Giovanni Ribisi Rides The Lightning, To The Inconvenience Of Jack Black And Sheriff Blake Lively's Father; Playmate Of The Month March 1982 Is Unimpressed

And other more accurate episode loglines for the third season of The X Files.

  • Mulder Sweats The Death Toxins Out Of Him; Frohike Hits The Bottle While Carrying Newspaper Clippings Of Executed Professional Murders; Scully Underestimates How Well Skinner Can Throw Her Words Back In Her Face, Enter Her Home; Bobbie Barrett Regrets Being One Of Those People That Doesn't Listen To Her Voicemail
  • Mulder Finds Out His Daddy Was A Nazi Lover, Wakes Up His Mother In The Middle Of The Night To Ask If He Was Her Favorite; Smoking Man's Friends Start To Realize He Might Not Always Tell The Truth; This Is Where Smoking Man Puckers Up And Kisses Skinner's Ass! (Figuratively! But Still!)
  • Giovanni Ribisi Rides the Lightning, To The Inconvenience Of Jack Black And Sheriff Blake Lively's Father; Playmate Of The Month March 1982 Is Unimpressed
  • Peter Boyle Is A Psychic Insurance Salesman Who Really Needs To Work On His Closing Technique; Just An FYI: Scully Might Be Immortal
  • Death Doesn't Stop A Man From Bothering Warden J.T. Walsh And Miss Klugh From Lost, And He Doesn't Even Need A Magic Glowing River To Do It
  • Scully Is Greeted In Cleveland By An Old-Fashioned Detective Who Says He Isn't Being Sexist, He's Just Being Honest; Chat Room Lothario By Day/Fatty Acid Sucker By Night Murders Overweight Women. Cleveland!
  • There's Always That One Guy Who Thinks He's A Big Shot Because He Calls Out The Hypocrisy Or Whatever Of The Support Group, And In This Case He Also Abuses His Astral Projection Powers (With The Help Of Mailman Willie Garson)
  • Someone Is Dumb Enough To Kidnap Kaylee Frye; Mulder Ignores Incontrovertible Evidence Of Blood DNA, Looks At The Camera And Says 'The '90s, Amirite?'; But He Was Actually Right To Ignore It
  • Mulder Sets U.S.-Japan Relations Back Fifty Years Because He Paid $29.95 (Plus Shipping) For An Alien Autopsy Video And Wants His Money's Worth; Elaine Benes's Psychiatrist/Boyfriend Does Not Recognize Your Diplomatic Immunity; Scully Meets Her Kind-Of-Pushy Abduction Buddies
  • You Haven't Seen America Until You've Seen It From A Train, With An Alien-Human Hybrid Two Countries Are Fighting Over; Satisfying A Contract Stipulation, X Gets His Cool Walking-Away-From-An-Explosion Moment
  • Priest R. Lee Ermey Is A Phony, But Owen From Gracepoint Can Give Himself Stigmata For Real When Confronted With A Pesky Long Division Problem
  • Scully's Quiet Night Of Grooming The Dog, Reading Truman Capote, And Eating From A Big Tub Of Ice Cream Is Interrupted By Her Annoying Co-Worker's Stories Of Danny Crowe and Tyler Labine Huffing Methane And Murderous Cockroaches; Mulder Goes Ga-Ga For Dr. Bambi, While Somewhere John C. McGinley Shakes His Head
  • Ryan Reynolds Thinks He's Getting Laid, Is Hanged; Scully And a Murder Cockblock Mulder And The Romantic Lead From Fletch
  • Mulder's Mean Former FBI Mentor And Secret Admirer Red Foreman Uses Disappointed Father Psychology To Make Mulder Gargoyle Crazy; Mothering Scully Asks Mulder Why He Has A Cell Phone If He Doesn't Use It
  • Oh, There's Black Oil Now, And It Takes A Trip To Hong Kong; Skinner Would Like Some Hot Coffee, Gets A Hot Bullet To The Gut Instead
  • The Black Oil Would Now Like To Go To North Dakota, Please; The Smoking Man Doesn't Think Moving Around UFOs Requires A Permission Slip From The Syndicate; Mulder Yells That Smoking Man Won't Get Away With This, As Smoking Man Gets Away With This; Poor Pendrell -- Remember Pendrell?
  • Richard Nixon From The Watchmen Convinces People To Kill Themselves With His Tumor Mind, Knowledge Of Obscure Shades Of Blue; Scully Needs To Know The Scientific Nature Of A 'Whammy'; Skinner Gets Called Mel Cooley And Gets His Ass Kicked; Supposedly The First Russian Roulette Scene Shown In Network TV History!
  • A PSA On The Adverse Effects Of Taking An Ancient Ecuadorian Urn, Digesting Yaje, And Writing An Episode Where The Big Set Piece Involves An Attack From A Killer Clowder Of Cats
  • Lucy Liu's Father Is Up To His Eyeballs In Money Trouble, So He Gambles One Of Them Away
  • Scully Helps Charles Nelson Reilly With His ______
  • Assistant Director Loses Girl; Assistant Director Suspected Of Killing Prostitute Lt. Col. Samantha Carter; Assistant Director Admits To Living With An Old Woman Demon/Angel For Thirt-Some-Odd Years; Assistant Director Suspected Of Trying To Kill Girl; Assistant Director Kills Bad Man; Assistant Director Gets Girl; Assistant Director Gets Back To Work Not Giving Mulder Everything He Wants
  • Scully Indulges Mulder's Ahab Complex After The Untimely Death Of Her Dog Queequeg, Realizes The Connection, Ruins The Moment; Tyler Labine And His Stoner Friend Who Didn't Die From Ten Episodes Ago Travel To Georgia To Lick Frogs And Witness Yet Another Weird Death, Find Some Elusive, Symbolic High Probably
  • An Evil Cable Repair Man Gives Customers The Cable Package That Turns Them Into Angry People Capable Of Murder; No, He Doesn't Work For Your Cable Company
  • Will The Real Jeremiah Smith Please Stand Up, Then Not Cure Smoking Man Of Cancer?

