Steve Wilkie / History

Ask Vikings's Big, Angry, Symbolic Brown Bear

Just because he/she is a nonverbal mammal doesn't mean he/she doesn't have insight to offer.

Q Dear Big, Angry, Symbolic Brown Bear,

I've been roughing it in the woods for a while, and I think I'm starting to get a little crazy. I found a bucket full of booze, but it might have been fermented pee. I don't know. But I drank all of it until I passed out. Do I have a drinking problem? Or just a bear problem?

Bjorn Again

A Dear Bjorn Again,

There are many signs to consider when assessing whether your casual drinking has become problematic. I would say drinking what may have been pee is a problem -- at least for you finicky humans. I'd be cool with it, because I'm a bear. I'd tell you to seek help, but you turned my flesh into a serape, so fuck you.

Bernard Walsh / History

Bernard Walsh / History

Q Dear Big, Angry, Symbolic Brown Bear,

I've been screwing my husband's dad -- which sounds a lot worse than it really is, I swear. He's super-nice to me, and he's letting me have art classes with a hot but judgmental monk, so I know he cares about me. However, he did have my ear cut off once, so I'm not 100% sure about our relationship. Should I stop sinning, or just enjoy the sex?

Not A Slutty Princess

A Dear Not A Slutty Princess,

I'm not sure some guy letting you fill in the old-timey equivalent of adult coloring books is a real statement of love or even loyalty. I would put even money on King Ecbert lopping off your head once he finds a less demanding playmate. So, I would recommend you enjoy the sex, since it's probably the only thing keeping you alive. Have fun!

Q Dear Big, Angry, Symbolic Brown Bear,

I killed a priest for my best friend, and you know what he did? He tied me up in a cave and let water drip on my head. This doesn't seem so bad until you start going batshit crazy from lack of sleep and a complete inability to go to the bathroom in any dignified kind of way. Also, my only daughter died of a fever while I was strung up, so that sucks. My former bestie finally cut me down, but I'm not sure if I should be grateful or kill him in his sleep. What do you think?


A Dear Betrayed,

Cut your pal a break. He was really supposed to kill you, so you dodged a bullet there. (I know you don't know what bullets are, but that's probably a good thing.) Sorry about your kid, but killing a king is not a bright idea. If you couldn't escape the half-assed gang he sent out to find you the last time you ran away, imagine what will happen when they're really motivated.



Q Dear Big, Angry, Symbolic Brown Bear,

So, I've been really busy lately showing up in people's dreams and visions. I thought I was supposed to go to heaven. What's with all the heavy lifting?


A Dear Athelstan,

You really think you get a fast pass to heaven with all the religious flip-flopping? The Norse gods don't want you, and God is pretty unimpressed. You're going to be showing up in as many visions as your old pals down on earth want. Be happy for the work, heathen.

That said: I do thank you for not wearing a lot of fur. I know you religious types prefer burlap.

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