Photo: Quantrill D. Colbert / Sundance

Dingleberry PD

Harold gets a promotion -- but can he rise in Sarah's Red Road a-hole power rankings?

I don't know if anyone else has subgenres into which they divide their celebrity crushes? I do. One of my favorite subgenres is the outgoing-voicemail celebrity crush. Werner Herzog is the king of this category and dethroning him is not possible, but if I can get Jason Momoa as Kopus telling callers to "leave a message -- if you're not an idiot," I will take it. Big-time.

Momopus and Julianne Nicholson's lovely performance as Jean keep me invested in The Red Road on a caring-about-the-characters basis -- and they have a lot of heavy lifting to do, because literally everyone else on the show is an asshole.

But who's the biggest, meanest barking spider this week? So glad you asked.

  1. Acting Chief Tamara Tunie

    She's not that assholic these days, but evidently she left Kopus with Kopus Sr. to run off and do hippie Native-American-rights sit-ins with Chief Levi. Which is fine, but I wouldn't leave a guppy with Tom Sizemore, never mind a kid. At least she tried to keep Junior away from his asshole father.

  2. Lisa Bonet

    It's really smart of the show to keep her and Kopus apart (like many real-life couples, she and Momoa have a chemistry, but it's not quite romantic sparks onscreen); I wish it would keep her and itself apart, because she's an annoying carpetbagger asshole who's going to get Tamara Tunie impeached to run the tribe herself and get rid of the casino (right? or did I misunderstand that?). She did move back from Brooklyn, at least, but she and her pointedly asymmetrical hair-don't are still annoying.

  3. fucking Harold, you guys
    "So you're basically framing this dead bro for Mack's murder and promoting me for unwittingly facilitating it? I am gaping! Then I am accepting my blood-soaked promotion! Then I am still going to act like Kopus isn't good enough to talk to my wife!" There's a woodcut of this asshole in the dictionary next to "moral relativism." And he's gaping. Shut up, Harold.
  4. Kopus Sr.
    Tom Sizemore's just doing his Tom Sizemore thing in this part, but he's perfect here; he's a grody guy in a grody role, but he's still bringing some nuance. Kopus himself agrees to spill what he knows in exchange for pictures of his family, which is weird and pathetic, but at least he holds up his end, ratting the town and the cops to Harold about letting the Mob dump the paint sludge in the abandoned mineshafts on Lenape land.
  5. Junior

    Self-righteous, adolescent pinko bitching about Kopus desecrating sacred ground soon gives way to expedient accepting of a shiny new truck from his heretofore-absentee asshole father. That this all occurs in a vaguely grumpy monotone does not help.

  6. Mike's girlfriend
    So it's okay to let Kopus pork you and fix the door of your truck, but when you finally figure out years after everyone else did that Kopus killed Mike, you start shooting? And ditch your baby with someone who doesn't have cancer, you asshole.
  7. Jean's dad

    "I don't know anything about that," he said, too quickly, then changed the subject to how the family should move away before anyone finds out he totes knew about the paint sludge, because he's a hole at the center of an ass!

  8. Rachel

    I almost felt bad for her when she thought Junior said something; he hadn't said anything; and she freaked about the voices and took a bunch of her mom's meds. But "I don't want to be like you. I never want to be. Like you" is meaner than it is scared to share the diagnosis. Can I get some sourpuss with this brat-worst? ...OH WAIT.

  9. the Captain, RIP SMH

    Looked the other way as the Mafia and town bigwigs filled an entire mountain with toxic manufacturing by-product. Knew it killed his wife. Had the grace to feel guilty about it, but stuck Harold with the whistle-blowing in a handwritten note all, "It's in the water, sorry to stick you with this kthxbai." Asshole.

  10. The mayor

    HA HA HA what's the deal with K-cups?! ...Shut up, guy. They're handy. You want dishwater coffee, move to Brooklyn. Actually: don't. We got enough problems without you announcing to Harold, with witnesses, that you've rearranged evidence to make it look like "an outsider" shot Mack, which means Harold did you a solid by killing the outsider, and congrats, he's getting promoted. The mayor also may have presided over the sludge-dumping, though the timeline isn't clear and I think the actor's too young...but he for sure knows about it, and as long as it's only Lenape getting cancer, he has no shits to give.

  11. Chief Levi

    Abandoned his kid; abandoned his principles; probably had Mack offed; now trying to buy Junior's love, and definitely bought Tamara Tunie's, though she only let Captain Casino have his way because it was probably that or get shot.

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