For Bad-Ass Week we present:

An Excerpt From Sweet Walter Skinner's Baadasssss Management Tutorial!

Chapter Three: Rapid-Fire Responses To Any Workplace Situation
Scenario: Your supervisor threatens your life, but you have one more hand to play, and you're not crazy about your job to begin with.
Response: "This is where you pucker up and kiss my ass."
Scenario: The unpredictable federal agent you're responsible for has that look in his or her eyes.
Response: "Keep your nose clean before someone else takes a whack at it."

Scenario: A difficult underling needs help, but you're too tired to do anything but go home and finish that Philip Marlowe book.
Response: "I hope you got other names in the phone book because I'm taking myself off the hook for this one."
Scenario: Anybody says any sentence with the word "stand" or "line" in it.
Response: "I stand right on the line you keep crossing."

Scenario: Your divorce lawyer Jane calls, saying she knows what she's talking about and that you need to sign your divorce papers and move on already.
Response: "Don't lawyer me, Jane."

Scenario: Someone asks you what you want for lunch.
Response: "Every minute of every day, we choose. Who we are. Who we forgive. Who we defend and protect. To choose a side or to walk the line. To play the middle. To straddle the fence between what is and what should be. This was the course I chose. Trying to find the delicate balance of interests that can never exist. Choosing by not choosing. Defending a center which cannot hold. So death chose for me."
Scenario: You have just been publicly accused of eating your co-worker's lunch on purpose.
Response: "You can't ask the truth of a man who trades in lies."
Scenario: There's some mustard on your tie.
Response: "If I'm carrying Marilyn Monroe's purse, do you assume I slept with JFK?"
Scenario: You're considered guilty of stealing the lunch despite evidence to the contrary, and in an act of retribution you have been poisoned by a male vaguely resembling your initial accuser. 
Response: "If this man poisoned me, I'm going to put a gun to his head, find out why, and ask him how he's going to make me well."


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