Screen: FOX

A Half-Man Half-Bat Killer Is On The Loose, As DC Comics Lawyers Watch And Listen Very Carefully

And other more accurate episode loglines for the eighth season of The X Files.

  • Newly Promoted Dr. Richard Webber From Grey's Anatomy Annoys Everyone With His Zero Alien Talk Policy And His 'Nam Stories That Aren't Nearly As Cool As Skinner's; Skinner Knows What He Saw (Dammit), There's Even A Flashback And Everything, But Robert Patrick Is Too New To The Show To See It
  • Ain't No Mountain High Enough For An Alien Bounty Hunter To Mess With The New Guy; Scully Yells A Lot When She's In The Desert
  • Scully Plays Mulder, Doggett Plays Guy Who Has Seen A Lot Of Homicides That Talks About Seeing A Lot Of Homicides Because He's In Way Over His Head And Has Nothing To Offer; A Half-Man Half-Bat Killer Is On The Loose, As DC Comics Lawyers Watch And Listen Very Carefully
  • Marty "Brother Of Tool Man" Taylor Grunts In Vein As A Shirley-Jackson-Loving Town Puts Their Slug Jesus Inside Of Him Because He Was Kind Of Rude Once
  • Jill Layton From Brazil's Dreams Come True When Her Son Returns Ten Years Later, Ignores The Fact That He Never Aged, Will Not Speak, Freaks The Hell Out Of The Beloved Family Dog Sparky, And Repeatedly Threatens Her Boring, Normal Son With A Big Knife; Doggett Gets A Dead-Son Backstory!
  • Mellie Grant Is Rowan Pope's Gladiator, So Olivia's Daddy Needs Time Travel To Keep Out Of Prison, And While He's At It To Keep Danny Trejo From Killing His Wife, Then If There's Time Buy A Lotto Ticket
  • Daniel Holtz From Angel Is A Three-Eyed Cult Leader; Doggett's Fantasies About Scully Are Revealed To Be Not So Much Sexual As Disturbingly Violent, Right Before He Lives A Waking Nightmare When He Has Listen To Frohike And Langly Argue Over Whether Frohike Really Hung Out With Ken Kesey Or Not
  • Proving He Wasn't Always Such A Bad Guy, Breaking Bad's Uncle Jack Is An Ex-Con Exterminator That Lets His Brother -- Who Has X-Ray Vision And Can See Things He Should Otherwise Nazi -- Help Him Murder Drug Dealers
  • Prison Break Correctional Officer Brad Bellick Is A Man Made Of Metal Hell-Bent -- But Not Broken -- On Peace On Earth. Just Kidding, He Wants Revenge
  • Aaron From Eastbound and Down Lives Inside His Murder Victims' Bellies Until Scully Figures It Out, Ruining His Scam To Get Free Rent
  • CeCe Rhodes Doesn't Think Poor Small-Town Folk Deserve A Creature That Can Eat Their Diseases
  • What Has Two Thumbs, Is An Ornery Boston Deputy Chief, And Only Gives Scully And Doggett Five Hours To Solve A Bunch Of Subway Murders That He's Trying To Cover Up? Bob Kelso With A Kennedy Accent!
  • In A Warm Flashback, Mulder Agrees To Donate His Sperm For Scully, Then Makes An Obvious Joke About The Donation Process To Ruin The Moment; Genius Detective Doggett Gets Pissy Because He Knows Scully -- Who Told Skinner She Was Pregnant Nine Months Ago -- Must Be Hiding Something But Can't Quite Figure Out What; Adam Baldwin Notices He's Not In This Soon-To-Be-Canceled Sci-Fi Show, Joins In To Lie To And Drug People
  • Ben Wyatt's Sister Signs Up Too, And Immediately Confuses Scully And Skinner When She Tells Them They're Wrong While Smiling; Everybody Worries Over The Possibility Of Finding Mulder Dead; They Find Mulder Dead
  • Mulder Survives Living In A Casket For Three Months Without Porn; Doggett Doesn't Take The Hint From Scully That She Would Rather Have The X-Files Disappear Than Have Him Forgo A Promotion To Keep It Alive; Stupid Sexy Krycek -- Wig No Longer Included -- Continues To Remember To Put Fresh Batteries In His Skinner-Maiming Remote Control
  • To Remind Us It's 2001, Mulder Compares His Resurrection To Austin Powers, Then Later Makes A Bush/Gore Joke Nobody Finds Funny; Mulder Gets Scully To Do Something Illegal Almost Immediately; Mulder Is So Jealous That Doggett Got To Be Alive That He Gets Mad At Him For Being Held Up At Gunpoint And For Re-Adjusting His Chair
  • A Marilyn Manson Fan Who Coincidentally Gets Possessed By An Evil Being Leads Monica Reyes To Involve Mulder In Doggett's Dead Son Mishegas; Scully Continues To Tease Mulder And Everybody Else About Who Knocked Her Up
  • As They Ignore An Actual Glowing Mr. Friendly, Mulder And Doggett's Pissing Contest Doesn't Even Stop A Fire In An Oil Rig
  • The Good Wife's David Lee Is A Reptile Monster Thing That Cheats Us Out Of Getting To See An Unemployed, Now Oprah-Watching Mulder Accompany Scully To Her Lamaze Class; A Mulder-And-Scully Fangirl Joins Doggett, Then Quits The X-Files After Just One Case
  • Scully Has A Baby Shower With Her Mother And A Bunch Of People We Have Never Seen Before, But Only Her True Friends Know To Ask If Her Baby Is An Alien Or A Half-Mulder Creature Or What
  • At Gunpoint, Genius Villain Krycek Can Only Come Up With "Shoot Mulder" As A Reason For Skinner Not To Kill Him; R.I.P. Krycek; Incredibly Rude Aliens Literally Walk Away From Scully's Boring Human Baby Without Even Making A Token "He's So Cute" Comment

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