Was The Vanderpump Rules Walk Down The Aisle Worth The Season-Long Wait?
And other dumb but important questions, like: Why didn't Katie throw her bouquet?
Was Katie and Schwartz's wedding worth the wait?
Yes and no. Scheana's marital woes coupled with Lala's sudden departure and the lack of a viable storyline for James definitely helped create this shapeless season, but I'm not sure that's any excuse since Katie and Schwartz were always intended to be the focal point. While there's still a huge disconnect between how we went from seeing them drunkenly sniping and sparring with each other to being more in love than ever, I have to say I was very into this wedding. So while the season never quite sold the relationship's trajectory in a believable way, the vow exchange at the ceremony does so in spades.
There are great moments at the reception, but I'm curious why the wedding was split into two parts. There's nothing wrong with this episode, per se, but as a season finale it could have been tighter. (Thanks a lot, Scheana and Shay!)
Would you use a dog as a tissue?
Sandoval does. The dog isn't even heavy, and instead of reaching for his pocket square or wiping the tears away with a free hand, he wipes his face on the dog. It's not even that he's trying to hold the dog away from his blazer because he doesn't want it covered in white hair. He could very easily access his pocket square!
Does he just not want to draw to the fact that he's crying? In that case it's smart. Nobody's going to notice when you wipe your face with a Bichon Frise. Quickly dabbing your eyes with a handkerchief, though, that'll send up the flares.
What's going on with Tom's brothers?
This is what I mean when I say the finale could have been tighter. I don't know if I'm supposed to laugh at Schwartz sneaking off "to feed the boys" -- which presumably means his brothers -- and at one of them making two speeches and calling Tom a "pimp" in it, or cringe. There's been a lot of talk about them being inept wastes of space, but I don't know what that means.
Are we talking in the tradition of a Judd Apatow film, like Knocked Up, where they only own plaid cargo shorts and smell like bong water, or is there legitimately something wrong with them? Schwartz seems to have a soft spot for them as if they didn't get enough oxygen at birth, but everyone else is pretty lax about rolling their eyes and mouthing "what the fuck," so it's unclear. And really, in either scenario, the bigger question is why are we wasting time on this?
Would you play Hall & Oates' "Maneater" at your wedding?
Wedding band Harbor Party -- a nautical take on the B-52s by way of Hotels.com's ironic spokesperson Captain Obvious -- seem to be playing the instrumental version of the Hall & Oates staple. After a season of Schwartz griping about his fiancé's alter ego, Tequila Katie, though, it feels like a strange choice. And quite honestly, it feels like a strange choice for any wedding. But maybe that's just me.
Are Katie and Schwartz being tongue-in-cheek? Did they pick it because it's a fun party song? Did one of their mothers request it? (Jax is living his best life dancing to it, but he's also 37.) Did they even make the playlist, or did they send Harbor Party's manager an email being like, "We'd love it if you could learn these two Drake songs, this Mumford and Sons song, and then I don't know, let's just have fun with it and go eighties"? Is that what happened? Not a huge deal, but a strange musical cue nonetheless.
Will we be seeing more Stassi and Ariana?
I don't think these two will ever be friends (Would the coven permit it?) but this is generally the most I've ever liked Ariana and I really enjoyed her warped dynamic with Stassi as their conversation went from grating to confession to basic AF.
Why didn't we see Katie throw the bouquet?
For all the drunk berating of boyfriends and THs we get of people hoping they'll be next to walk down the aisle, it's pretty weird we don't get see Katie throw her bouquet. And why don't we? We had to sit through all those lame, scatterbrained wedding speeches and watch a dozen men kiss Katie on the cheek because Schwartz left the table and apparently that's a thing in Denmark. We can watch Stassi fix Lisa a plate, but we don't get to see her pissed off reaction when Katie's second least favorite cousin catches the bouquet instead? Get out of here!
Is Lisa drunk?
Lisa doesn't waste a minute at the reception trying to set up storylines for next season. And that's fine, she's an executive producer, but let's also remember why we're here. I don't really feel the need to launch into an arc where Katie and Schwartz start a family just yet. Let's let them set their blenders and toasters up and send their $18.50 burp cloth thank-you notes out first, please.
And what's this about her wanting to partner with Sandoval and Schwartz for a bar called Tom-Tom? It's an intriguing idea, but are we still talking about the same show? Is this a wedding present? I understand having faith in Sandoval because he's a good employee and a better bartender, but Schwartz? Really? What's he ever done except manage to knock his vows out of the park at the last minute that would make her think he'd be someone she get into business with?
Doesn't she remember what happened when he was going to work on her Sangria? Sure, he's just the face of the restaurant, but still! He's always putting his foot in his mouth! Is this really the person she wants walking around asking people how their overcooked risotto is?
Tom's going to rape a bear?
The conversation wherein Schwartz, Sandoval and Jax sit outside after the wedding and talk about their affection for one another is as amusing as it is weird and offensive. Were a bear to come out of the woods and attack Jax right now, would Schwartz and Sandoval fight it? Schwartz, apparently, would punch it the face and then rape it. He catches himself saying it and tries to walk back his words, but it's really jarring. Part of me thinks this is a subconscious nod to that time the internet joked about Leo having sex with the bear on the set of The Revenant, but it's really bizarre regardless. Schwartz, what's going on?
Is Scheana serious?
I understand why she tried to save face in the back half of the season when it was obvious something was wrong in her marriage, but that's also part of the problem. It might be wrong to be mad at her for wanting to maintain some level of privacy, but she's also on a fucking reality show. I don't want to pick on her (yet), but this is the kind of stuff the season could've used. And that's that.
I have a 100,000 questions about this (He has his own room? She really didn't notice he took almost $7,000 from their joint bank account? What kind of music does he even do? Why didn't ever get a flashback or a talking head? Did James have a monopoly on those? I feel like we got a scene where she went to visit the studio at some point, but to what end?) but I'm going to wait until the three-part reunion starts to see what we're working with.