Screen: Fox

'Why Is Scully Barely In This Episode?' - The Raven

And other more accurate episode loglines for the seventh season of The X Files.

  • Scully Shouldn't Have Needed Mulder's New Mind-Reading Abilities To Know That The Monster Who Ate Ross Geller's Sandwich Was Going To Hold Her Hostage And Kill People On An Empty Stomach
  • Albert Hosteen Reappears Out Of Nowhere To Break Into Scully's Apartment, Waits For Scully To Come Home, Frightens Scully, And Immediately Asks What Mulder's Up To; Mulder Dreams Of Getting Married And Having Kids, Then Subsequently Imagines The Apocalypse; Years Ahead Of Their Time, Mulder And Scully Call Each Other Their 'Constants'
  • But Jacob Must Have Drawn The Wrong Meal Number Because A Smoky-Voiced Monster Disguised As A Fast Food Employee Eats Him
  • Donnie Darko's Father Rounds Up Zombies For The New Millenium, But Is Out Of Earshot And Is Saved Total Embarrassment When 'Math Geek' Scully Points Out That He's One Year Too Early; Frank Black Proves That When A Show Gets Canceled, Their Characters Go To The Most Relaxing Loony Bin Ever, Where Octavia Spencer Is A Nurse Named Octavia; Mulder and Scully Kiss And Now All Of The Shippers Are Dead Too
  • How Do The Kids At Adams High Move At Hyperspeed To Get Their Straight A's And Murdering Done, But Remain So Slow On The Hip Vernacular, As Evident When One Theorizes That Scully Must Have Been A "Betty Back In The Day"? A Magic Cave, Of Course
  • Uneven Stevens: Willie Garson Uses His Insane Good Luck To Kill Mobsters And Ranjit From How I Met Your Mother Just To Save Shia LeBeouf's Life
  • God Tells Reverend Hershel Greene To Free The One Monster On The X-Files Who Didn't Have Any Supernatural Powers Outside Of Being A Huge Creep/Death Fetishist So That He Can Get A Second Chance To Kill Scully; Scully Couldn't Even Defend God With This One
  • It's Like The Prestige, Except With Ricky Jay, And Then It's Kind Of Like Ocean's Eleven, And The Big Trick In The Cold Open Is Never Really Explained, So It's Like Whichever Show You Still Hate
  • First Scaly Mulder Said He Knew Some Catholic Schoolgirls Who Were Experts At Snake Handling, And Scully Said Nothing; Next The Snake Handler Priest's Daughter Gave Birth To Snakes; Then Scully Was Rattled
  • Mulder Doesn't Call His Mother Back, And Then She Kills Herself; A Man Who Dresses As Santa Claus Has Been Kidnapping And Killing Children For Decades; Mulder Requests Off A Case For The First Time Ever, Presumably So He Can Cry Into His Pornos Forever
  • It's Scott Guber From Boston Public's Turn To Be A Psychic; Everyone Will Not Stop Thinking Of The Children; Smoking Man Breaks Into Scully's Apartment, Waits For Scully To Come Home, Frightens Scully, And Immediately Talks About Mulder; Mulder Finally Says Goodbye To Samantha, Doesn't Apologize For Reading Her Diary
  • In The COPS Episode, Los Angeles Residents Are Attacked By A Monster That Takes The Form Of Their Biggest Fears, Yet None Are Attacked By The LAPD Or Bad TV Crossovers; Scully Is Camera-Shy, So Mulder Gives Her "Make Sure This Guy Doesn't Turn Into A Werewolf" Duty
  • The Lone Gunmen Make A Lot Of Mistakes In Their First Attempt To Actually Make Money, Starting With Hiring Constance Zimmer, Who Creates A Murderous Stripper For An Immediately Outdated Virtual Reality Game That Kills John Locke's Dick Boss For Real
  • CTU Director Bill Buchanan Is The Perfect Doctor Who Has Just Won A Doctor Of The Year Award For Being Perfect, Except He Once Accidentally Killed A Woman Whose Father Happens To Be The Hoodoo Practitioner Of The Century
  • If You Could Obtain The Cure For All Diseases, But You Had To Sit In A Car With An Evil Old Man Who Says He Has A "Particular Affection" For You And That You're Attracted To Men With Power, Before Psychoanalyzing Your Weird Romantic Relationship With Your Work Partner/Turtleneck Twin, And You Wake Up In Your Pajamas Without Remembering Putting Them On, How Long Before You Realize That Smoking Man Wrote This Episode
  • "Why Is Scully Barely In This Episode?" - The Raven
  • Scully Feels Regret Over Selfishly Joining The FBI Over A Life In Medicine And Being A Homewrecker
  • Jigsaw From The Saw Movies Faces Off Against The Tobacco Industry In An Epic Battle Of The Pure Evil All-Stars; Scully Correctly Figures Out That The Cure For Mulder's Ailment Is Nicotine, Being Cool For Once
  • Ignoring Artie's Advice, Larry Sanders Plays Mulder In Assistant Director "Skinman"'s College Buddy's Da Vinci Code, Co-Starring That The Naked Truth Lady; Mulder's Hair Never Looked Better; R.I.P. All Respect For Skinner
  • Two Many Kathy Griffins
  • In Either The Unsold Pilot Of Something Called Celebrity Storage Wars Or An Average MadTV Sketch, Kevin Weisman And His Brother Will Sasso Discover A Genie Who Either Has A Dangerous Sense Of Humor Or Is Just Dangerously Lazy, In A Storage Unit; Mulder Makes Three Wishes And None Are For A Salary Raise
  • Seven Years Later, Mulder Brazenly Returns To The Scene Of The Crime Where He Defaced Oregon Pavement And Began To Pretend To Be A Rebel In Front Of Scully; The Malibu Police Chief From The Big Lebowski Tells Mulder To Stay Out Of The Force Field; Scully Finds Out She Is Pregnant, So Mulder Gets Himself Abducted From This Entire Planet

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