Screen: Fox

Having Served His Penance Guarding The Chez Ami, Mose Manuel From Deadwood Now Protects Women With His Fluent German, Free Amateur Lobotomies, And Photographs Predicting Their Death

And other more accurate episode loglines for the fourth season of The X Files.

  • Canada's Creepy, Wrong, Albeit Efficient And Friendly Cloned Child Labor Is Exposed; The Bees Bit Bounty Hunter's Everywhere, Now Bounty Hunter's Anger Look Big; X Is X'd Out, Permanent-Style; Andrea From The Walking Dead Is Understandably Uncomfortable Talking To Mulder About A Farm
  • Ew Ew Ew Ew Ew Ew Ew Ew Ew Ew Ew Ew Ew Ew Ew, a.k.a. "Home"
  • A Burkina Faso Man Decreases His Chances Of U.S. Citizenship By Killing Black Men And Turning Them White; Mulder Says There's A Michael Jackson Joke Somewhere But He Won't Bother, Is Ironically Punished For His Heroic Restraint By Being Rendered Speechless At Episode's End
  • Having Served His Penance Guarding The Chez Ami, Mose Manuel From Deadwood Now Protects Women With His Fluent German, Free Amateur Lobotomies, And Photographs Predicting Their Death
  • Jealous Of A Cult Leader Wife's Various Past Lives, Mulder Recounts His Past As A Jewish Woman Under Hypnosis; Oy Vey The Mishegas On This One
  • Scully Suggests Putting Out An A.P.B. For Someone Riding A Broom And A Tall Black Hat, But The Witchcraft-Practicing Nurse Is Just A Red Herring; The Real Monster Is Plastic Surgeon Face-Peeling Ben Horne From Twin Peaks, Who Just Wants To Look Like A Meddling Kid Forever
  • There Are Two Kinds Of Deaths: The Quick, Assassinated-By-Smoking-Man Kind, And The Slow, Soul-Crushing Death From A Constant Stream Of Rejection Letters For Your Crappy Sci-Fi Pulp Roman à Clef
  • I Am A Rock, I Am An Island (Because I Contain Evil Alien Black Oil); Mulder Beats Up Krycek, Says His Moral Dipstick Is Two Drops Short Of Bone Dry, Calls His Haircut Stupid, Then Takes Him On A 19+ Hour Flight
  • Krycek Gets His Left Arm Cut Off, For Once Making Us And Him All Right With Each Other; Elderly KGB Agent Manages To Outsmart And Outhustle Everybody Without Getting Caught, While Old, American Secret Government Well-Manicured Man Gets Cranky At A Horse Farm
  • After Clues Given In His Dreams By A Magical Laser Pointer, Mulder Is Tricked By Breezy Child Molester Tom Noonan After Noonan Tells Him Not To Trust A Child Molester
  • Believed To Be El Chupacabra, Tuco From Breaking Bad Kills People With His Mutant Athlete's Foot, Squandering An Opportunity To Understand The Importance Of Branding
  • County General Hospital's Dr. Romano Wishes He Could Eat Your Cancer When He Loses His Head, Thumb, Life; Scully And A Huge Post-Super Bowl Audience Finds Out She Has Some Impressive Roundhouse Kick Moves, Cancer
  • Mulder Visits Graceland; The One Time Scully Gets Some, He Turns Out To Be A Guy Who Successfully Kills Someone For Jodie Foster, Is Cruel
  • Scully Gets Chemotherapy In Allentown, Continuing Its Fine Pop Culture Tradition Of Being Depressing; Frohike Is In The Same Room As Scully's Ova And Never Makes A Lewd Comment; Someone's Computer Password Was Actually The Name On A Snow Globe Sitting Nearby
  • In Williamsburg, Brooklyn, A Hasidic Jew Gets Revenge On His Killers Through His Golem By Mocking Their Music Collection, Murdering Them
  • Only Visible If He's Not Looking Right At You, A Disgruntled Vietnam P.O.W. Messes With Generals With Their P.O.V., Also By Murdering Them
  • Mulder Is In Denial About Max Fenig's Death, Incorrectly Believes In A Vast Military And Alien Conspiracy About A Plane Crash; There's A Vast Military And Alien Conspiracy About Two Plane Crashes; Poor, Last Call Drunk Pendrell Gets Shot In Slo-Mo
  • Scully Tells The Paramedic Pendrell Is An FBI Agent And He's Not Going To Die; Pendrell Dies; Mulder Quips That More People Are Trying To Get Their Hands On Max's Stolen Technology Than A Tickle Me Elmo Doll; Aliens Take It; Scully Reads Way Too Much Into Mulder's Thoughtless Birthday Gift
  • Finally, An Episode With A Time Traveler!; And Three Two People Burst Into Flames!
  • The Shapeshifting Rapist With A Tail That Impregnates The Woman Who Voiced Chuckie Finster As Luke Skywalker Calls Mulder A Loser
  • To His Surprise Somehow, Skinner Doesn't Get Smoking Man's Laundry So Much As Cover Up Innocent Deaths As Part Of Their Deal; Andrea From The Walking Dead Is Friendly With The Bad Guy, Proving She Has A Type
  • Let's Not Go To That Bowling Alley, That Bowling Alley Is Haunted; Scully Tricks Mentally Ill People Into Saying That Jay Leno Is A Killer, Finally Choosing A Side In The Late-Night Wars
  • Scully Single-Handedly Solves The Mystery Of Three Deaths While Mulder Chills In Prison Having Cool-Looking Dreams; After Getting Slapped By His Mother, Mulder Abandons Scully To Visit His Kurt Vonnegut-Looking, Ketamine-Loving, Head Hole-Drilling Shrink To Better Remember His Terrible Childhood
  • Scully Has A Brother Who Is Annoyed At Mulder Within The First Two Minutes Of Their Acquaintance; We Meet A Lot Of New People Who Either Die Or Tell Mulder And Scully There's No Such Thing As Aliens; Scully Doesn't Marry Him Immediately For Some Reason; Mulder Is So Bored Watching Old Footage Of Carl Sagan That He Kills Himself? So Enjoy The Movie Next Summer?

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