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Stassi's Just One Of The Many Who Aren't Handling The Bachelor/ette Parties Well On Vanderpump Rules

Hurricane TomKat touches down in New Orleans, leaving devastation in its wake.

Swept up in the Sea of Bourbon Street and personal regrets, this week's trip to New Orleans for TomKat's bachelor and bachelorette parties is the perfect Valentine's Day amuse-bouche. Like a terrarium built to sustain life off the dregs of passion, the episode is slow, claustrophobic, and frequently hilarious in a genuinely upsetting way. Not much happens this week in the way of "plot," but everyone gets his or her moment to shine in the reflection cast by a puddle of tears, empty shot glasses, or a stranger's vomit. And really, what more could you want from a wedding party?

As a refresher, here's a rundown of this week's warped proceedings: Tom and Katie haven't spoken since their fight, and communication between them continues to be in fits and starts; Scheana's (allegedly) the happiest she's been in years; James is spinning the Daily Mail party at Pump and optimistic about his future; Jax shows genuine remorse; Stassi's close to, but not quite on suicide watch; Tom and Ariana, robots, are relationship counselors; Kristen is the voice of reason.

To the rankings, Couples Edition! (Warning: There aren't really any winners this week.)

  1. James

    James isn't actually the worst this week. However, his showing underscores the fact that he no longer serves a purpose on the show, especially with Lala gone. His set at Pump may have gone well, but he still doesn't get it. Thus, the scenes between him and Lisa that we're getting once every two to three weeks, in which he asks if she's ready to have him back are getting kind of ridiculous, and more than a little sad. She's not ready for that. He's not ready for that. I, however, am ready to move on.

  2. Scheana & Shay

    Nice try.

  3. Katie & Tom Schwartz

    A package deal, Bravo's toothless George and Martha are still reeling from last week's disastrous dinner. Katie's upset that her fiancé thinks she's an angry drunk, and continues to undermine her at every turn when it comes to planning their wedding, as well as breaking the spell and returning Ariana to her natural form as a horse.

    Things are already off to a bad start at Scheana's when Shay's walking about in his "I don't give a shit" muumuu (which, it's worth noting, was purchased in Hawaii and is not a Kyle by Alene Too) soliciting relationship advice and disparaging her along the way. Things are better in New Orleans, but it's a quick fix. It isn't long before they're tucked away in separate corners talking to Sandoval and Ariana and fuming.

    It's a thin argument, but the most striking thing this week is Katie earnestly asking, in a talking head, how much blonder, skinnier, cooler, she has to be for her boyfriend to respect her the way he respects Ariana. It's a dark moment from someone who's a month away from getting married.

  4. Brittany & Jax

    Things are going great for the couple until Jax interrupts a heart-to-heart between Stassi and Brittany to perform his version of the "It's not your fault" bit from Good Will Hunting as he apologizes to Stassi (who, it's worth noting, more or less demands it) and basically tells her he's still in love with her. Yikes.

  5. Ariana & Tom Sandoval

    Not the worst, and yet, ugh, the worst. I still don't know what Schwartz was thinking asking her to be a groomsmen, and I'll never really know what she thinking when she accepted.

    As frustrating as it is, though, I can't fault these woke as f Portlandia characters for the problems in Schwartz and Katie's relationship. They might be causing an uptick in fights between them, but I'm not insane enough to think their issues are purely because of them and their involvement in their wedding. Even more frustrating is that they're technically the strongest couple this week. Garbage people, but unified nonetheless.

    As an aside: I don't really think you two are adding anything to this series anymore even though you keep leaving granola in your wake for texture. And, Sandoval, if you want to be on RuPaul's Drag Race with your padded shape wear and nods to Roxxxy Andrews, then go be on RuPaul's Drag Race.

  6. Stassi & Whomever Will Have Her

    Turns out she's a great girlfriend as long as you're not dating. Look no further than the great Stassi/Kristen cold open and her wiggling her way into Katie and Schwartz's suite via dinner cart Trojan horse. She's the Bethenny of this series. And, you know what? She might not be happy being alone, but between her friends and the fact that her longest relationship is with herself, it's pretty much a win-win. You know, until she's sobbing about Patrick or Jax or whoever after a few drinks.

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