Jonathan Hession / History

Is There Anything Vikings's Ivar Won't Pitch A Fit About?

And more questions sparked by 'The Great Army'!

Is there anything Ivar won't pitch a fit about?

Ivar is angry. This we know. His mom is dead, his dad is dead, and he isn't going to win a marathon anytime soon. But come on, he really wants to throw down with '80s Hair Band Sigurd about his dad's knife? I'd like to see what would happen if one of Bjorn's kids stole his spoon or a cracker or something. Ivar is just so incredibly pissed that no one wants to kill Lagertha as much as he does he can barely contain himself. He did succeed in bullying Ubbe into staging an insurrection against her, but I almost wonder if he saw Bjorn about to land and decided, "Hey, now's a good time to pretend I'm coming for vengeance! See, Ivar, I can be bloodthirsty, too!"

Are all of Ragnar's kids except for Ivar and Bjorn weenies or what?

Initially, Ubbe and '80s Hair Band Sigurd completely wussed out when it came time to cook up a game plan to avenge Ragnar's death. Ivar foolishly tossed the ball in their direction, and, not unlike housecats or Kardashians, they pawed it, yawned, and looked for a warm corner in which to curl up and lick themselves. We don't know nuthin' 'bout dishin' up no vengeance! I realize I have to remember that Ragnar was an "old" man at the age of, say, thirty-five, so maybe the kids are, despite all appearances and beards to the contrary, ridiculously young, like thirteen or something, but I don't think so. No, Ubbe and Sigurd are just wimpy and prefer to blink and stare at the walls than make plans or strategize. It's pretty clear that Ivar is going to have to lead them all (possibly with his kick-ass ride courtesy of Floki), which Ragnar figured out after a few days spent back at home. Man, I miss that crazy old Viking. It works in superhero movies, you know.

Jonathan Hession / History

Jonathan Hession / History

So what exactly would Ragnar want Lagertha to do, anyway?

Lagertha informed Ubbe that he can't bully her into going to war with Ecbert because she knows what Ragnar would want her to do. This is great, but she could do us a favor and give us something a little more definitive. It seems like she wants to stay and protect Kattegat, but we know Lagertha loves a good day of plundering and slaughtering. It's a shame to let that skill set go to waste, honestly. There's also a pretty good chance Ragnar's kids are just waiting for an opportunity to kill her when no one's looking, and what better time to do that than when she's hacking her way through the battlefield? That may be a cowardly, non-Viking way to go, but it seems perfect for Ubbe and Sigurd.

Jonathan Hession / History

Jonathan Hession / History

Why does it take a blacksmith to state the obvious about Ivar and '80s Hair Band Sigurd?

No, they don't act like brothers. They've never acted like brothers. In fact, we've seen this argument about three times this season, and guess what new thing we learned this week? Oh, yeah, there wasn't a new thing to learn.

How does the gossip about Judith and Ecbert cross kingdoms when the closest thing these people have to social media is some
guy on a horse?

Sure, there are couriers who run very important news back and forth between kings, but it's usually very important news. Ragnar's dead, we need a few bushels of wheat, wanna go kill some people? That sort of thing. I wouldn't want to be the person sniffing around Ecbert and Judith's affair, then tattling to her parents, mostly because I think King Aelle would be a big fan of killing the messenger. Actually, I think he's a big fan of killing, period. The way he snarled at Judith, I half expected him to toss her into Ragnar's old viper pit just for kicks.

Jonathan Hession / History

Jonathan Hession / History

Did Rollo really offer the Vikings an Ecbert land deal?

I'm sure Rollo meant well telling his old Viking buddies how they were more than welcome to come over to Frankia and farm, but dude, Ecbert? Does he not remember that whole "slaughter of the innocent farmers" issue? No one trusts him anyway, so go home and take your beating from Gisla, Rollo.

Floki wishes Bjorn had killed Rollo because he'll be more famous someday?

There are roughly a million reasons why Floki could wish Bjorn had killed Rollo when he had the chance: payback for his betrayal, disliking his snotty French accent, finding his new clothes too girly, and just for kicks. But being mad because Rollo will be more famous someday is a nod to history buffs that makes less than zero sense as actual show dialogue. Stop it, Vikings.

Jonathan Hession / History

Jonathan Hession / History

Margrethe has to be free to marry Ubbe?

I guess the Vikings are pretty evolved about marriage, in that you have to be a free person to get married. Technically. I still don't think Margrethe has much of a choice in the matter, but hey, she's not a slave anymore! She's just a woman, which is usually not that different!

Does Hvitserk know that marriage means keeping someone all to yourself?

He seems to have missed that class. Also, way to make your ex-lover feel really confident about her not-really-choices!

Bjorn and Astrid?

Just wondering what Lagertha would think. That's all. No judgment.

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