Photo: Lifetime; Illustration: Previously.TV

Insecure Mommy Seeks Cheating Ass, Second-String Soul Mate

Tori Spelling is sticking with Dean McDermott for now, but doesn’t our Donna deserve better?

Name: Tori Spelling.
Age: 41.
Occupation: Sometime actress, author, and chicken aficionado. Former B&B owner and wedding planner. Always a full-time mommy.
Height: 5'5"
Weight: 110 lbs. when I'm happy, 90 lbs. when I'm not.
Location: Encino, CA.
Education: I played a high school student on TV.
Seeking: I was going to say "my one true love," but not everyone can be Dean McDermott, my philandering Prince Charming. In lieu of Dean, I'll just have to make do with second best. Ideally, he’ll be tall, handsome, prone to bloat, maybe a few tattoos, and a raging sex and drug addict. Oh, and he should be able to cook!
For: Holding me while I cry in front of the fireplace. And in the bedroom. And at my shrink's office. Really, just hold me while I cry a lot.
About Me: I'm a big-eyed blonde with minimal plastic surgery scars and a lot of daddy issues. I like taking care of my kids, finding new shades of red lipstick, and telling myself that I'm a positive role model for my children despite my raging insecurity and self-loathing.
About You: You're just like Dean McDermott, except you haven’t cheated on me yet.
In Relationships, I... ...swallow my feelings and try to be the peacemaker, then end up in the hospital and/or lose an unreasonable amount of weight. Then, I mildly express my frustration, usually in the safety of my therapist’s office, which sends my self-involved significant other into a paroxysm of wounded fury. Next, I apologize profusely and accept my man's promises that he'll be better next time. Oh, and then I do macaroni crafts with the kids while I wipe my tears on their construction paper and chastise them for not learning all about Mommy and Daddy’s epic love story, which involved both of us screwing around but we both still think is something out of a Disney movie.
On Our First Date, We'd... ...go to a fancypants restaurant (by the standards of the San Fernando Valley), where I can order a salad I won't eat and tell you all about the great love of my life, Dean. Afterward, we'd stroll along Ventura Boulevard. You'd give me your jacket and I'd blow my nose into it as I sob over how my fairy tale fell apart. We'd wrap things up with me watching you eat frozen yogurt, then complaining that I have a migraine so you'd drive me home and preferably carry me into my house like a new, neurotic bride without any promise of sex or under-the-shirt action. What can I say? I'm a romantic!
Contact Me If... ...you are Dean McDermott.

True Tori returns to Lifetime for a second season of pain and therapy tonight!

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