Screen: Muppet Studios

Fictional TV Science And Medicine Types Who Would Be Less Dangerous Than Jenny McCarthy As Hosts Of The View

Paging Dr. Honeydew…Dr. Honeydew to the set, please.

In whose hands would we feel safer -- Jenny McCarthy, Skechers spokesmodel and known aider and abettor of rubella? Or a wig-ripping, hit-and-running psycho with access to explosives?

…The psycho went to med school; I'm only saying.

Dr. Maggie Walsh, PhD (Lindsay Crouse), Buffy the Vampire Slayer

A psychology professor at UC Sunnydale who also acted as director of a secret government program for demon-fighting commandos. Responsible for Frankensteining Adam, a part-human, part-demon, part-robot super-killing machine.

Dr. Kimberly Shaw (Marcia Cross), Melrose Place

Had an affair with a fellow doctor, stalked her former fiancé, tried to murder her former fiancé, stole another woman's baby and tried to nurse it, attempted suicide, framed people for murder on multiple occasions, suffered from demonic hallucinations, was declared insane, and tried to blow up an apartment complex. And ripped her wig off.

Dr. Leo Spaceman (Chris Parnell), 30 Rock

Believes that "science is whatever we want it to be," says he has no way of knowing where the human heart is because "every human is different," once stabbed a dog who attacked him, believes a patient could replace a foot lost to diabetes with a wheel, and authored a book called The Cigarette Diet.

Dr. Gaius Baltar (James Callis), Battlestar Galactica

A computer scientist specializing in artificial intelligence who basically allowed twelve colonies to be destroyed by murderous cylons, and then spent years having sex with an imaginary cylon woman who turned out to be an angel.

Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.

Host of Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A., sponsored by Prescott Pharmaceuticals, who promises their customers, "We never test on animals, or anything else," and touts that their products are "Good for what ails you. And in some cases, actually what ails you."

Guru Sage (Kevin McDonald), Friends

First angered the dermatological kundis on Ross's (David Schwimmer) ass, then removed it by accidentally snagging if off with his watchband.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, The Muppets

Dr. Honeydew invented exploding clothes, edible paperclips, and a banana sharpener, and the results of his Insta-Grow pills once destroyed an entire ghost town. Additionally, he may have killed his assistant Beaker on various occasions.

Woodrow "Woody" Strode (Kurt Fuller), Psych

The Santa Barbara Police Department coroner once determined a victim's cause of death to be smallpox, frequently eats in his prep room without taking off his bodily-fluid-covered gloves, is wanted in the Philippines for mysterious reasons, believes alien embryos hatch in peoples' ears, admits to having the urge to comb cadavers' hair and try on their jewelry, once hypothesized that replicate robots were potential murder suspects, believed a victim was most likely killed by a vampire.

Every crackpot in every community forum or town hall meeting, Parks and Recreation

Including the guy who thinks corn is a fruit and that syrup comes from a bush, the guy who thinks that racism and women's vaginas should be taxed, and the woman who thinks that Twilight is "pro-quivering" and that teaching sex education to seniors will lead to babies wearing thong underwear.

For Emmy Nomination Week we wish:

That the Law & Order MEs had their own series.

Rodgers & Warner trips off the tongue far better, IMO, than Rizzoli & Isles. Plus, I love a withering "you sir are a maroon" stare, and MEs Elizabeth Rodgers (Leslie Hendrix) and Melinda Warner (Tamara Tunie) have perfected theirs -- as well as knowing every single compound and fiber, getting DNA results in minutes, and doing it all despite apparently not having any co-workers except each other. (Have they ever met onscreen?) I'm envisioning a running gag with Rodgers and boxes of Clairol. Back me up here, people. - SDB


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