Screen: FOX

The Woman Who Had Her Rye Bread Stolen By Jerry Seinfeld, The Principal From Porky's, And Other Olds Take A Wonder Drug

And other more accurate episode loglines for the all-over-the-place second season of The X-Files.

  • With the Help of Senator Raylan Givens' Daddy, Mulder Pops His Alien Witnessing Cherry; Skinner Says Get The Hell Out!
  • Orphan Black's Daniel Rosen Gets A Big Worm In A New Jersey Sewer (Naturally); Skinner Says You Gotta Serve Somebody; Mulder Makes A New, Deep-Voiced Friend
  • Electronics Tell E.B. Farnum What Their Favorite Metallica Album Is; He Reacts In A Decidedly Non-Mayoral Way
  • The Candyman Can Do A Lot of Things, Like Give People Violent Hallucinations, But He Can't Go To Bed; This Krycek Fellow Seems Nice, And He Had This New Case First, Nothing To Lose Any Sleep Over; X Claims He's Gonna Give It To Ya ("It" Being The Truth, "Ya" Being Mulder)
  • Duane Barry Doesn't Like It When Duane Barry Gets Abducted, So Duane Barry Keeps People Who Aren't Duane Barry Hostage; C.C.H. Pounder Barely Tolerates Mulder's Crap; Scully Is Super-Pregnant Wrong And Is Therefore Kidnapped
  • Sleepytime Stubbly Mulder Survives Skyway To Hell; Scully And Krycek Disappear, So Skinner Says Fair Enough, X Files Reopen!
  • A Blood-Sucking Vampire In Los Angeles Played By Ari Gold's Wife And Not One Hollywood Joke To Be Found; Mulder Shaves And Has Sex With Her
  • Trippy Bobbie Barrett Doesn't Have To Be A Psychic To Know Mulder Is In A Really Dark Place; Skinner Thanks Cancer Man For Not Smoking By Sending Mulder to Kill Him, Talks About 'Nam; Nurse That Only Lives In The Land Of Heavy-Handed Symbolism Saves Scully
  • Everybody Is Clearly Hiding Something And Talks About How Genius And Crazy Bradley Whitford Is Before Killed By Aliens, And/Or Rambo Whitford
  • A Simple Small-Town Tale About A Vegetarian Cult And Meddling Meat-Loving Kids Turns Into Kate Austen's Dad Killing The Wrong Sheriff's Snot-Nosed Part-Alien Son
  • The Woman Who Had Her Rye Bread Stolen By Jerry Seinfeld, The Principal From Porky's, And Other Olds Take a Wonder Drug; Side Effects Include Rape And Murder
  • Locke's Baby Momma Has A Genetically Predisposed Jonesing For Slashing; Mulder Says He Has Always Been Intrigued By Women Named B.J., And Scully Goes With Him On The Assignment Anyway
  • The Episode Where There's No Paranormal Activity, Just Your Average Human Necrophiliac Monster; Scully Suffers PTSD From That Abduction Thing; Mulder Refers To Scully As "Pretty"!
  • Satanist Principal Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe Is Not Good At His Job: His Daughter, A Student At The School, Accuses Him Of Rape; The New Substitute Teacher Is Literally The Devil; And The Water Fountains Drain Counter-Clockwise
  • Voodoo Makes General Murder One Lawyer Guy And Every Other Guest Star Alive, Then Dead, Then Alive, Then Dead Again, Or They Were Always Dead, Or Presumed Dead, Then Dead...ish
  • The Series MacGuffin Makes A Stratego Joke That's Too Soon; The Mayor Of The Killing Is A Killer, But It's Actually The New Alien Big Bad In Disguise; The Mythology Is Already Too Confusing
  • Mulder Manages To Get His Sister Killed Less Than 24 Hours After She Miraculously Returned After 22 Years; Not Really; Mulder's Two Work Dads Fight For His Love
  • Catherine Durant Of House Of Cards Gets Her Zoo Animals Taken Away By Aliens; Mulder Insists That Elephant Autopsies Will Soon Be Featured On MTV Sports To Get Scully To Perform One
  • Mulder and Scully Rapidly Age On The Worst.Cruise.Ever
  • The First Darin Morgan Joint, In Which The Little Guy Who Knew When Your Gum Was Going To Come Back In Style Knows When He's Being Stereotyped, Which Is Apparently Always
  • The Creepy-Looking Child With The Dark Eyes, The Bowl Cut, And The Swastika On His Hand Isn't Responsible For His Younger Brother's Death, And Other Half-Truths
  • A Pharmaceutical Company Unleashes A Contagion, But Hank Schrader Is On The Case! On The Other Hand, Hank Schrader Is On The Case; Skinner Stands Right On The Line Mulder Keeps Crossing, Because He Always Knows What's To Say, Because He's The Best
  • Tony Shalhoub's Shadow Kills People; Mulder Thinks It's Spontaneous Combustion; Scully Later Thinks It's Spontaneous Combustion; Mulder Immediately Changes His Mind
  • Chickens Eat Chickens; Humans Eat Human; Chickens Eat Human
  • Mulder Beats Up Skinner, Because Skinner Held Back, Because He's The Best; Mulder's Father Gets A Visit From Pure Evil, Evil Jr., Then Mr. Bullet; Scully Makes Sure Mulder Gets Acquainted With Him Too; Mulder Sleeps For Two Days To Avoid Small Talk With The Navajo; Mulder Is Trapped In A Boxcar With Alien Skeletons For Summer Vacation


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