Vanderpump Rules Cordially Invites You To Katie's Bridal Shower
Plus: Kristen gets the last laugh at the Improv, and James decides to tell everyone about the non-disclosure agreements!
Nothing Lala says makes sense. It seems like it should, thanks to her elocution and finger wagging. But when you dig through her dented Ivanka Trump shoebox of receipts and start auditing, nothing adds up. She says her mother buys her Louboutins and pays for those one-off nights that become lazy weekends at The Beverly Hills Hotel. Which is fine, whatever.
Now we're hearing about Coachella tickets for her and all her friends, a revelation that comes after the Range Rover but before the upcoming trip to Malibu via helicopter.
Is Lala dating a married man? Probably. Is that against the law? No. Is it moral or ethical? Who cares? This is Vanderpump Rules; I only really care whether Stassi or Lisa think something is moral or ethical. And that's an essential part of self-preservation that Lala either doesn't understand or can't accept. Really, though, this rank on the list is due to her being so uninspired. She talks a big game, but at the end of the day she's more than content to sit on the bench and watch from afar.
The Sandoval/Ariana tiff feels like a narrative they created to distract everyone while her married boyfriend sneaks out the back door. Thankfully, it also feels like they're losing their grasp on it. Then there's her visit to James's apartment, which is an endless supply of awful. It's too much, not nearly enough, and I'm over it. Any other year this storyline would be the main event. Who is she dating? Peter Thiel?
Ariana's an anomaly: she broke Sandoval and Kristen up, and somehow managed to look like the victim in the process; she was Scheana's friend at a time when everyone hated her, but was somehow welcomed by the group with open arms; and now she's muscled her way into Katie's bridal shower because she's somehow a groomsman, even though there was almost definitely a conversation about excluding her from the wedding party. And this week, for the first time, we get to see Ariana sweat a little when Katie and Stassi confront her about always defending Lala and having been on trips that she most likely had to sign some forms to go on. She doesn't do anything particularly wrong, or premeditated, but for someone who prides herself on being so smart and a cut above, it's a little late in the game to go to Katie's bridal shower and mansplain why Lala, whom Katie hates, is good.
Katie walks away from the conversation as Ariana's yelling at Stassi that she's not here to talk about Lala or Kristen because she's here for Katie...whom she just offended. Oof.
Kristen is living out loud as her best self, and I love it. However, I'm sorry to report that the routine she and her friends put on at The Improv is really just okay. And that might even be generous. Trust me, I want her to wind up with her own FX sitcom after this just as much as the next guy. That said, it's not as if the night was a complete waste of time. She might not be WeHo's answer to Louis C.K. (that's probably Kyle Richards), but she has the makings of, I don't know, Wendy Williams.
You've got to hand it to her. If we're to believe that the mediocre bit about an app that turns dick pics into art was an elaborate way of showing a roomful of people Jax's private parts and leveling the score: well, she should be writing Broadway-bound plays, not sketches. I'm conflicted because it's a dazzlingly executed literal dick move that's regrettable because of her friendship with Brittany -- who, as usual, deserves to be treated a lot better.
It's hard to say where Jax falls on the garbage spectrum because he's technically a victim this week, since Kristen using a picture of his penis in her set falls under slut-shaming and revenge porn. Still, he's pretty rude to Brittany's mom, who only wants to hear there's a sliver of hope that they'll get married and have kids one day.
Lisa's starting a line of dog apparel; she hates the paint and dress samples Katie picked out; and she brings an inflatable sex doll named Katie to the bridal shower as both a gag gift and hard truth about spending the rest of your life with the same man. Who could ask for more?
It's refreshing to see Brittany be slightly combative and speak out about her feelings. If only it were with Jax instead of Kristen. Baby steps!
- Katie & Schwartz
Distance does make the heart grow fonder, and this week's the proof. They don't do a whole lot (and judging by the promo, it looks like the grace period is short-lived), but the reprieve is very much appreciated after weeks of clenched jaws, narrowed eyes, and fights over zeroes and decimal points.
James's "ice cream addiction" is a bit that has to go. Yes, it's giving us ironic gems in the form of quotes like "it's creamy, it's delicious, it's pretty much everything you'd want in your mouth," but it also feels calculated and undercuts his very real issues. You'll notice James's position in my rankings has changed drastically -- first, for calling Lala on her shit in a productive way, because who wouldn't want to know how a helicopter entered the fray for a weekend in Malibu? And second, for letting everyone know that the reason Lala's boyfriend hasn't really been seen or discussed is because he invites everyone on great trips but makes them sign non-disclosure agreements first!
Plus, I don't know about you, but I wasn't expecting James's meeting with Stassi and Kristen to go as smoothly as it did. But here we are.
Whether it's the breakup from Patrick, or that the show finally knows how to incorporate her again, someone's making the most out of the opportunity that's been presented. Stassi keeps joking that she's the single one in a roomful of couples, but really, she needs to just admit that she's a star and her plus a camera crew is enough: it is, in fact, a match made in heaven. This week, she throws Katie's shower with Kristen and then throws down with Ariana. Both are simple and elegant, and she makes the most out of limited resources.