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Ask The Vampire Diaries's Irritable Lesbian Heretic

She knows her poetry, but don't ask her to deal with your nonsense.

Q Dear Irritable Lesbian Heretic,

Dude, your story took a break for a few weeks, and then we jump into all this hella crazy plot with the Armory and Rayna and swapping curses and I don't even know. And the bouncing around! It was two years later, then three years later, then they were in the Philippines. Can you explain it to me?

Everyone Ever

A Dear Everyone Ever,

Dear God, check the wiki and leave me in peace. If you weren't paying attention (which clearly you weren't), Alex dosed me with pills that would have resulted in my untimely demise if I hadn't chosen to destroy Rayna's sword with the help of my beloved in a fiery, eye-bleeding explosion. Plus, I looked like hell all through the episode. I am in no mood for your insufferable nonsense.

Q Dear Irritable Lesbian Heretic,

So, I was all ready to link myself to Rayna forever by taking the mark, but then I realized that when she died, so would I -- and I'd never see Elena again. So, it's totally fine I bailed on that, right? I mean, Elena.

Sad But Extremely Sexy Vampire

A Dear Sad But Extremely Sexy Vampire,

Damon, my God, do you ever do anything for the greater good? I do feel for Stefan to the small degree that I can feel anything for Lilly's biological spawn. You're a terrible brother, and I sincerely doubt someone won't find Elena's casket and blow her up for real in the next sixty years, because that's what happens with you silly vampires, so you truly made the wrong choice. But you keep dreaming, love.

Q Dear Irritable Lesbian Heretic,

I was pretty excited that my flash-forward seemed to give my character such emotional depth and complexity; clearly, Bonnie is crushed by all she's suffered and has become a shell of herself! What actor doesn't love that? And yet, I've been MIA. Worse, I think Bonnie is holding on by the plot thread that is largely known as Desperate And Random Methods To Keep Enzo On The Show. Really, do I need to find another job? I feel like my talents are being wasted these days.


A Dear Kat,

I am not entirely sure we need to be breaking through the fourth wall for an advice column, dearie. But if we were to do such a thing, I'd say you deserve a better platform.

Q Dear Irritable Lesbian Heretic,

I am the only calm and reasonable person on this stupid show, and the other thing? I have a job to do. Jesus. How can I make everyone stop running around like crazy people and bend to my will?


A Dear Alex,

As I recall, you are the soulless monster who had no compunction about almost killing me (and would have, if I hadn't killed myself), so I will tell you very politely to jump in a lake, preferably while wearing a bag of rocks. Do not further test my refined English temperament, bitch.

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