Screen: FOX

J Peterman Creates A Monster Uglier Than The Urban Sombrero

And other more accurate episode loglines for the fifth season of The X Files.

  • Mulder Straight Up Kills A Man, Fakes His Own Death, Wanders Aimlessly Around The Department Of Defense Until John Stillman from Cold Case Sorkinsides Him With A Walk-And-Talk About Aliens Not Existing, Doubles Down With An Oliver Stone Black-And-White Stock Footage Montage Non-Parody Parody To Fully Convince Him
  • After Practicing For Months In Front Of A Mirror, Bill "Let's Let Her Die With Dignity" Scully Finally Gets To Tell Mulder In Person That He's One Sorry Son Of A Bitch; Mulder Shuts Down Cigarette Smoking Man's Offer To Work For Him Without First Hearing About The Insurance, And Right Before Publicly Accusing A Superior Of Being A Traitor On A Total Guess
  • The Belz Tolls For Byers, As Detective Munch Interrogates The FCC Employee To Appear On Yet Another Show; In Some Beer Commercial Gone Wrong, An Attractive Woman Transforms Tech Geeks Into Government Conspiracy Geeks
  • Mulder Endangers His, Scully's, And Two Other People's Lives Just So He Can Get Out Of A Team Building Seminar; Mulder Says "Par-Tay" At The Idea Of Scully With Alcohol And Later Makes Her Sing To Him
  • J Peterman Creates A Monster Uglier Than The Urban Sombrero
  • Scully Spends Christmas Announcing To Her Mother That She Is Barren, Listening To A Pregnant Harriet Sims From JAG Go On And On About How She Can't Wait To Have A Harem Of Bill Scullys Running Around, Discovers She Has A Daughter
  • Mulder Shakes Off An Epic Bill Scully Staredown To Verbally Ass-Kick An Adoption Caseworker Who Asks If The FBI Stands For Federal Bureau Of Imagination, Then Physically Attacks A "Medical Rapist" For Being Condescending
  • An Apparent Fan Of Eighties Television, Pusher Manipulates The Writers To Give Him An Underwhelming Sequel Where It's Revealed He Has A Secret, Equally Evil Twin
  • A Shrink Gets Trees To Kill Evil Daddies, Beginning Teenage Margot Verger From Hannibal's Cycle Of Choosing Psycho Psychiatrists; Mulder Asks Scully If His Boyishness Turns Her On, Right Before A Much Creepier Man Appears Before She Could Escape
  • Stephen King Tells Mulder To Mostly Sit This Episode Out; Scully Hits The "Possessed, Public-Domain-Song-Loving Doll" Button On The Microwave
  • An Artificial Intelligence System Ruins Mulder's Sexy-Nurse Fantasy, Activates The "Kung-Fu Scully Fighting Sexy Nurses" Fantasy
  • While Telling Their Versions Of The Same Story, Mulder And Scully Reveal That They Both Think The Other Is An Asshole; Ham From The Sandlot Attacks Mulder For Giving Him a $.02 Tip; Skinny Sheriff Luke Wilson Is Skinny Thanks To A Strict Human-Blood Diet
  • Krycek Sews Shut The Eyes, Nose, And Mouth Of A Russian Boy To Successfully Turn On Andrea From The Walking Dead; The Syndicate Is Caught Off-Guard When Aliens Arrive Early For Their Appointment And They Haven't Even Begun To Pack; How Is Skyland Mountain Still Open?
  • Cigarette Smoking Boy Won't Stop Butting Into Mulder And Scully's Business About Butting Into Mrs. Cigarette Smoking Man's Life; Even When Mulder Doesn't Believe In Aliens Anymore, Skinner And Scully Tell Mulder That He's Being Annoying And Wrong; Mulder Makes A Masturbation Joke At Gunpoint
  • Deadwood's Francis Wolcott's Continues His Perverted Ways By Mounting Men And Letting The Damn Dirty Communist Alien Spider Lodged In His Chest Do The Rest
  • Mulder Keeps Insisting That An Innocent Police Detective Is Wrong, Takes Offense When The Detective Classifies Him As "Skeptical"; Blind Lili Taylor Can See Through The Eyes Of The Chief From Boondock Saints, Ungratefully Rats Him Out Over A Couple Of Murders
  • Father Pigman From PCU And The Devil Disguised As Landry Clarke's Dad Fight Over The Souls Of Quadruplets Who Can't Even Master The Three Step Drop, Let Alone Read A Zone Defense
  • While U.S. Attorney Bernard From Lost Evilly Looks On, It's One Long, Awkward Day At The Beach When Kruger From Seinfeld Lets Mulder Join His Anti-Government Militia Group But Doesn't Give Him A Cool New Nickname
  • Mad Men's Dr. Arnold Rosen Records A Manifesto Saying That His Boss Is A Monster, And That's Before He Finds Out He's Screwing His Wife And Locking Her In A Hotel Room
  • A Mind-Reading Child Messes With Scully And Scully 1.0's Heads When He Can't Watch The TV That Just Shows Fox Programming; Cigarette Smoking Boy Continues To Be An Ass To Mulder While Not Understanding Cigarette Smoking Man's Chess Metaphors; Mulder And Scully Make A Mankind-Changing Discovery All About Them; Cigarette Smoking Man Lets The Motherfucker Burn

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