Numbers Of The Beasts

The upshot of the Johnny/Averey/Nia brawl? Johnny and Averey leave the house, voluntarily; Nia steers her Mrs. Staypuft rage at Jordan instead; it gets squashed thanks to Marlon (and likely a producer telling that Dom guy to step away or enjoy some county jail); and the season ends with kind of a whimper, as even Nia's personality disorder can only get Jessica a tie for seventh place.

Stay tuned for the carnival of self-justification the RW reunion will surely throw, complete with puking on the roller-coaster. For now, we finalize the Real World: Portland power rankings, and offer Marlon our congratulations on sucking the least.

What's going on here? I'll list the housemates from best to worst each week. First place gets 8 points, second place 7, and so on. Whoever has the most points at the end of the season is probably the most awesome person in the RW: Portland house. Yes, I'm counting Averey's dog, Daisy. No, I don't think this is a terribly scientific system.

And now, let's pack it up.

  1. Marlon

    When Nia basically puts a beatdown hit out on Jordan via her friend Dom, Marlon speaks to Dom directly all "not worth it, bro" and changes Dom's mind about it. Tries to be fair to both sides and respect what Nia may have felt during the fight -- more than I'd have done -- but "can't ride with Nia anymore," and tells her calmly but to her face, "It's always Nia's story, and everybody else's story." Winner and unsurprising cham-peen.

  2. Jordan

    Correctly diagnoses Nia's spin on the fight story as needing to play the victim. When a meet is arranged between him and Nia, pretends to ignore the fact that Nia's "apology" is total rationalizing, and apologizes for everything he's ever done to her, real and perceived, to get it squashed already. At the house meeting to determine whether Nia should leave, is the only one to raise his hand when Johnny and Averey ask who wants Nia to go. Seems genuine when he says he's learned not to push people so hard. Strong finish, probably thanks to barely appearing on camera in the season's latter half.

  3. Johnny

    Restrains Averey after Nia ambushes her in the bathroom; he knows it's not fair, but Averey can't stoop to her level. Calls the house meeting; announces that they'll leave if Nia stays, because he's afraid for his safety. Is taking Daisy to Massachusetts for a month, then coming to Arizona to U-Haul Averey and her life back to the east coast. Solid guy, but needs new batteries in his Averey bullshit detector.

  4. Anastasia

    Bird organizes a volunteer opportunity for herself, Jordan, and Marlon at a homeless shelter, to get some perspective. Stays out of the fight donnybrook, mostly, but should have nadded up and voted one way or the other. Smart, likable, will eventually learn the benefits of a spine.

  5. Averey and Daisy (tie)

    Not much to say, really; Averey's plan to send Daisy home with Johnny "as an insurance policy" isn't the healthiest one I've ever heard, but at least she's not blathering on about edible underwear or something. Most improved award.

  6. Jessica

    Admits she's scared of Nia's reaction if she votes to kick her out of the house; doesn't seem to see that this is exactly the problem. Notes that everyone's "been manipulated" by Nia but is content to shelter behind Anastasia. Is a good sport at Marlon's performance and jokingly puts on a tiara in the cab as she's leaving (and crying, again, some more); wasn't terrible this week, but others were better. Fitting finish.

  7. Nia

    Itemizing her pathological horseshit would take pages, so let's leave it here: she has clearly not processed various traumae in her past, chiefly the sexual assault, and is operating under the mistaken belief that acting the gangster will protect her from emotional harm. She's definitely an asshole, has a martyr complex, wants people to fear her but delegates physical revenge to others, etc., but mostly she wants love, and to feel like she didn't deserve what happened to her, and until a counselor helps her with that darkness, she's going to keep going about it all wrong by being a dick. Why production didn't grok at least part of that, or at minimum kick her out for repeatedly getting physical with people and require she see a therapist, who knows. Good luck to her.

Season Rankings

Rank Name Points Trending
1 Marlon 82  
2 Daisy 66  
3 Jordan 65  
4 Johnny 63  
5 Anastasia 60  
6 Averey 45  
7 (tie) Nia and Jessica 30  
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