'I'm A Very Sexual Person.'

I think I'm supposed to hate Jordan because he's relentless with the girls, but I also think I'm twice these kids' age and I just have zero patience with Jessica and Anastasia's shared inability to be like, "Whatevski, fine, everyone was drunk and let's just have a time-out."

And with Jessica. Shut up, Jessica. Do not print out your goddamn poetry and then get boo-boo-kitty face when Marlon delivers a Brandoid reading of it.

A reminder of what we're doing here: I’ll list the housemates from best to worst each week. First place gets 8 points, second place 7, and so on. Whoever has the most points at the end of the season is probably the most awesome person in the RW: Portland house. Yes, I’m counting Averey’s dog Daisy. No, I don’t think this is a terribly scientific system. The beatings will continue until Joi improves.

Marlon

Wondering who The Gay One is? It's Marlon. Sort of? He had a gay relationship, but only identifies as bi because it's less confusing, or something. Calls "vagina" "the most powerful thing ever created." Had some good insights about the Jessica/Jordan tiff and seems able to speak truth without getting aggro about it. Does a dramatic reading of Jessica's attention-whore poem that is extremely rude and therefore utterly awesome.

Jordan

Other housemates nail it -- he has to be right -- but then again, he usually is, and it's usually about someone annoying. He calls out Anastasia out for misquoting him about their argument the previous night (correct); calls her "la la la I won't talk to you" nonsense "seventh grade" (correct); identifies Jessica as a sheltered drama queen and bellows, "No one cares! …Block him!" about Jessica sobbing over an email from an ex (correct). At a gay club, gets hit on by a drag queen and is completely fine with it.

1. Johnny

Generally nice and even-tempered. Handles the situation with Averey straightforwardly and spends tons of time with the dog, even picking up poops, to get into Averey's good graces.

2. Joi

Benefits from barely speaking this week.

3. Averey

Improved this week despite '50s attitudes -- "boys just want to get in your pants!" -- about sex. She's afraid to trust her feelings, and there's a limit to how many times we need to hear that…but she's less defensive about her background this week, although she really shouldn't let Anastasia keep blathering on about Jordan. Has an awesome grandma.

4. Daisy

Shown in the act of shitting on camera, and also destroyed a Styrofoam ball.

5. Anastasia

Whines about Jordan for days afterwards, to everyone -- her boyfriend, Averey, bums on the street corner. Is super-nosy about Marlon's male sex partner. Thinks he's in denial about being gay. Gets all screechy about penises.

6. Jessica

Fucking ridiculous. Except for comparing Jordan yelling over her to Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah's couch, which was pretty funny, she's awful this week: spoiled, clueless, ignorant, diagnoses Jordan as unloved as a child (versus merely impatient with her suckery), and prints out a poem she writes about her ex and hands it out, HANDS. IT. OUT. PEOPLE. And then she's all pretend embarrassed when Marlon is reading it. Is nosy to Marlon's face about his sex partner, peppering him with questions. Eats peanut butter straight from the jar and then puts it away, Puck.

Season To Date Rankings

Rank Name Points Trending
1 (tie) Jordan and Marlon 15  
3 Johnny 12  
4 Joi 8  
5 Daisy 7  
6 Jessica 6  
7 Averey 5  
8 Anastasia 4  

Next week, someone leaves, and as long as it's one of the girls, I'm cool with it.

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