Screen: NBC; Photo: Lifetime

Battle Of The Fin(n)s, Round 3: Tutuola vs. Toddler

Detective Tutuola defends his title against a knee-high nemesis. Can the short stack end his long reign?

It just doesn't seem like Wednesday without a little True Tori commentary to go with lunch, does it? Only one way to solve THAT problem: pit an innocent toddler against a veteran of the NYPD sex-crimes unit. Today, one Finn Davey McDermott enters the ring against our battle-hardened Round Rob-Finn champion, Detective Odafin Tutuola.

We'll keep the same criteria, because you can't just let kids win or they don't learn to self-soothe. RING THE BELL.

Who has more bad-boy appeal?

Because it bears repeating (verbatim) (Buntsy lazy): "Fin Tutuola is a cop, but spent years undercover in Narcotics/Vice, and has a walks-the-walk cool about him -- better rapport with certain perps, more convincingly scary with others."

Tenacious McD, meanwhile, is barely a boy, much less bad; he turns two in August. Could he turn into the spoiled youngest child, loud, charming, always in trouble? Sure. But the only "bad" he's got going at the moment is in his diaper.

Winner: Fin.

Whose hairstyle has shown the biggest improvement?

Fin had that little braid for a while; then he cut it off for an all-over crop. Yeah, the braid got a little dated, but he dealt with that.

The youngster hasn't had much time to improve…and hasn't. It's tempting to grade him on a "at least Daddy didn't take him to get that My Little Keith Urban Pony foolishness Liam got stuck with" curve, and it's not his fault baby hair sucks? But he has baby hair. And it…kind of sucks. Sorry, Low Pockets.

Winner: Fin.

Whose love life is in less of a shambles?

Fin's was the capital of Shamblistan -- his twitchy, shrieky ex-wife gave birth to Murdery Ludacris, then lied about it for years on end, but Fin wasn't exactly doing his best work either thanks to the neglect borne of undercover work. He's also an ex-partner's-ex-wife magnet; that's a problem.

The short stack's love life is going to be a shambles, I'm guessing, given the infidelity, unrealistic soulmate nonsense, and willingness to package the family's everyday miseries as Narrative™ getting modeled for him on the reg -- but we're years away from even a stolen smooch on the Ferris wheel, which is fortunate, as that face is going to take juuuuust a little growing into. (Don't email me; I was the ugliest baby in Jersey. He'll be fine.)

I hate to convict on prior bad acts, but:

Winner: Finn.

Who's a better audience surrogate?

Man, if only Finn were Hattie; he'd have this shteez locked up. Hattie, in case you've forgotten, is the one who hurled on herself in the car during the first episode of True Tori, thus providing the sort of concise commentary usually furnished by one of the East Coast HQ felines confronting a hairball during The Following.

I suppose we could count the time he coated himself in cake frosting as an attempt to sweeten a sour situation, but 1) that was totally fake and 2) it's not going to compete with faces like

Screen: NBC

Screen: NBC

or with the snide variations on "you're kidding, right?" that got Det. Tutuola his own spot on the SVU-o-Matic chart.

Winner: Fin.

Who gets along better with colleagues?

Fin is not what you'd call sweet, but he gets invited to dinner at Benson's house, is supportive of their recoveries (Rollins) and indulgent of their conspiracy theories (Munch), and doesn't take the shit off the short fuses (Stabler, Amaro) the rest of the office does.

Cynically speaking, Finn's colleagues are his siblings; realistically speaking, he doesn't have any yet. We could n/a this, but his brother and sisters appear to like him despite the crying and stickiness, so:

Winner: Tie.

Who's less likely to get aired out?

Tutuola is a cop who deals with armed suspects as part of his job, and nearly died in a bodega shooting. McDermott is a baby with wealthy parents.

Winner: Finn.

The Victor

In 20 years, maybe the match-up looks different. Maybe young McDermott has the latest coiffure in 2034, or has become a Marine; maybe in Season 30, Fin wakes up with a dead hooker in his bed a la Cragen.

Today, despite a valiant effort, the toddler just couldn't topple Tutuola.

Winner: Fin.

Next Time: Fin faces off against a Finn from Glee, Young Americans, Adventure Time, or The Good Wife! Stay tuned to find out which one, and who wins!

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