The SURvers Hit (And Spin) The Bottle On Vanderpump Rules

Schwartz lets it all out, and boy is it a lot to take in!

The SURvers make the most out of their remaining time in New Orleans, squeezing three episodes into one. Here's a rundown of this week's events for context: clad in dresses, Sandoval fights with Scheana and Ariana, arguing that Katie's made Schwartz a battered woman; Schwartz completely implodes; Katie seems likable; Stassi says goodbye to her childhood home, then kisses Peter, who seems like he might be very bad at sex; Kristen writes and performs a monologue; Jax turns out to be a pretty good relationship counselor; Brittany forms a mysterious bruise; Lisa reboots the series mid-season; Mike and Scheana interact on separate soundstages via green screen.

To the rankings!

  1. Tom Schwartz
    Oh, Schwartz. Poor, once sweet, Schwartz. Where to begin?

    His speech is garbled. He's angry, but slow-moving. At one point, he's Billy Bob Thornton in Sling Blade. Schwartz is a mess. It's hard to really tell who's right and who's wrong in, not this episode, but this scenario. Katie is aggressive, but has Schwartz negged her into the shrew role she plays in his mind's eye? I'm starting to wonder if we've been played. Which brings me back to that age-old Bravo question: which came first, the drunk or the other drunk?

    Whenever it feels like they're on the verge of tackling their issues, he has to do a pratfall or lash out. The same is true of Katie, to an extent. His "quirks" are somehow uglier and more upsetting than hers. He'd rather fill his mouth with whipped cream or throw himself off the bed or something. Whereas she flees rooms because he starts things, "I'm sorry we fought because you're an alcoholic/angry drunk." Hers feel reactionary and his feel weirdly pathological. He's cold and sweaty at all once.

    It's never the crime, Tom. It's always the cover-up! Follow Jax's directions and just fess up and move on.

  2. Tom Sandoval

    Tom has a flair for the dramatic. He thinks Katie trapped Tom Schwartz by issuing him an ultimatum, that Schwartz is a battered man (an abused wife, really; horrible, considering they're dressed like women). It's never Tom's message exactly, but his delivery. His at times too passionate defenses of things he believes to be true (to be clear: he's not entirely wrong here, his argument's just ill-conceived) are what derail him. Oh, and his highlights.

    And take your nails off. Smugly wearing press-on nails and justifying it as a quirky joke is gross.

  3. Lisa

    As much as I'd like the show to make a few changes (a nip here, tuck there; it is five years old, after all) I wasn't prepared when Lisa started brainstorming ideas for next season halfway through this week's episode. The season's incorporated background players arguably more than any other to varying degrees of failure. Add Katie O'Malley to the list; a hostess ready to ascend and play the part of SURver.

    Or so she thinks. She doesn't get the part because she can't remember her lines, and unlike Brittany, she isn't sleeping with Jax, a featured player. At least not yet. Consider this a sign of things to come as executive producer LVP figures out how to make her little show sexy and unique again. Which brings us to her final scene; are she and Ken really going to open a new place and let Sandoval invest/help run it? And if so, what does it mean?

  4. Scheana
    Scheana goes to bat for Kristen and Katie. However, she's undermined by literally every scene she has with Shay. You can try to make a case and blame the editing for how strained, tone-deaf, fake, etc. their scenes play out, but you'd be wrong.
  5. Stassi
    Some blistering asides and light making out go a long way in a crowded week. But, for the record, she's been skating by on mediocrity and it's time to step it up.

    Are we taking bets on how long it takes her to invoke the name Tequila Katie?

  6. Kristen
    Her Lady Macbeth spiel is equal parts embarrassing and electrifying. And let's not forget, TomKat's highway to hell/road to recovery is all her doing. Do I agree with what she said to Sandoval, whatever it was? Yes and no. But in a sea of meh, she's a standout.
  7. Ariana
    I have to say, I was really impressed with the way she and Scheana tackled a furious Sandoval in defense of Katie and Kristen. While it's sort of blink-and-you-miss-it, it stands out because she never really disagrees with him unless it relates to her, much less vehemently so.
  8. Grandma Rosemary
    Get Grandma Rosemary on Southern Charm. Give her an office at Bravo. Something! Anything! A talk show with Jill Zarin's mother Gloria!
  9. Jax
    So he ruins his crowning achievement of getting Schwartz and Katie to talk by immediately telling Brittany he wants and expects a blowjob. And, you know, there's an unmentioned bruise on Brittany's cheek at breakfast one morning that gives pause. But Jax's mistakes and shortcomings play to his advantage here. Unlike Sandoval, who victimizes Schwartz and whines whenever he talks about it, Jax's take on Schwartz and Katie's relationship is lucid and spot-on.
  10. Katie
    Sure, she says some gross stuff along the way. Yet, after such a consistently bad showing this season, this week's raw, (generally) scaled back approach works in her favor. Most importantly, she, like Tom throughout the season, comes off as poised and normal by comparison. Shoutout to her and her Four Loko.
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