season, but I immediately pictured one Taylor Doose, Stars Hollow's town selectman and resident fussy, asexual bear, flipping through binders of tweens, judging their mating potential.

Is Wayward Pines about to kill off its first gay character mere minutes after outing him?

When Lucy deduces that it was her older brother, Frank, who let slip to Megan that she got her period, she asks him how he'd feel if she were to tell Megan "things" about him. That oblique comment is followed by shots of him sadly watching his fellow orphan boys playing basketball and horsing around in their dorm. In the closing minutes of the episode, Frank throws on his hoodie and sneaks out of the dorm to get some alone time (and hide his frustrated teenage boner, I'm assuming), only to be interrupted by the appearance of an abby on the WP carousel.

Since the episode ended on a cliffhanger, I'm guessing Frank will somehow escape the abby before it can tear him to tiny, gay bits. Before the credits rolled, though, I was very concerned that we'd have to add another name to this year's disproportionately long list of dead LGBT characters. It's possible I could still be proven wrong, but Frank's story is such a potentially rich one that I don't see the show disposing of him so hastily. In a society obsessed with procreation as a survival strategy, what good does a gay kid serve?

Does the Wayward Pines carousel have a "foreboding horror" detector?

I may not come from carny folk, but I understand the basic principles behind operating a merry-go-round. They don't just magically switch on and back off again when a scene calls for eerie ambiance. There's, like, an "on" button, or whatever.

How did someone other than Adam discover the abby?

Adam spends his first day back in Wayward Pines drinking on park benches and huddling in dark corners, visions of rabid abbies (whom he refers to as "our replacements") popping into his head every other minute. It may be the most ham-fisted depiction of PTSD I've ever seen. I initially let it go because it seemed inevitable that the episode would culminate with Adam being attacked by an actual abby while he tries to convince himself that it's all happening in his head, yet it's Frank who discovers the monster.

Why is Xander allowed back through the fence with Adam?

Xander was exiled because of his involvement with Ben's rebellion, yet he's welcomed back into the community after living on the outside for two weeks. For what reason? The Wayward Pines leadership, which punishes troublemakers with shock therapy for such banal crimes as referring to their pre-WP existences, is going to forgive a man who took up arms against his neighbors? Kerry says Adam's survival in abby territory has made him a local hero, but that makes about as much sense as...okay, fine, literally 90% of the shit on this show.

Were Kerry and Xander clandestine lovers before the WP Civil War?

It's more likely that Xander was Rebecca's male mistress (misteress?), but I wouldn't be too surprised if Kerry had been getting some sweet loving from Wayward Pines's sweets shop proprietor as well, purely based on this electric exchange:

What's the flavor of the day?
Corn.
Really? I was banking more on remorse.

Booooooooooooo.

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