'This Is Going To A Bad Place.'

We've all known a Nia. So, so proud of always getting what she wants; so oblivious to the fact that it's because she's a dick, and giving her what she wants gets her to go away and shut up. The line between "provocative" and "pesty" ain't that fine, honey.

What's going on here? I'll list the housemates from best to worst each week. First place gets 8 points, second place 7, and so on. Whoever has the most points at the end of the season is probably the most awesome person in the RW: Portland house. Yes, I'm counting Averey's dog, Daisy. No, I don't think this is a terribly scientific system.

And now, Bird takes off...

  1. Marlon

    Probably shouldn't keep trying to intercede between Jordan and Nia, but at least he's trying to cool things out. Busts on Nia to her face (unlike some people; more on that in a sec) for skiving off at work. Pulls a series of "bert the ferk?" faces in response to Nia's big talk about having "game" but wisely doesn't take her bonkaloo nonsense personally.

  2. Anastasia

    Bird is the word! Anastasia thinks something is wrong with Nia (seconded) and has a number of wise words about 1) staying out of Nia and Jordan's amour faux and 2) alcohol's role as fuel for the fire. "Somebody has to be the fuckin' adult," she grumbles to Marlon, and I'm gratified to see it's the two of them. Strong comeback for Anastasia the last couple eps.

  3. Johnny

    Doesn't get much screentime, but makes the most of it; appears to be a doing a Pauly D imitation, and farts in Jordan's face.

  4. Daisy

    Drops a notch or two this week thanks to the Cone of Shame she has to wear after getting the worst of a dog-run fracas.

  5. Averey

    Benefits from the focus on Nia; also gets some pity points thanks to having to room with Nia -- not that she's thereby motivated to pretend to agree with Nia's bullshit. She pulls several classic "uh huh you're totally right whatever it takes to go to sleep now" faces.

  6. Jessica

    When Tyler (now captioned as her "boyfriend" -- sucker) stays over, it forces Anastasia to sleep on the couch, where she's unable to escape the goddamn endless kerfuffle with Nia, Jordan, and the table lamp. Not cool. Other than that, way more bearable this week (read: hardly onscreen), and clearly thinks despite her own dislike of Jordan that Nia is way too invested in messing with him.

  7. Jordan

    Not that he hasn't earned it. He gets in a few good lines about Nia, granted -- "You're still a nobody from Atlanta who lives at home with your parents; get over yourself" is a keeper -- but he also outs himself as a sexist ("girls are usually laaaate"), and makes similar comments about Nia to Brett, their manager. Yes, Nia sucks and is conniving, but talking shit about her to the boss and blaming her gender isn't really cool. (Poor Brett, seriously.) During the epic argument, Jordan spits mouthfuls of Cheerios at Nia, then imitates a monkey while Marlon is restraining her, which is pretty racist. Earlier, he'd implied that Averey was being whiny about Daisy needing a vet: "We have a stapler!" Based on comments he makes about thinking his "different" hand is "gross," I think the kid just needs some therapy and to stop idealizing his dad, but still: not a good showing.

  8. Nia

    "I want to write books for a living, I want to live in New York in this cute little loft and write books, and tell stories" -- HAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA! ...Oh, Nia. You're a stitch! The thing is, her book idea -- a dating guide for snagging a pro athlete -- is, while depressing in its way, not terrible. It would sell. Her attitude about it, pretending it's NBD and waiting for people to get crazy impressed, is annoying; her obsession with showing Jordan up is annoying; her "...this bitch" about Brett telling her to get off the G-D phone during her shift is annoying; she's just eminently slappable every minute she's onscreen, and it's 100 percent because she's insanely insecure, young, and looking to "rewrite" the psychological history of her sexual assault by controlling situations not worth getting into. Which is to say, I have compassion for her, BUT she still needs to put on a whole pair of underpants and shut the fuck up.

Season To Date Rankings

Rank Name Points Trending
1 Marlon 46  
2 (tie) Jordan and Daisy 33  
3 Johnny 32  
4 Anastasia 22  
5 Nia 18  
6 (tie) Jessica and Averey 16  
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