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Ask The Vampire Diaries's Unstable Vampire Hunter

She's tortured by the bloodthirsty visions of killers, but she still has opinions. (She also mostly just wants a cheeseburger and a nap.)

Q Dear Unstable Vampire Hunter,

I had moved on, you know? Yes, I'm about to enter a loveless marriage just to be near my kids, and I'm living in Texas so eww, but I'm making the best of it, right? And then my ex shows up at my door on the eve of my wedding. I couldn't even speak to him. It's been three years, and when he dumped me I didn't even get an apologetic text. I can't forgive that, right? Oh, and I'm not sleeping with my baby daddy. At all.

Care Bear

A Dear Care Bear,

Okay, I'm gonna just jump in here and say I'm pretty sure your ex didn't call you because I was chasing him all over the world with a supernatural tracking device so that I could kill him and suck his soul into a bedazzled dagger. But it's not like I was checking his email. He could have sent you a cookie basket or something. Anyway, good luck with that. I mean, some of us have real problems. Personally, I have to silence the damn voices in my head before I use an icepick to give myself a lobotomy. But, you know, worry about having too many men in love with you. Must be nice.

Q Dear Unstable Vampire Hunter,

Get this: Bonnie is still desperately in love with Enzo, even though he pumped her full of pills that are going to kill her in a week. But she still won't forgive me for taking a dirt nap for three years and not saying goodbye in person. That's not fair, right?

Super-Hot Vampire

A Dear Super-Hot Vampire,

Yeah, I've got nothing on that. Seriously, she's just being a dick to you for some reason. But let it go. You guys have gotten used to these Hail Mary passes that save Bonnie from death and hell and whatever else all the time, and now that she's truly happy and has an actual storyline, that in itself might be a sign she's dying for good. Because of course. Also, keep killing evil Phoenix stone psychopaths so I can get some sleep.

Q Dear Unstable Vampire Hunter,

I'm supposed to marry my baby mama this month after three years of wearing her down with unrelenting niceness, and who shows up? Her flaky ex. I know she still loves him, and she won't even have sex with me, but I'm still committed to making this work for the kids. Also, we have an awesome house with a great kitchen, and I do not want to move into crappy university housing again. What should I do?

Dedicated

A Dear Dedicated,

You realize you're the token boring old guy in this group, right? Your girl isn't sleeping with you because she's settling for you like an itchy sweater she found at TJ Maxx, so don't expect this to get better. You will never have hot vampire hair, and someday she's just going to kick you to the curb. Rip off the Band-Aid! Hire a cute nanny and pull a Gavin Rossdale now.

Q Dear Unstable Vampire Hunter,

Hey, what's locked in the vault of the Armory? Is it really Enzo's cousin? Is that honestly why Alex wants to borrow Bonnie? And why have we only started hearing about the Armory anyway? It seems that, with all their minions and labs, the place would be on the radar of all vampires, right?

Everyone

A Dear Everyone,

Let's not question this. All I know is it's a slightly different Big Bad and we should all be grateful it's not just another sexy vampire with an accent. Or me. I could really use a plot twist right about now, by the way. Doesn't Damon need a girlfriend or anything? C'mon!

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