Screen: FOX

Michael Emerson Telekinetically Conjures Up The Brady Bunch Through The Power Of Loneliness

And other more accurate episode loglines for the ninth and final season of The X Files.

  • Assistant Director Cary Elwes Gives Reyes Insider Info And A Kiss, One Of Which Was As She Wished; Skinner Joins The 21st-Century Opening Credits, As I Wished; Doggett Finds It Difficult To Conduct A Criminal Investigation Against His Own Boss; Scully Kicks Doggett Out Of Her Home For Asking About Mulder And Telling Her Her Son Is Some Sort Of Freak; Scully's Son Is A Freak; Lucy Lawless Can Breathe Underwater And She Kills People, So That's New
  • Doggett Takes It Pretty Well When He Discovers He's Pretty Much The Only One Of His Group Of Military Friends To Not Get To Become Immortal; Betty Draper's Dad Is A Clueless Navy Captain Who Confuses Frohike's Voice For Someone He Has Known For Years
  • Harry Dexter Teaches Reyes What True Evil Is Really All About And Vomits On Doggett; Despite The Heavy-Handed Symbolism Of Black And White Tiles Shown Throughout The Episode, New Hotshot Professor Dana Scully Can't Even See That The Monster Of The Week Is Playing A Frank Underwoodian Game Of Murder-Chess
  • A Serial Killer Jumps Between Parallel Universes To Make Reyes Sound Like A Nut While Watching Over Schrodinger's Doggett, Who Grows The Faintest Of Darkest-Timeline Goatees Before Reyes Shaves It Off
  • Before Hanging Out With His Chemistry Teacher, Jesse Pinkman Spent His High-School Years With A Doomed Business Partner His Own Age; Anna Stern Thinks She's Met An Awkward Teenage Boy Who Will Actually Stick Around, But Jane Lynch's Son Is Full Of Raging Hormones, Killer Flies
  • Mallory O'Brien From The West Wing, Terry O'Quinn Playing A Third X-Files Character, And Everybody Else Want To Find Mulder After He Sends Love Letters To Scully's Hotmail Account That Make Her Cry; David Duchovny Peruses His Full Frontal Script
  • Mexico Doggmento: South Of The Border, Doggett Loses His Memory And Any Chance Of A Friendship With Fausto Galvan From The Bridge Thanks To A Memory Vampire And Murder, Respectively
  • Even Though Reyes And Her Ancestors Saw Premonitions Of His Deaths, Don Swayze Is Destined To Be Skinned Alive And Overshadowed Over And Over And Over Again
  • Doggett Petulantly Steals From Skinner's Office After He Won't Return His Calls And After Not Getting Invited To The Hip New Crime Scene; Scully And Reyes Dramatically Whisper About Alien Gods In Reyes's Apartment; The Lone Gunmen Manage to Lose Scully's Son Two Minutes Into Their Babysitting Gig
  • Charles Widmore Kills Justified's Robert Quarles Off-Screen, Cheating Us Out Of Witnessing An All-Time TV Villain-Off; Scully's Son Is Kidnapped, Might Just Be The Messiah, And Is Definitely Going To Need Therapy Someday
  • Instead Of Hanging Out With Doggett, Reyes Spends Her Weekend Trapped In A Hospital Floating In A Void
  • Doggett Returns To New York For Some Real Pizza And To Put A Religious Dan Dority Back In Jail, Who Answers To The Higher Power Of The Murderous Charles-Manson-Looking Demon Inside Of Him
  • The Sniffling Accountant From Seinfeld Throws Evening Shade At Reyes And Her Silly, Accurate Numerology Theories Involving Burt Reynolds As Some Sort Of Shameless CD-Burning, Checkers-Hustling God That Hangs Out In Little Italy A Lot And Teases Reverend Smith From Deadwood About All Of His Murders
  • Sheriff J. Walter Weatherman Teaches Us That If Your Son Is Able To Conjure Up Creatures That Can Kill People And A Sheriff J. Walter Weatherman, You Should Throw Him In The Loony Bin; Kayla Harrison Brilliantly Plays The "If Mulder Were Here He Would Advance The Plot" Card On Doggett
  • Michael McKean Helps The Lone Gunmen Finish Their Spinoff Business, Lives
  • When Even A Disfigured Spender In A Mulder Wig Goes After Scully's Son, Scully Figures Enough Is Enough And Pawns Him Off To Some Nobodies In Nowheresville
  • Doggett's Ex-Wife Meets Scully For The First Time And Says That Doggett And Reyes Should Get It On Already; Cary Elwes Goes Dread Pirate Roberts On A Mob Guy
  • Michael Emerson Telekinetically Conjures Up The Brady Bunch Through The Power Of Loneliness; John "I Don't Even Own A Television" Doggett Tells Bud Bundy To Shut Up, And Judges Scully And Reyes For Having Watched The Brady Bunch At All
  • Mulder's Big Plan Was To Sneak Into A Facility And Get His Ass Kicked Before The Opening Credits; Skinner Turns A Kiss Down From Mulder, But Agrees To Be The World's Worst Lawyer For Him
  • The Truth Is We're Screwed


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