Bernard Walsh / History

Why Does Vikings's Rollo Want In On Bjorn's Seemingly Doomed Cruise?

Also, Aslaug's psychic, so why isn't that more useful? Liane Bonin Starr has questions about the latest episode of Vikings!

Why does everyone wash up on the beach unconscious but not dead?

We've all seen it about a million times on TV and in movies, but seriously, how does that happen? Let's say you're knocked unconscious and are merrily floating along, face down. Don't you drown? Do you develop convenient gills in the back of your neck? If leaving a toddler in the tub unattended for more than fifteen seconds results in a manslaughter charge and endless public shaming, why does a grown-ass person just comfortably pass out, awaken, spit some water out of his lungs, and go about his day? Is this covered in a high school life skills class I missed?

Why doesn't Ivar at least have hardcore knee pads? Also, butt pads?

I think there's some extra padding in his knee area, and he does get dragged around a lot by resentful Vikings, but the guy needs tiny little shields on his knees. Wouldn't that be both attractive and useful? He isn't going to have Ragnar around to insult and call donkey for long, you know.

Why does Gisla have all the kids in court?

Yes, it's a beautiful shot of Gisla sitting on the throne, alone, while her three kids stand around her wearing their best sad orphan Oliver Twist faces. I appreciated the slow pan to Rollo's empty throne. Really, it's a DP's wet dream. But when Vikings show up who might want to kill your husband and/or get themselves killed by an antsy but loyal soldier, isn't there a nanny who can take them? A cook? A large but easygoing St. Bernard? I thought royalty didn't even bother with their spawn, especially before the days of photo ops, but nope, Gisla wants them front and center to see if they can pick up any tips on how to take a hostage. Nice.

Why did Margrethe decide to snitch after Ivar left town?

I didn't get the impression that Margrethe was happy to be chatting with Lagertha, but Astrid had a pretty good question: if she was so frightened that Ivar was going to kill her, why did this issue only come up after he'd left town and was well out of raping range? Doesn't matter. Margrethe is a helpless pawn who seems miserable except when she's having sex with almost anyone other than Ivar, so it's not like she was going to Human Resources with a complaint or something.

Why can't Ivar take a compliment?

Ragnar tells Ivar he underestimated him and sees greatness in his physically challenged son. It seems like a pretty nice compliment, by Viking standards, especially after the guy takes away Ivar's walking device and makes him crawl around on the ground. Does Ivar thank him? Does he hug his dad? No, he points out that this was probably the only time he'd ever heard the old man (I mean, come on, Ragnar's over thirty so he's one flu bug away from dead) admit a mistake. Later, he calls him a donkey as Ragnar carries him on his back. Ivar is meant for greatness, clearly, because he's just enough of an asshole to take the throne.

Bernard Walsh / History

Bernard Walsh / History

Why does Rollo want in on Bjorn's nonsense and seemingly doomed cruise?

So, after Rollo brings in the map guy from Paris, it seems pretty clear that Bjorn is screwed if he insists on taking his little trip through the Mediterranean. There are angry Muslims to the left of him, jokers to the right, and there he is, stuck in the middle with Rollo. So, of course Rollo wants in! That makes sense. I know -- once a Viking, always a Viking -- but maybe he could just try an ax-tossing workout or kill a few annoying villagers.

Why Gisla gotta be like that?

While Rollo is borderline irrational in wanting to throw off his royal robes to slash and burn his way through Europe, Gisla is not exactly sanguine about the news. When threatening to kill the kids isn't effective (and I could see Gisla following through), she crumbles like a stale, French Wheat Thin and says she "probably" won't be around when and if Rollo returns. Yeah, she'll wait.

What exactly is Lagertha going to do with '80s Hair Band Guy and Ubbe?

I suspect she's trying to be a thoughtful mom and ex, since Bjorn probably has a soft spot for his half-brothers and Ragnar likes them enough to visit them every ten years, but it seems like a bad idea to keep them alive. It's not as if she needs a bargaining chip with Aslaug, who doesn't seem to do much other than have visions and apply eyeliner.

Is keelhauling a way to say "I love you" in Viking?

Bjorn didn't kill Rollo by dragging him under a ship, and Rollo seemed to think it was good fun after he finished puking seawater, but yikes. I guess it's the ancient equivalent of getting matching T-shirts and performing trust exercises.

Jonathan Hession / History

Jonathan Hession / History

Wasn't there a way for Lagertha to have a peaceful coup?

In the middle of everything, Lagertha calls an end to the attack on Kattegat. It's very nice of her, since these are her people and all, but did she even have to kill all the people she had killed? If she had, instead, threatened to take away Aslaug's favorite couch or hair comb, she might have gotten the whole place without spilling a drop of blood. Actually, Aslaug might not have noticed if she was deposed. Just set up a nice throne for her on the outskirts of town, where she can stare absently into the distance and envision things, and she'd be fine.

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