Screen: MTV

'There Are Plenty Of Penis In The Sea.' - Sylvia.

There are also plenty of pee in the confessional, plenty of round of shots, and still no skeleton on Real World: Skeletons.

It's not like I'm in a huge rush to have the skeletons show up at the house; the premise of the season is dumb, and the housemates' current "get wrecked, have screaming matches, squash it over eggs, repeat" cycle is creating plenty of dramz as it is (not that it's all that interesting).

But it's three episodes in, guys. If I have to cover this shitshow the one week of the year I'm supposed to have off, don't dick around with the girls'-day-out trip to mud-wrestl-- okay, bad example, because that cracked me up and definitely gave Madison a boost in ye olde RW Power Rankingf, but my point stands. We've met everyone. More importantly, everyone's started outing their secrets themselves -- this week, we learn that Sylvia is weak on the whole "which part of my underpants is the front" concept, Violetta was fat as a kid, Bruno is a cheese log with nuts, and oh yeah Jason's expecting a kid in a few months so he's on the show why now exactly? -- so if Bunim/Murray really wants shit to blow up, they'd better drop the skeleton baking soda in there toot sweet before all the vinegar drains off.

...Oh, shut up. It's supposed to be vacation! I can't come up with good shit to say about Jason's "anaconda" on New Year's Eve; I have pajamas to get into, for god's sake! Get off my lawn, MTV!

So: not a bad episode, actually. Fairly entertaining. But it's all just so much throat-clearing until the real rumbles begin, and if Nicole doesn't, like, drown a baby animal in a boot while singing Creed on-camera, she's gonna run away with this thing. Hopefully to my house, because she's fun.

"What the hell?" I'll list the housemates from best to worst each week. First place gets 7 points, second place 6, and so on. Whoever has the most points at the end of the season is probably the most awesome person in the RW: Skeletons house. No, Mr. Snuggledicks doesn't get his own slot. No, I don't think this is a terribly scientific system. Yes, I went to university "for this."

  1. Nicole
    Her face when she realizes it's Bruno's club smooch Carla at the door is classic. She also tells Jason he's going into the drink if he gets her hair wet again during kayaking. My people.
  2. Sylvia
    It isn't a great week for her, just from a subject/verb-agreement perspective, and getting so ripshit that you think the confessional is the bathroom and pee the couch is for freshmen. But she has some wisdom for Violetta about not getting so wound up by the boys' teasing, and she's not self-absorbed or jerky; she just got too drunk.
  3. Madison
    Bubbles gets off to a poor start with the "I sah ah peeeee-niiiiis" and the waking everyone up obnoxiously for the kayaking trip -- but she's so excited about girls' night and how "we're BON-DEEEEEN," and her operatically terrified face before her mud-wrestling round is adorable. And then she trounces the other girl.
  4. Jason
    I'm with him up to a point when he lets Violetta light his fuse by being able to dish it out and not take it; he's right. He shouldn't expect congratulations for controlling himself in the argument, though, and the idea that this is something he's learned from impending fatherhood is...well, I don't know. He didn't enjoy the most awesome fathering himself, so let's chalk it up to a processing error and move on. He's trying to do the right thing by Yolanda, the mother of his child, though they aren't in love and never were, but "the right thing" is maybe not going on national TV to do shots and walk around naked?
  5. Tony
    The "oh bee tee dubs I have a girl back home" thing is nonsense -- see: Madison's "opposite of cute, BYE" face when he's giving her the "doesn't it suck that we can't just bone because I'm 'setting a boundary'" speech -- but to his slight, small credit he does seem to have tried to put Elizabeth off before he left, and he's a relative grown-up about Madison's selfie smoochies with bar manager Cole. Too bad he cancels that out by dialing up the producers on the house Batphone and asking if they can take a house vote to get Violetta out of the house. A basically good guy who needs to mature past the "being honest about the ways in which I'm selfish and impulsive makes up for engaging in selfish and impulsive behaviors, right?" phase.
  6. Violetta
    Not totally hopeless, as I enjoyed the "learning how to cook" song and the expression "the tip of my bitch-berg." The lack of a sense of humor, blacking out (or claiming to) on extensive frenching of Carla's friend, and HOW-DARE-YOU-SIR-ing of Tony are all problematic, however, as is the creation of an alter ego "allowing" her to get wasted and act a fool. Own your shit, missy.
  7. Bruno
    After the full-court press of Sylvia he slammed the brakes on the instant she had a conversation with Tony, then the getting in her face, Bruno's the one getting an apology the next day somehow, and speaking veddy grandly about "enjoying the city" and not focusing on any one person. It's at this point that, if I'm Sylvia, I'm officially like, "Aaaaaand I'm dry," especially after he calls Carla up and thinks her dropping by the house is a great idea, uses lines like wanting to "get lost in" her, and is super-proud of getting the first ass in the house. In...the bathroom. And not with Carla. And he makes a biiiig old hairy condescending deal of letting Sylvia know what happened himself, instead of letting her hear from someone else that the editors captioned his exit from the bathroom "FIVE MINUTES LATER." He can see how much it bothers her even though she's got a fake smile plastered on, he says, like, what do you expect? She probably feels awkward that you're being such a drama queen! Fuck off, kid.

Season To Date Rankings

Rank Name Points Trending
1 Nicole 21
2 Sylvia 16
3 Jason 15
4 Tony 10
5 Bruno 8
6 (tie) Violetta 7
6 (tie) Madison 7
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