Will Tom's Check For The Vanderpump Rules Wedding Bounce?
And other dumb but important questions, like what is Lisa doing on that horse?
Hoo boy -- the time has come to abandon the usual rankings and start asking tough questions.
Why isn't anyone complaining about the bridesmaid dresses?
No one's having a meltdown over the bland-to-bad construction and utilitarian design of Katie's bridesmaid dresses? Maybe everyone's just reached that age where it's easier to let a friend enjoy her first marriage than complain about the clunky shoes and nondescript dresses you're being asked to wear.
Why aren't we getting more Scheana?
One of this season's biggest problems is that it chose to focus on the wedding when there's a divorce waiting in the wings. It's not its fault, per se; people always think weddings are more interesting and appealing than they are. What's so compelling about people fighting over the cost of peonies and azaleas, or trying to pick out invitations? And to really be fair, everyone was blindsided when it was reported that Shay had gone "missing" and Scheana's reaction was to freeze her credit cards.
The problem is that the show has presented the wedding as a giant question mark when it was always a sentence written in caps lock ending in two exclamation points followed by an assortment of emoji. Why does it seem like this season's going to end where it should've began?
What's Lisa doing on that horse?
Lisa knows how to make an entrance, and this week she enters on a horse. Yes, a horse. What's she doing riding a horse around West Hollywood? [sigh] I don't know. She tells some story about having run into these two women who walk their horses around the neighborhood. But it doesn’t resolve anything. If anything, I have a lot more questions.
Where's the footage of that conversation? Where's Lisa Vanderpump walking up to two women walking their horses around West Hollywood like, "Oh, hello! I was on my way to work at my sexy unique restaurant down the street and I saw these sexy unique beasts! Oh, these sex monsters. They're gorgeous. Heavenly! Could I ride one? It's only a block...."
Was the scene between Lisa and Jax staged?
I can't prove it, but I have suspicions that that scene was added after the fact to contextualize Scheana's separation.
Why even acknowledge James and Lala?
Given that it's been weeks since we last saw them, I figured they were being carted around in the promos because they had something to offer. On one hand, of course it makes sense to catch up with regulars who suddenly disappeared. On the other, how is it possible that they still don't have storylines? Is this a one-off? Will we be seeing more of them? Am I to expect more creepy dinners with Raquel's strange family? Are they going to make paella next week and talk about James's sweet new gig? Will Lala call SUR until they're forced to hire her again to help with the phones? I don't understand what the endgame is.
Was Stassi at least wearing nude underwear during her photo shoot?
God, I hope so.
Is Tom's check going to bounce?
Remember when Tom insisted on getting a prenup and it was revealed that the cost of said prenup was a third or a quarter of their total assets? That was fun. Anyway, here he is writing a $20,000 check for a $51,000+ tab. (I also don't know how that works out, but whatever.)
How's Tom able to write a $20,000 check when he reported his checking and savings accounts as having about a tenth of that earlier this season? Did he tear it up once the cameras were down and write one for 10% of that amount while a producer took care of the rest? Did he and Katie start emptying their wallets, comically pulling credit cards out of the bi-folds, and later, from their shoes and behind their ears until it was a $0.00 balance? These are all good options, and your guess is as good as mine.
Where's Schwartz's family?
Katie's mom and grandma have popped up a few times, mainly to help fold their dishrag wedding invitations and attend her sixth and eighth bridal showers. Tom's family, however, has been MIA. To be fair, her family's in Nevada and his is in Florida. Still, it's been months of wedding planning and we haven't gotten so much as a phone call home.
Where's the scene where Tom calls his parents and asks how to deal with spending $10,000 on flowers? Where's the scene where Katie shows her mother and future mother-in-law her wedding dress via Skype? Why isn't one of Tom's brothers his best man? Why hasn't Tom's sister stopped by to stir up trouble like Rachel McAdams's character in The Family Stone?
Tonight answered some of those questions: Tom's dad is afraid to fly; money's tight; his sister -- family representative by-proxy -- is busy with work. Enter Jax and Sandoval, who want to surprise him by flying his brothers out. Schwartz has mentioned his brothers before, but it's not as if we know anything about them. Here's a running list of everything we know about Tom's brothers, thus far: they exist; they're triplets; they still live in the same room together at home with their parents; according to Jax two of them share a cell phone.
Bravo's pretty good with callbacks and establishing "characters," so I have to assume withholding a family photo or one pulled from the brothers' Instagram (I also assume they share an account, if they have one at all) is a calculated effort to drum up interest in their appearance now that they've gone and missed their flight.
Or maybe it isn't. What's wrong with Schwartz's family???