Was This Vanderpump Rules Wedding Sponsored By MillerCoors?
And other dumb but important questions, like why hasn't anyone prepared their vows?
Welcome, all. We are gathered here today to celebrate this season's penultimate episode, and the final stretch of Tom and Katie's wedding death march, together, to holy matrimony.
There's no getting around it: this season's been a dud. Misshapen and intermittently enjoyable, it's effectively a reduced-rate factory reject item. And that's fine! More often than not, it's that shaggy, "one arm's longer than the other" quality I enjoy most about it. The problem, though, is that the responsibility of making those uneven arms look like a fashionable investment and not a waste of valuable closet space fell on Katie and Schwartz.
To be fair, it isn't all their fault. There were other salespeople on the floor, but everyone was too distracted by their fighting behind the register to do anything about me stumbling around the store like a dummy with a handful of cash. (Rest easy, this metaphor's done.) Not everything can be forgiven, but this week does a pretty damned good job of course-correcting as these two gorgons finally make their way down the aisle. Still, I have some questions.
Was this wedding sponsored by MillerCoors?
I find it hard to believe that, after a season of arguing about who's drunker, it's become such a non-issue for the (now) happy couple. So my first question, technically, is where's the unused footage of the six-hour screaming match they had that led to this ceasefire?
Anyway, this being a Vanderpump Rules wedding, it's no surprise to see everyone holding a drink in every scene. (Please hold while I fondly recall Kristen punching a belligerent James in the face at Scheana's wedding.) Still, the sheer volume of Coors Light on display is out of control -- yes, even by these people's/a typical wedding's standards. It's everywhere! Even before Sandoval makes a late, dramatic entrance with a 30-pack! Which, by the way, is the perfect lede for his story about having to rent an SUV to bring down 49 more, along with 10 of Blue Moon. Does that much beer even fit into an SUV? And who's paying for this? Is this his and Ariana's wedding present? But how can that be when his gift is flying Schwartz's three brothers out with Jax? Did he do both?! Was it like, "Hi, we got you sixty 30-packs. Which is 1800 cans. And at five cents a can, well, that's almost $400. So if you bring them to a redemption center, it's almost like we got you two presents." Is that how the conversation went down?
Listen, I only mention it because brands and labels are generally blurred out on these types of shows. So I'll ask again: is this the opposite end of the "Lady Gaga Bud Light Dive Bar Tour" spectrum? Is this potentially corporate sponsored twist of events the reason why Tom and Katie are no longer stressed about money and at each other's throats?
Why is Schwartz giving his mother a ring?
To add about a thousand insults to Katie's two-season-long injury, the reluctant ring-giving, money-pinching, possessed corduroy bear formerly known as Tom presents his mother with a beautiful rose gold diamond ring. Is this his thing now? Is he so far past his commitment and money issues (courtesy of love, and potentially MillerCoors) that this is his new shtick -- elaborate gift giving? Maybe he just loves his mom; who knows?
Was that overlapping dialogue, or do these people think you can get "Lymes" disease from a leech?
Who's to say if there even were leeches in that short, rock-filled Slip-N-Slide of a river the SURvers tubed down? (There probably were, nobody noticed they were bitten, and now those leeches are either drunk or dead.) There's a case to be made for both arguments, but my money's on the latter. So yes, I definitely think a few of those people believe there are leeches in the water ready to feast on them and give them "Lymes." But no, you cannot get Lyme disease from a leech.
How many dick jokes can you fit into a tight forty-three minutes?
So many I eventually stopped counting.
Did Stassi really just say that to her mother?
Hoo boy, did she ever! But hey, after three or four only semi-successful instances of thrusting Dana at us, I'll take it.
Why hasn't anyone prepared their vows?
Is this a real thing that happens, or is this a late 1980s to mid-2000s romantic comedy trope that became an art imitates life/life imitates art thing? Why are couples fighting over assorted sponge cakes and the price of peonies, or screaming at a wedding planner instead of writing their vows? Someone's making your dress and catering the event, write your vows! Or, is this the sort of thing the expression "write drunk, edit sober" was designed for? I'm genuinely curious.
What's wrong with Schwartz's brothers?
So they missed their first flight and then they missed their connecting flight. Are we really supposed to believe that the triplets are so poor and inept they couldn't have gone go to Macy's or Burlington Coat Factory (Goodwill, people!) to find a pair of slacks and dress shirt for themselves?
What's stranger, though, is that their mother's there. Okay, fine, maybe she didn't expect them to attend. Maybe this is her vacation and they're ruining it. But they live under the same roof! They probably share a wall! Why isn't she in the mix? Why isn't she in the background sighing and scolding them with lines like, "I fucking told you to bring daddy's dress shoes! You never listen!"?
And why are Jax and Sandoval acting as if they're in an all-male production of My Fair Lady?
Why didn't anyone realize Katie's dress would drag across the forest and get dirt stuck in it en route to the ceremony?
You know what? I would scream my head off about this, but the reality is that her bridesmaids ruin their manicures getting the dirt out of her train only so that she can walk down the carpet-less forest floor and fuck it up all over again. So let's just move on.
Does it matter if you catch the bouquet if it's not the one the bride walked down the aisle with?
Is some poor bridesmaid going to end up a husbandless, successful small business owner because Katie threw a different bouquet than the pincushion she walked down the aisle with?
Are we surprised Shay's either a jerk or over his current situation?
Yes and no, but more on that next week.