Content Warning!

This article has some content you might find disturbing!

Reason Nothing you haven't probably seen on a billboard, but still!

Photo: FX

The Strain's Parasitic Worm Speaks!

'Look, I'm sorry. I had nothing to do with that disgusting billboard.'

"I mean, I'm just one of the parasitic worms. We came as a group. But I'm the one on all the "disgusting" billboards and web ads. Look, I'm sorry. I had nothing to do with that. How would you like it if somebody Photoshopped a bad photo of you -- one where you're totally naked, I might add -- and blasted it all across the media landscape, making people write articles about how hideous you are? It wouldn't feel so great, would it? And that's not even the worst part of this week.

"But I'm getting ahead of myself. This whole thing happened because I love New York City. I always have. I'd never been there; it's not cheap or convenient to get there from Germany, but I've always dreamed of visiting. It's about a nine-hour flight, at least, and most of us parasitic vampire worms don't even live that long without a host body.

"My friends kept saying, 'Go! Go!' 'You've always dreamed of going to New York!' It's true. Ever since I was a little kid three days ago. Broadway. Greasy pizza. The Statue of Liberty. Bagels. Are you kidding me?! I wanted to just land, hit the deli, and burrow into an egg bagel covered in poppy seeds like you wouldn't believe. This was supposed to be a great vacation. I've worked for it. I've earned it. It took me hours and hours to climb up the parasite food chain (which is really less of a vertical chain than a horizontal representative democracy, but I digress). So I booked the trip, knowing that if things went great, I might not even return to my landscaping job in Berlin.

"The first sign of trouble was at the airport, when I found out that I was one of literally hundreds of parasitic worms on the flight. I mean, I'm flying Coach, I know this isn't a private jet, but I wasn't expecting such a huge crowd. And there were so many parents with crying parasitic baby worms just mewling away for blood, and the flight hadn't even taken off yet. This was going to be a nightmare. Then, at boarding, I find out that there's a gigantic coffin holding like a metric ton of soil in cargo. Great, right? Plenty of room for everybody. WRONG! We were all expected to get into the actual cabin and each find a host body to travel in, and not with one worm to a body, but like dozens of us in each human. If I'd known I was going to be working a nine-hour shift on my vacation, jammed against a bunch of other worms, I'd have just fucking stayed home, okay?

"I hopped into a human girl -- she was maybe seven human years old? I don't know, I can't tell from humans. I figured since she had a smaller body, there'd be fewer worms trying to ride in her. Wrong again. We were practically climbing all over each other under her skin in a futile attempt to find comfortable worm-room. Even though it was all-you-can-drink Bloody Ladies, I couldn't even enjoy it. And the in-flight movie was Maleficent, which I'd already seen. I drank for a while and then slept, because seriously, who needs this shit?

"I didn't think things could get any worse, but then we arrived in New York City. It was dark, and all the cabin window shades were down except one, so I couldn't even see any of the city. And then we waited. And waited. All the humans were passed out, incubating, so they were no help. We just sat on the tarmac. And sat. And drank some more blood. And sat. 'What do you think's happening?' another parasitic worm asked me. 'What do I look like, The Master?' I snapped. And then I apologized and we exchanged cell phone numbers. I felt bad, but we were all on edge. Suddenly, the cabin door opened and it looked like things were going to get better, but instead things got worse. A lot worse.

"Humans in biohazard suits waving around flashlights entered the plane and started examining every nook and cranny. We didn't know who they were at first, but some guy wearing a pathetic wig kept saying -- loudly, to anybody who would listen -- that he was head of some Centers for Disease Control branch and, 'Blah blah, we have to CDC this, stat!' and 'the CDC has to contain this!' and 'my CDC boss is getting in the way of this investigation!' and 'if it wasn't for this CDC job, I'd be a better father to my estranged son!' over and over until I wanted to punch this guy in his stupid face, would that I had a giant fist to do so. Hey, CDC, why don't you quarantine this guy's rapidly spreading case of diarrhea of the mouth? I thought they were done, but then this asshole took his flashlight and shined it right in the human girl's sleeping eye and we were all like, 'ACK! Turn it off! It's 3 in the morning, you jackass! You're not an early bird trying to get the worm!'

Screen: FX

Screen: FX

"They took, like, a million photos and sent them to their friend outside the plane, some Hobbit-looking guy. It was horrible. And apparently, one of those photos ended up being used in a mass advertising campaign with yours truly shaking his worm tail around. If I'd known that was going to happen, I would have at least smiled.

Screen: FX

Screen: FX

"Pretty soon, the CDC (most important agency in the world, according to that wig-wearing jackass) was hauling bodies out of the plane, and next thing we know, me and my fellow worm passengers are stuck in a body bag. We waited and waited and waited for more hours until the host girl woke up and clawed her way out. Then a bunch of the worms in other bodies got together and turned all the humans into vampires (as one does) and they mobbed together to kill a medical examiner who'd been trying to yank other parasitic worms out of bodies with tweezers. Uh uh, buddy, we paid for these seats, no matter how bad the accommodations were.

Screen: FX

Screen: FX

"So far, I haven't even gotten to see any of New York City. No bagels. No Hedwig with Neil Patrick Harris, nothing. I hear the coffin was being hauled away somewhere else and that there's some big reunion planned for all of us to contribute to some huge project in the city, but for now I'm just kicking back. The girl found her way back home to her dad and since I just need a place to rest my head and chill so I can get this stressful experience out of my system, so I'm going to go with the flow. This girl doesn't look like she knows how to drive and a cab will probably break my bank, but I'll get to Times Square somehow. I really hope this trip improves, and soon."

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