Spoiler Warning!

This article contains information that could be considered too revealing according to our spoiler policy. Proceed with caution. You can't unsee it!

Reason Amazon dropped the whole season the same day.


Ask The Off-Putting Life Coach From Transparent

For all intensive purposes, you're going to feel better when you knock down that wall with the help of Laura Milton Kaufberger of S02.E05.

Q Dear Off-Putting Life Coach,

My father wasn't really around to watch me grow up, but we're trying hard to rebuild a new relationship and spend more time together. It is wrong for me to be disappointed when he doesn't live up to my expectations? Like when he asked me to come live with him and then decided he didn't want me to live with him anymore? That's just what dads do, right? I probably did something wrong. I'm the worst. Sorry, I didn't mean to bother you with this question, hope you're doing really good, I'll pray for you.


A Dear Colton,

As I say in my book, We Each Have A Spark, each of us has a spark, and the spark is like a BOOM! And the boom cries out that we need help and says, "I need to make a change. I need to make a change! I NEED TO MAKE A CHANGE!" But I'll tell you what I'm really worried about with you, Carlton. I'm not sure that giving up on your letter halfway through shows a commitment to your spark. And do you not even care that I may not need your prayers because my spark is perfectly fine? It's very presumptuous and, frankly, a little offensive. But don't worry, we're going to knock down that wall of self-defeat you've put up and you're going to be happy and we're going to see each other and you're going to feel better.

Q Dear Off-Putting Life Coach,

I'm a longtime member of a Los Angeles sauna for women and have lately been troubled by a lack of respect for the unwritten rules, namely that you shouldn't be bothering the women around you. The other day, two women, maybe sisters, kept talking and talking and talking -- in the sauna, out at the pool, wherever they were, about lesbian this and orgasm that and high-school disciplinarian paddling what-have-you. I go to the sauna to relax and get my pores open the size of marbles, not to hear women prattling on about their sex lives (which, to my ears, sound very confusing). Should I say something to the management?


A Dear Beth,

You know what it sounds like to me? Your complaints are like a house full of clutter. Every annoyance and slight you take personally is like a half-empty shopping bag on the kitchen floor or a stack of magazines on the couch. You see, Barb, when we fill our mind with clutter, we trap ourselves behind a wall of of that clutter and it's all of our own making in our minds. As I say in my most recent book, You've Trapped Yourself Behind A Mind-Wall Of Clutter, the only way to break that wall is to crack through those bricks and cement in order to get through to each other. Instead of spending time at the sauna eavesdropping, you need to work on knocking down that wall. You'll see other people and you're going to feel better.

Q Dear Off-Putting Life Coach,

I won a set of six sessions with you in a school gala raffle for parents. Do I need to call ahead and schedule all of these out or just show up for the first one...and...? I'm sorry, my life's kind of a mess right now and I'm not really sure how to do this. Do you have a web page or something?


A Dear Sarah,

The fact that you won these sessions in an auction is a bit of a problem. Yes, I put those sessions in the auction myself, but it sounds as if you're seeking an appointment based not on the spark that's inside you, but out of obligation. As I say in the newly released fourth edition of my third book, Your Life Was Just Handed To You In A School Gala Raffle, you can't just accept what life gives you and think that's good enough to sustain happiness. You didn't choose this. For all intensive purposes, I feel used and controlled by your letter, and it reads as very hostile. But don't worry, once we get these sessions scheduled, we're going to knock down that cluttered, entitled, bitchy, no-good, web-illiterate, pain-in-the-ass wall of yours. We're going to knock it down brick by brick. We're going to see each other and you're going to feel better.

For Law & Order Week we note:

Potential crimes being committed in this episode of Transparent:

  • Transporting a sad, devastated teenager across state lines
  • Operating an unlicensed therapy business in the guise of "life coaching"
  • Soliciting the sale of marijuana
  • Smoking an unprescribed illegal substance in a public location
  • Causing a public disturbance in a gated community parking lot
  • Dildo harassment
Readers liked this episode
What did you think?


Explore the Transparent forum or add a comment below.