The Goggles! They Do Everything!

Just be glad total eclipses don't happen that often.

Vampires, creatures who operate at night when there's a lot less email to answer, are typically pretty good at planning stuff out. The Master appears to have a long-term plan that goes like this:

(a) Relocate to New York City because, come on, egg bagels

(b) Disrupt the entire internet for a while during the process of turning the city into a breeding ground for bloodsuckers.

(c) Time it during a solar eclipse that will hide vampire doings while the tasty humans are distracted by celestial wonder.

Not to question the long game of a guy who has been around for probably a few thousand years, but humans are pretty easily distractible. You could just do it during The Super Bowl or a season finale of The Walking Dead. An eclipse, I'm just sayin', may not be necessary to catch everyone in New York City a little off-guard.

Nevertheless, the solar eclipse, introduced on screen with some not-quite-Cosmos graphics that show us the wonder of flying through space, does some damage. It's maybe not an epic World War Z-style undead shitstorm; it seems more like a fender-bender in terms of damage against humanity where, like, one zombie guy -- the medical examiner who was attacked in the pilot

On the other hand, Ephraim's FBI captors -- one of whom was mean enough to strike Ephraim during questioning without much provocation -- leap out of their car to see what's up with this vampire who is trying attack people near Times Square. Each of them gets neck-sucked, and the meaner of the two is left to look up at the sky, not wearing the proper eyewear for use in viewing an eclipse! Sure, he's dying, but does he have to die with severe eyeball damage?

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Gus and his homie Felix get attacked as well, by the same beast. They may not be looking up at the sky, but the threat of blindness surely doesn't help fend him off as Felix dodges death.

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Felix, unlucky, gets contaminated by one of those icky worms just after Guy smashes it in the head. Then Gus is wrestled to the ground by police, presumably given the right to remain silent and to an attorney, but not to shield his eyes from the dangerous eclipse.

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I'm not saying staring at a eclipse is the worst thing in the world, but vampires like The Master have a point about avoiding the sun's harmful effects. I mean, look what happened to this guy due to excess exposure to the gun. There wasn't even an eclipse happening at the time.

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I mean, damn. Wear sunscreen. Get those funky eclipse glasses. Do something, because vampires are a nuisance, but the sun is a real killer.

Photo: Fox
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