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Vote For Me, And I’ll Wash Your Windows!

How will Veep's Selina ruin her own campaign for president?

For now, Selina Meyer (Julia Louis-Dreyfus), heroine of HBO’s Veep, is preparing to run for president. I say “for now,” however, because the show is a comedy of failure: if Selina actually succeeds in becoming POTUS, then the show will need not only a new name, but also a new outlook on  politics and social Darwinism.

Until she’s actually sworn in, I’m assuming that Selina and her crack team of fools will find one if not several cringeworthy ways of making the entire nation turn against them. And since, like all political pundits, I have no problem predicting the future of a political climate I’m barely qualified to judge, I’m going to predict exactly how Meyer’s campaign strategies will destroy her.

If even one of these predictions comes true, then I expect MSNBC to give me a show called The Prognosticator, where I’ll sit with some pithy celebrity (hopefully Neil Patrick Harris) and make sassy comments about Hillary’s Twitter feed.

Strategy #1: "A Lady Should Do the (White) Housework"

The Campaign Platform: Selina Meyer’s a woman! Let’s get a lady president up in here!

The Meltdown: In an attempt to endear herself to “everyday women,” Selina challenges a group of housewives from Sheboygan to a vacuum cleaner race.  While she’s running her Hoover down a hallway, she accidentally kills a small child’s gerbil, and when she tries to comfort the kid, she apologizes by explaining she’s never done a day of housework in her life.

Strategy #2: "Nothing Up Her Sleeve But Elbow Grease!"

The Campaign Platform: Complete government transparency.

The Meltdown: Trying to distance herself from the lies that brought down the former president, Selina impulsively tells Rachel Maddow that she’ll be forwarding all of her emails to the White House press corps. She realizes too late that she recently sent a sexually suggestive message to John Kerry about his “swift boat maneuver.”

Strategy #3: "A Big Fence And A Few Holes"

The Campaign Platform: Immigrants: a little bit yes, a little bit no.

The Meltdown: Dan (Reid Scott) convinces Selina that nobody wants the president to take a firm stance on immigration, so at one crucial press conference, she says, “Mexicans are immi-great until they immi-ain’t!”

Strategy #4: "America’s New Rainbow"

The Campaign Platform: Gay people!

The Meltdown: Incensed that her opponents have questioned the sincerity of her commitment to “total gay rights,” Selina storms into a Home Depot, grabs the first woman she can find, and kisses her full on the mouth. A bystander films her screaming, “Taste THAT rainbow, you candy-asses! Selina’s in the sisterhood tonight!”

Strategy #5: "Dude Runs With A Lady!"

The Campaign Platform: Steven Tyler is my running mate!

The Meltdown: Halfway through a whistle stop visit to Walla Walla, Selina is asked to name her favorite Aerosmith song. She says, “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” and Tyler is so stoned that he says it’s also his favorite Aerosmith song. They improvise a duet, and when reached for comment, Randy Jackson says it was pitchy.

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