Photo: Lifetime

And Baby Makes Five (Not Counting Dean)?

True Tori returns with new hairstyles, new symptoms, and the same old problems.

Last season, I tackled each True Tori by ranking the phoniness of the various story beats…but by the end, it had started to seem redundant, and the show has other, more interesting things going on than the threads we really shouldn't pull on if we want to make the hour worthwhile. Ergo, this TT Show-o-Matic that analyzes each episode based on the key components that make it a true True Tori.

As we return to our uncomfortable front-row seats for "4 weeks, 2 cameras, 1 story," Tori's got a fresh bob and a familiar crampy feeling that might mean she's pregnant again -- and she hasn't told Dean. Dean hasn't told her that he's feeling self-loathy again. And they don't know how to talk to each other about anything, whether it's the morning routine or an upsetting rumor that Mystery Girls got cancelled. What else have we learned?

True Tori-book Element Present?
Chopped Canada's importance is overemphasized to a peace-talks degree For once, no. It's mentioned, but not equated with donating a kidney.
A super-phony moment accidentally reveals a truth Their contrived talk in the living room after Tori comes home from the daycare drop-off is the first time -- but not the last -- that we see Tori staring at Dean as though he's a disappointing insect and assessing whether he's too large to squash outright. And when she finally tells him she thinks she's pregnant again, his weary "Is…that a joke?" speaks volumes.
Recovery-speak With nine months' sobriety, Dean's defaulting to that mode of speaking has settled down somewhat. Too much, you might say; more on that further down.
Sure: horse around during sex ed instead of paying attention. That'll work out great That one or both of these grownups did not have a tube tied off somewhere after her fourth pregnancy in seven years almost killed her is through the looking glass, never mind that they don't double-bag the birth control. You have TWO TWO-YEAR-OLDS RIGHT NOW ALREADY, ARE YOU INSANE, I AM SERIOUSLY ASKING. And then there's the whole "I haven't told Dean" part of it. Given that his initial response is to talk about his carpe-diem attitude about getting a migraine (…oh, I know), I can't really blame her for not wanting more evidence that the man doesn't get it…not to mention that if she decides, or has for reasons of her own safety, to terminate, that intense situation is compounded by the cameras and blah blah. The double meltdown the aforementioned toddlers had at daycare drop-off is maybe trying to tell y'all something. Listen up.
Who's the boss After referring to himself as "a laughingstock" in therapy, Dean tries to make the Mystery Girls cancellation all about his own experience and gets angry when Tori isn't interested in that ten seconds after getting the news.
Spellings: they're not just like us, at all Tori relates the tale of finding out her father had died via a text from a friend. She also takes the pregnancy test in a bathroom you could fit my first two apartments into. But the big one is her repeated references to parenting "24/7" on vacation and going back to life "as a single mom." Sha right. We may never see the nannies but you know they're just off-camera.
Call me, Tori! I'm liking her jewelry styles, the new 'do is way more flattering, she makes a bad "hand" pun when ordering a happy-ending roll at a sushi joint, and while the "now I shall look upon the photo of my rival, Emily of Goodhand" subplot is beyond fake, I like that she tells her friend Courtney that Dean cheating is not on Emily. Granted, it's because Tori got together with Dean via their both cheating on their then-spouses, but: baby steps.
Preach, friend/outsider Dr. Wexler brings it this week with "You don't have a sponsor? Okay." I also enjoy Mehran leading with "you're too skinny, sorry about it" and veering a beat later into some real talk about her branded businesses and whether he can rely on her to show up, travel for work, and so on. He's not a jerk about it but the "cry and cut" message isn't lost on anyone.
…Henh? Dean truly believes that his "you should think of a possibly life-threatening and definitely terribly timed pregnancy the way I think about headaches I haven't even gotten yet, as an opportunity to…something or other" pep talk is awesome, and is truly stung when Tori gives him a "bert the ferk" stare for like three hours. Tori dismissing Emily Goodhand as "unattractive" is understandable, but inaccurate and not really what she means anyway (I think her issue is that, because Goodhand doesn't look like her, now she has to worry about all sorts of temptations she didn't think she'd have to before). And then during that, Courtney is crying, like, you got a chyron, girl. You're good. Dial it back.
7 / 9
Final Score
78%
True Tori
22%
True Ohhhhhndrea
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