'Jordan, We Can't Hit The Girls.'

Jordan slips in the rankings this week, but he and everyone else in the house -- including inbound new roomie Nia -- will have to work pretty hard to do worse than Averey. Yeeeeees, yes, Averey. You're sexually transgressive and you shave your private peony. For the love of beer and skittles, we get it, and they don't hand out medals for going to the sex-toy shop on camera, so please please shut up. Please.

You too, Jessica.

Lost? Here's the deal: I'll list the housemates from best to worst each week. First place gets 8 points, second place 7, and so on. Whoever has the most points at the end of the season is probably the most awesome person in the RW: Portland house. Yes, I'm counting Averey's dog Daisy. No, I don't think this is a terribly scientific system.

And now, that's why they call it "work"…

1. Marlon

After Jordan goes all pesty-drunk at the club, comes the closest to explaining why everyone's suddenly extremely fed up with the guy; calmly calls him on it the next morning. Pulls down a restaurant job as a busboy and says he more than happy not to have to deal with people all day. Passes a few dicky comments about Jordan's wake-boarding, but holds the top spot primarily by virtue of being less of a twonk than anyone else this week.

2. Jordan

As referenced above, gets all lit up and stands on the figurative nads of the entire household; way too much, for sure, but I sense there's something we didn't see given the uber-negative reactions of normally-reasonable Johnny and Marlon. Also has a lame strategy for not directly hitting on girls that naturally upsets Jessica more than it needs to. Makes up for douchesque tendencies by eye-rolling that Joi doesn't "'need' to go home" -- she wants to. "I don't get that." Points out that Averey and Johnny's bathroom bone sesh should perhaps not take place on their first day of work with the managers still on-site.

3. Daisy

Takes a dump in the confessional, then disappears. That's revolting, but also a comment on how Averey is apparently too busy corning the beef to take her for a walk, which, word.

4. Jessica

Picks up a dude named Tyler at a bar, then won't kiss him after she brings him home. Features in endless date-prep segment whose unfortunate result is a dress that somehow makes her perfectly cute figure look like improperly blended hummus. Asks Nia her ethnicity, then pens a song with LL Cool J about it. (The last part is silent.)

5. Anastasia

Nosy about whether Johnny could get hard when he was drunk (like Averey's going to skim over any information in the second place). Makes fun of Johnny's c.v. instead of helping him with it. Is aggressively unfunny.

6. Joi / Nia

Come job-hunting time, thinks she's better than the jobs on offer, and believes her four years of college should count for something…in this economy. Calls her dad, who enables her entitlement, and decides to leave. Half-grade bump for just deciding to leave and peacing out without dragging out the agita for two episodes. Nia, her replacement, is an evident shit-stirrer who talks on rental-car-cam about wanting her boobs done and how she likes two things, dick and fast food. I'm all for her if she gets into it with Averey, but per se she's going to get old fast.

7. Johnny

Gets out-of-proportion pissed at Jordan, not once but twice, which indicates the issue is maybe not Jordan's drinking. Is intimidated by Averey's constant try-hard talk about bondage tape, Kegel balls, blah blah; complains that she's bothering him for too much sex and he needs to sleep. Takes the lead on going into the bathroom with Averey at their job and having mungy sex at their job with the mic packs turned on. At. Their job. Needs perspective and to nad up, stat.

8. Averey

"I don't think he's ever been bondaged" -- it's kind of all right there in that (non-)sentence. Obviously thrilled with her rep as experienced and voracious. Constant TMI about tying Johnny up, morning sex, etc. Part of me feels a tiny bit sad for/empathetic towards her, because in my late-blooming experience, people who need that badly for you to know how experienced they are…aren't. She's not a bad person and she'll grow out of it, but she didn't invent liking to fuck and she needs to cram it prontito.

Season To Date Rankings

Rank Name Points Trending
1 Marlon 23  
2 Jordan 22  
3 Johnny 14  
4 Daisy 13  
5 (tie) Jessica and Joi/Nia 11  
6 Anastasia 8  
7 Averey 6  
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