Screens: FX

On The Strain, Vampirism's Nothing A Makeup Sponge Can't Fix!

Makeover, makeover, makeover, makeover, makeover, makeover, MAKEOVER! (Three clicky eye blinks.)

It can't be easy to be a new vampire in a community where, frankly, women and children do not appear to be valued much next to The Master, his right-hand Nazi Eichhorst, and Bolivar, the rock star who recently had his body taken over. The blind spider-children vampires are pretty much just used as hound dogs to track stuff down, and when The Master was looking for a new body to jump into, did he ever consider that body didn't have to be male? Not so much! The old ways, they linger.

But it helps to have friends in high places, especially ones who care enough to give you personal affection. When Kelly is ready to walk among humans in her pursuit of her son Zach (why does everyone, including The Master, want him so badly? Even for a snotty, traumatized kid, he kind of sucks), Eichhorst is ready to share his incredible talents for makeup, hair, and eyes. Kelly, are you thinking what I'm thinking? MAKEOVER!

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First off, Kelly, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your hair -- what's left of it -- is absolute shit. It looks like a shrimp net someone left in the gutter for a hundred years. You need a good wig, and Eichhorst has one that's just your color! Good thing we've got photos of you nearby to compare from when you were less undead.

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That skin? Not completely gone, but it's gonna start to spot and peel off, and fast. Expect holes in those cheeks really soon. We're gonna have to go full prosthetics.

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Did you think you could be a vampire queen and keep your nose? Nuh uh. Luckily, Eichhorst subscribes to NoseCrate and gets a new prosthetic nose in the mail every month. When yours falls off, he's got a Limited Edition Michael Jackson Commemorative Schnoz waiting.

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Oh, Kelly, you don't know how lucky you are to have the skilled hands of Herr Eichhorst doing this work. He doesn't just do this for anyone, you know. Bolivar looked like a piece of chewed-up cheese for weeks and Eichhorst just let it be. Eichhorst must really like you to devote this much attention to the perfection of this illusion. He is truly a Nazi with magic hands.

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Makeup sponge: learn it, love it, live it.

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All right, those cold fish eyes? Those are not going to fly when you're trying to get past a security checkpoint or convince your child that you are, in fact, not a bloodsucking creature of the night. Time for some giant contact lenses!

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You know what? We're probably going to need two of those.

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Magnificent! Now if you can just learn to talk and move in a less reptilian way, this makeover will be a complete success.

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For the time being, it's going to be good enough to convince a dopey little kid that his mama has gotten all better. Time to ask him to let the right mom in.

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Uh oh, Kelly, you should have eaten before coming over. Nothing ruins a family reunion like unchecked hunger and aiming your neck hose at your ex-husband.

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Wait, who's this trampy doctor Nora and why does she just happen to have a meat hook swinging from the ceiling ready to clock someone in the face? She ruined the makeover! Damn it all to hell! Eichhorst is going to be so pissed.

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It's just...uh...a chemical peel? A temporary epidermal slicing? Anyway, Kelly should probably head on out and try again later. And avoid any location where meat hooks freely hang from the ceiling. Either way, this needs to get fixed. If Eichhorst isn't available, maybe there's a MAC counter open late.

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