'I'm Still Full Of Shenanigans.'

Welcome to our inaugural Real World power rankings, as the curtain goes up on the twenty-eighth (...oh my God, you guys) season of RW. This one's set in Portland, but like all the others, it devotes most of the season premiere to oohing and aahing over the season house, boring get-to-know-you clips from the housemates' boring audition videos, and so on. In other words, it's hard to guess on heroes and villains.

But: not impossible. Shut up, Averey.

Anyway! It works like this: I'll list the housemates from best to worst each week. First place gets 8 points, second place 7, and so on. Whoever has the most points at the end of the season is probably the most awesome person in the RW: Portland house. Yes, I'm counting Averey's dog Daisy. No, I don't think this is a terribly scientific system. Eff it, it's Real World.

1. Jordan

Referred to little dogs as "ankle-biters." When Marlon asked how he lost his hand, Jordan shrugged, "Gator," and kept it going for several minutes. (He was born without the hand.) Gently put off wife half of swinger couple at the club.

2. Marlon

Has a certain way of phrasing things that's funny now but could wear thin. Confessed that the dudes in the house have "booty rankings" of the girls; I found that honesty refreshing, but he's getting points off for inciting Anastasia.

3. Johnny

Boston accent a plus; first-week hook-up with Averey less so. Derped himself a black eye playing basketball and looks like my neighbor who goes through our trash, but was happy to play dog bed for Daisy.

4. Jessica

A non-entity so far except for the thong so thongy, the editors covered her crack with a little bird. Hee. Oh, Portland.

5. Daisy

May drop in the rankings if she starts peeing inside...unless she nails one of Anastasia's hoodies.

6. Joi

Tattooed semi-try-hard who seemed cool until she embroiled herself in the drunken "you weren't a gentleman to those girls you brought home" fight between Anastasia and Jordan.

7. Anastasia

Got super-mad about the booty rankings, to the point where she wanted to leave the restaurant and was getting teary-voiced about how "it's meeeeean." Also got super-mad about Jordan and Marlon bringing girls home that they had no intention of sleeping with (buh?) and kicked the girls out herself, because that's nicer? I don't even know. She came into the house with a boyfriend of three months, which come on. Wore sunglasses indoors, which ditto.

8. Averey

A Hooters girl who's a liiiiittle strident about that fact, Averey brought Daisy to the house without asking. The dog is cute, but it's one thing to see a Jack Russell mix on the street and say "aw" to it. It's another to live with that barking. On top of that, she's uncomfortably reminiscent of Ayiiiiiiiiiia from RW: Cancun, and high-fiving with Anastasia about both having absentee alcoholic fathers is just odd. Thinks "debauchery" is pronounced "de-bock-ery." You know that expression about telling smart girls they're pretty, and pretty girls they're smart? Coined for her.

Season To Date Rankings

Rank Name Points Trending
1 Jordan 8  
2 Marlon 7  
3 Johnny 6  
4 Jessica 5  
5 Daisy 4  
6 Joi 3  
7 Anastasia 2  
8 Averey 1  

'Til next week, do yourself a massive favor and go read our man Joe Reid's master ranking of all the seasons to date on Vulture. It's the Jordan of RW writing.

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