Vanderpump Rules Goes For 'Salivating-ly Salacious'
It's time for the sexy unique restaurant's annual photo shoot! So why is the episode that surrounds it so mild?
In this season's premiere, a few SURvers referred to the annual Us Weekly party as their own Christmas party. I see where they're coming from, but they're wrong. The Us Weekly party isn't their Christmas party; the annual SUR photo shoot is their Christmas party. Only, instead of donning an ironic sweater and skipping lunch because there's sure to be a spread from the restaurant downstairs, like a typical Christmas party, it's skipping all meals forty-eight hours prior because you're going to be photographed nude opposite a giant prosthetic roast pig.
Yes, the annual SUR photoshoot is more work and less play, but by and large the majority of the cast is literally in hog heaven and thrilled to be featured in Lisa Vanderpump's elaborate, "salivatingly [sic] salacious" affair. This year actually finds LVP showing restraint in her role as creative director, which is saying a lot considering she's cast herself in the role of Jesus Christ at The Last Supper.
It may be a scaled-back week, but everyone more or less gets a moment to shine. Here's a quick episode rundown before we get into the rankings: Stassi, a serial monogamist, enters recovery...by joining OK Cupid; Ariana goes horseback riding and nearly learns shame; TomKat miraculously solve all their underlying issues in one fell swoop and book LVP to officiate their wedding; Scheana bursts into tears for no reason; Peter finally evens out his tan.
To the rankings!
- Tom Sandoval
This week, Sandoval comes out as a "spray tan aficionado."
He also offers some primo tips on hiding a boner while modeling. I don't need to elaborate, do I?
- Tom Schwartz & Katie
I'm as happy as I am pissed off. Good on them for resolving all their issues and falling back in love with each other. However, that it happened seemingly overnight is, if not suspect, extremely annoying. There are tender, believable moments, I guess. But having sifted through the wreckage of their relationship the past few months (inhaling dangerous fumes, cutting my fingers on the twisted metal of their arcs while I looked for signs of life), I can't help feeling cheated out of a big scene that would have properly put the lid on this storyline once and for all, then shoot it into space where we can't hear them screaming at each other anymore.
I don't not buy the end result, I'm just saying it's too convenient that they learn 400 lessons in the 11th hour because signs of their commitment to one another is the only way LVP will officiate the ceremony. Oh, and the delivery method of asking her to officiate is legitimately terrible, and -- after a season of arguing over money -- really ill-conceived. Mazel, you jerks!
As previously mentioned, this is a scaled-back week. And this being a scaled-back week means that someone like Scheana, who doesn't manage to get a sobering TH or scene where she stands next to the bar holding two wine glasses, looks worse for wear. So, it's zero to a hundred as she and Katie cool down in the SUR lounge patio and she bursts into tears because she doesn't feel as involved with the wedding as she'd like to be. In a pretty easy-going week, this -- coupled with the fact that she literally can't over a fake dead pig -- makes her stick out like a sore thumb.
- Jax & Brittany
Jax, probably insecure about his body or sexuality, doesn't want to spray tan. Later, at the photo shoot, Brittany's mad he isn't more complimentary. Meh. Points to Jax for throwing it out there that the pictures from the photo shoot aren't even on the website, which hasn't been updated and implies that Kristen and Stassi still work there.
She goes horseback riding with Lisa in a package nobody really needs. However, her comments are pretty funny and on-point.
As King of the Farmer's Tan, Peter's has really stuck with and haunted me.
The difference though is that I'm not on a reality show or constantly shirtless/sleeveless. Thankfully, he evens it out this week as prep for the photo shoot.
I gasped when she crawled under the table to get to her seat for the photo. I love LVP, but between the Bump It and fly-aways and jeans and terry cloth Slanket she turned into a deep-V-neck top, it isn't her best look. That aside, she does what she does best this week, which is give sage, condescending advice and tell jokes about blowjobs.
It takes a lot to make a blind date stand out these days, when they're usually either played with faux-sincerity or for laughs. Stassi achieves a nice middle ground, what with adding, "murder, ghosts, and aliens" to Kristen's suggestions for her dating profile. She adds a lot to what's essentially a bit part this week, since she's no longer involved in the SUR photo shoot, or two weeks out from getting married. Best line: "[I'm going to tell him] I didn't let you pick me up because I don't know if you're going to murder me." Her personality really elevates "the material."
Another great showing from Kristen: a character actress making the absolute most out of a supporting role. She bravely defends online dating, and hilariously comes up with Stassi's "About Me" in all of a minute, offering "brunch, dogs, wine, and ranch." She's also not afraid to suggest drinking heavily before a date, or leaving with the essentials, which for her are condoms, Adderall, and Plan B. Say what you want about Kristen, but her "whatever" approach to putting it all out there is oddly refreshing, as reality TV has actually become less reflective of real life and the day-to-day conversations within it over the years.
Also, how excited is everyone now that they know how to get their dog certified as a service dog?!