Quantrell Colbert / The CW

The Vampire Diaries Has A Missing Girlfriend In A Coma And We Know, We Know It's Serious

And Lily has bad taste in men and in orphans.

Okay, what the everloving hell? In the cold open, it's three years later, Tyler looks like he's wearing big-boy business clothes that don't fit his neck, Stefan's scar has opened up (scar?), Caroline needs to be warned, and Stefan's burning his supercute vintage sports car? Except he's keeping his diary, just because. I would argue that he could just hand his car keys to any teenager and that car would be disappeared in a hurry, but fine, keep the diary, burn the car.

I'm being glib and shouldn't be, because this is a surprisingly sad episode for a number of reasons. One, Oscar the stoner heretic is awesome and one of the most appealing characters to show up on this show in ages, so of course Valerie had to kill him. (It seems that may not stick, but I am not entirely sure he won't come back crabby.) Damon's scheme to trade Oscar for Elena seems a little hare-brained, but the fact that it comes together so well (and falls apart so quickly) means he and the rest of the Scooby gang are cursed with sixty years of crazy hijinks.

Quantrell Colbert / The CW

Quantrell Colbert / The CW

Two, Valerie. I was fully prepared to write her off as another mean girl, but it seems not only did she love Stefan, but she was going to have his baby (until that asshat Julian kicked it out of her). It's no surprise that she put that burning spell on poor Caroline, but she may not have needed to do it at all. Caroline already knows it's going to be hard to compete with the one who got away.

I do have some issues with that flashback, because once I shook off the idea that Stefan was supposed to be sixteen (uh, I think it may be time to cast someone who isn't thirty-three in the flashbacks), in what version of 1863 is a teen boy getting lucky with a girl he just met? Anyway, it was true love, I guess.

Still, Valerie is a very motivated heretic, and the only one who doesn't seem like she'd rather be shopping. It's going to be hard to watch her tear apart Steroline, but at least I'm getting a sense as to how it happens.

Quantrell Colbert / The CW

Quantrell Colbert / The CW

Caroline gets the best lines of the episode: "Even Mussolini had a mother" and "I don't know what made your heart grow four sizes today, but thanks." A little history, a little pop culture.

Quantrell Colbert / The CW

Quantrell Colbert / The CW

What isn't all good, of course, is Bonnie and Alaric in cahoots to bring Jo back. One minute Bonnie is telling Ric, duh, necromancy bad; the next she's saying, yeah, okay, let's do it. I'm not sure what the power of pulling Jo out on a drawer is, but I've got to think Jo isn't looking so hot anymore, even in a chilled room. That little morgue visit should have actually convinced Bonnie that her friend is all manner of crazy, but if there's one thing Bonnie is, it's "loyal to a fault."

The Vampire Diaries-ish Element Present?
A minor character dies brutally and unexpectedly. RIP, Oscar. We hardly knew ye. I mean really, we hardly knew ye..
Enzo shows up for no good reason. Where the hell is he? Lily should really forget about Julian and stick with Enzo.

Damon pines over his girlfriend-in-a-box. He not only pines, he kidnaps a heretic with the goal of getting her back.
Caroline has the sads. And she just thought she had to compete with the memory of Elena. Bummer.
Alaric tells someone to stop drinking or drugging because he's old. Nope, he's too busy lying to Bonnie about causing her killer headaches and bloody visions.
Stefan doesn't feel anything. He's actually got a lot of feels, I suspect.
New townspeople plot to screw up everything. Amazingly, Nora and Mary Louise don't accidentally kill Caroline with their shenanigans.
There is a long conversation about the feels they all feel. Caroline is too busy stuffing down her resentment, thnks.
Bonnie tells Damon off and Damon rolls his eyes. Yeah, she isn't going to shame him this week.

4 / 9
Final Score
44%
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