'You Can Be Right? Or You Can Be Happy.'

Yeah, that whole "Nia dares Jordan to get a beej from her, and he calls her bluff" thing? Hope you're sitting down, 'cause: didn't go anywhere. Nia says it's because Jordan has a cocktail wienie, Jordan because he couldn't get hard; I'm just glad it's over.

Not over: Johnny and Averey's relationship, despite her best efforts to sabotage it.

What's going on here? I'll list the housemates from best to worst each week. First place gets 8 points, second place 7, and so on. Whoever has the most points at the end of the season is probably the most awesome person in the RW: Portland house. Yes, I'm counting Averey's dog, Daisy. No, I don't think this is a terribly scientific system.

And now, the dangers of incomplete snooping...

  1. Marlon

    Edges Johnny for first because he's not dating Averey. Also gets points for busting out what he calls the best dating advice he can give: "You can be right? Or you can be happy." Even more awesome is his explosive face-plant on the snowboard slopes, pictured above. (He's fine.)

  2. Daisy

    Does not appear to have relieved herself indoors. Has a super-cute tail-chase attack.

  3. Johnny

    I really like the kid. I like that he tortures prissy Jessica by taking dumps with the stall door open (and narrating them). I like that he objects to a discussion of Jordan's penis with, "I'm trying to eat my Monte Cristo!" I like that he calls Jessica "attention-needy" and then, when Averey observes that "a lot of the girls in the house" have that problem, he dryly asks, "What about you?" He nails one of Jessica's (trashy) outfits with a Snooki reference, then keeps needling her. But he's getting marked down for letting Averey manipulate him, flagrantly, with an audience, and for failing to follow through on his instinct that she's more passive-aggressive cray than she's worth.

  4. Anastasia

    Our big mover this week. Wonders, reasonably, why Nia couldn't have just had a talk with Jordan instead of going "so over the top." Also says that Jessica is right to feel scared about Tyler's saintly patience because she's not used to men treating her right; I disagree, but for people who don't suck, this is a thoughtful take, and Anastasia is genuinely trying to help (versus inserting herself needlessly into the sitch).

  5. Jordan

    Neutral this week, save a zinger about how finding a bar is Nia's "best sport."

  6. Nia

    You're a shit-stirring size queen, yes yes, GOT IT. Does inform Jessica that she wants way too much from St. Tyler, but often her insights, which are sharp, are cancelled out by her attitude.

  7. Averey

    Oh my God, where to begin. Pranks Johnny by pretending to be mad about girls he walked home with, then gets even madder in return when he doesn't think it's funny. Reads his email and gets bent about Bridget, his "girlfriend back home," but doesn't snoop far enough to see that she's just a bubbly friend, whom Johnny asked for advice about making up with Averey. Admits that she feels stupid and embarrassed that maybe she's getting played, which is relatable; gets hypocritically sulky when Johnny streaks the bar, which is not. Coos to a snowboarding teacher about how she stripped to buy her prom dress, then turns to ask Johnny snidely how he's feeling. Would spend another week in last place, but when Jessica announces that she's setting aside her No Boy In The Bed rule at the end of the episode, Averey's "yeah, about that: nobody cares" face gives me hope for her.

  8. Jessica

    Not seeing that guys may "turn into jerks" after a couple of months because she's a high-maintenance French-manicured dumpling who can't dress her body (which is cute, but not everyone can go 14" on the mini; Jessica's friends, please talk to her), hot-combs her hair to go snowboarding, and thinks everyone is hitting on her. Not in that Liberace makeup, missy. Needs to get over the fact that boys poo and have genitals. Makes Tyler sleep on the couch when he's too drunk to drive home instead of offering her bed (he's eleventy feet tall, this guy).

Season To Date Rankings

Rank Name Points Trending
1 Marlon 38  
2 Jordan 31  
3 Daisy 28  
4 Johnny 26  
5 Nia 17  
6 Anastasia 15  
7 Jessica 13  
8 Averey 12  
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