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The Vanderpump Rules DJ Spins More Yarns Than Records This Week

Meanwhile, the soon-to-be married couple turns off cruise control and heads for disaster.

It's a good week for the SURvers, as they and the show built around them find a happy medium -- unless you're a soon-to-be-married couple or West Hollywood's premier DJ fuccboi. Everyone gets a moment for his or her sizzle reel, even if the overall affect is just lukewarm -- which bodes well for the season's remaining episodes. With new staff members coming out of the woodwork to make bold claims and hurl revelations (James has allegedly slept with at least two of them), let's zero in on the core players, as ranked from worst to first.

  1. Tom Schwartz
    Schwartz is gaslighting Katie real bad. She's not having a great season either -- it's actually going a lot worse for her -- but he's not doing himself any favors by being such an exhausting nag. (It's to the point where it's almost as if he's trying to push her into calling off the wedding.) There's truth to what he's saying about both her and the average cost of a wedding, because yes, both are ridiculous. But it's frustrating that everything he's giving is being delivered in the form of passive aggressive "jokes" and comments. Katie has her issues, but each week he looks a little worse by comparison.

    She might be aggressive-aggressive and her arguments might not always be of clear or sound mind, but at least she broaches things the correct way -- provided you're not Scheana -- and tries to have some sort of dialogue about decisions and cost. In other words: If Schwartz is as concerned about money and Katie's mental state as he claims, he wouldn't pick a fight with her while she's test driving a $179,000 car.

    -500 points for the painfully awkward comments he made in front of the managers of their wedding venue. Get it together, man.

  2. James
    Everyone wants a piece of James -- the unemployed DJ who sleeps in a friend's living room -- and what he has; everyone, whether they know it or not.

    He doesn't understand why he was fired other than that Ken and Lisa are insecure and clearly hate him. He doesn't know why all these girls who've slept with him keep telling people they've slept with him -- I don't get that either -- and take painstaking efforts to document it, other that that the girls are sluts who want to be with him but can't be, and want to ruin him because of it. He's the coolest person in the world with a girlfriend who lives a few hours away that he never cheats on, and three good friends, oops, make that two good friends. He has an iTunes Top 100 hit, goddammit!

    In case it didn't register: I'm very, very jealous. And it probably hasn't registered yet, but thanks to the transitive property you are too.

  3. Tom Sandoval
    Like last week, Sandoval means well. Less awful than in seasons past, his worst qualities are still there, like the ring of scum I very much assume Ariana just can't seem to remove from the toilet in the apartment he's lived in for 12 years; or something like that.

    Were there fewer people to split the time between, Tom's transition into the SURvers' father figure (sorry, Peter!) would feel more complete, and the guilt-laden narrative in which he supports James as a means of absolving himself from, uh, something -- or more likely, as a means of securing a place on his next iTunes Top 100 single -- would make more sense. Instead, free of any real context other than the razor-thin argument that "James is cool, and good people" we're stuck with him whining at Jax for getting James fired. Kristen's right: "What world [are we] living in where Tom and Ariana think Jax got James fired? …Maybe James got James fired." Did you ever think of that?

  4. Ariana
    Again, she means well. I'm warming to her even though it feels like an elaborate trap, wherein I'll be strapped to an uncomfortable chair she bought at a flea market and forced to listen to her riff on what improv and standup are and what they really mean before she tries out new material on me. But I digress…

    I love that she doesn't want to get married and that, more often than not, she's technically on point whenever she breaks down the drama swirling around her in a talking-head. Unfortunately for her, I still don't understand why she and Sandoval are James's biggest cheerleaders. She might raise a valid point to Kristen regarding destructive behavior, but it's also one that's kind of moot given how much Kristen's matured the past year or so.

    Kudos to them for being great friends, but I can't pretend to understand why this is the hill the she and Sandoval are willing to die on.

  5. Kristen
    Kristen sinks her teeth into one exceptional scene. She gets a lot of pleasure out of hearing that James has been fired from Pump and SUR, and gets even more pleasure telling Ariana that she's trash, albeit in a polite, constructive way. Not quite right and nowhere near wrong, it's a middle-of-the-road performance this week, but one I'm happy to have.
  6. Jax
    Jax's weakness turns out to be strength as he largely sidesteps the drama -- there's a bit of screaming -- by (literally) running to Kristen, Stassi, Scheana, Katie & Co. and telling them that Tom and Ariana think it's his fault James got fired. It's still juvenile, but at least he's on the right side of history and avoided putting his foot in his mouth, per usual.
  7. Katie
    Katie has a pretty good week, even if the trip to the Porsche dealership slightly derails her. You can't blame a girl for trying. Still, we're only five episodes into the season and I'm already desperate for some much needed scenes of her and Schwartz at couple's counseling. Weddings are inherently stressful, but this just feels oppressive.
  8. Scheana
    Scheana plays detective this week and it's a good look on her. Like last week -- where it felt odd rewarding her for being just icy enough to Lala -- it feels strange rewarding her for smartly confirming and stirring up drama without coming off as too gross. However, if the end result is debunking the myth that's floating around that anyone should feel bad for James for getting fired or think he's a good person, I'm here for it. Scheana, if you're listening: Stassi et al. are wrong about your smile because the real problem's those nails, which are decidedly not a good look.

    As a quick aside, it feels wrong that she's treating Lala the way she was treated the first season because of her affair with a married man, but since it didn't really come up this week I can't quite fault her for it. Still, I see you, girl.

  9. Lala
    I've got to hand it to Lala for being the most articulate and direct without also being abrasive or downright rude -- even if those are the things that keep me coming back to the show. Lala shines this week, confirming that she's (probably, we still don't know for sure) seeing a married man who buys her things. Which she then brushes past in order to throw James under the bus for cheating on his girlfriend with one of her friends; smart! She also handles herself incredibly well when she confronts James about this, essentially saying that she's more pissed about the lies than anything else, and standing her ground when he enters attack mode and starts spinning out of control like the monster that attacks Wayne Knight in Jurassic Park. It's great work.
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