Screen: MTV

Bones Of Contention

Real World: Skeletons sets new records for contrivance, rapid roommate beef, ill-advised frenching.

    Real World: Skeletons is, I think, the point at which the storied seven-strangers-etc. franchise is no longer distinguishable from elaborate parodies of itself. The concept of the show's thirtieth season is apparently similar to that of the previous season, Ex-plosion, which I didn't watch, namely that nemeses from the housemates' pasts -- exes, bullies/bully-ees, estranged sibs, and so on -- take turns living in the house with the main cast for a week.

    The supersized season premiere is skeleton-free, but unsurprisingly, the Core Seven don't need any outside help getting shmammed, frenching each other, knocking over furniture, and elbowing the English language in the head. All that and the setting off of a smoke alarm is accomplished in under 24 hours, so while I thought initially that RW 30 might not merit a ranking system, the minute Sylvia blared, "Shit happens when you party naked!", I changed my mind. ...Oh hi there, bottle of Bulleit and bendy straw.

    Anyway! It works like this: I'll list the housemates from best to worst each week. First place gets 7 points, second place 6, and so on. Whoever has the most points at the end of the season is probably the most awesome person in the RW: Skeletons house. No, Mr. Snuggledicks doesn't get his own slot. No, I don't think this is a terribly scientific system. Yes, I went to university "for this."

    1. Nicole
      I don't know what's going on with that accent -- is Staten Island a subdivision of Southie now? -- but I don't care; "the first female ever on the football team" and her welcoming hollers of "Nicole, bro!" mean she's my house crush until further notice.
    2. Jason
      May have confused "repeating state of origin" with "a genuine identity," but the resident Tarheel is inoffensive so far.
    3. Bruno
      "Being that drunk is not a good look," he says of Violetta. High five! "Especially in a woman," he adds. Shut up! He's kiiiind of a cheesy duckfacer, but he's also relatively mellow, and brought a tiny teddy bear named Mr. Snuggledicks with him to the house. Benefits here in the early going from holding his liquor, despite some C-minus tats and clambering onto Sylvia in the confessional.
    4. Sylvia
      Although she lets the actively having no use for Madison get out of hand on Night 1 -- and uses the "word" "irregardless" -- I can't argue with the sentiment, and I sense in her a relatable combination of silly and grumpy.
    5. Tony
      "'Vidalia'? Like the onion?" Hee. He's cute, probably means well, but pointing out that you totally see the dramz beartrap while blithely sticking various appendages into it is slightly less evolved than, you know, avoiding it, and if he keeps bumbling in between Madison and whomever else and doesn't learn, he could spend some time at the back of the pack.
    6. Violetta
      "Bras are for pussies and Republicans." "I hate when people touch me." The THUG LIFE lip tattoo. I should really really hate the woman, probably, and the try-hard hypocrisy and shit-stirring for its own sake is already exhausting, but Flora 2.0 isn't as terrible as her ranking might suggest. She's...pretty terrible. The macking on Bruno AND Sylvia followed by the smug look-at-me smile is not great. Still, she's more uncomfortable to watch as she fails to deal with her "moved here from Moldova and lived 'kids are little shitty monsters'" adjustment issues than she is a shitty monster herself. ...Maybe.
    7. Madison
      Puke. "Guys just tend to fall in love with me!" she boo-boo-kitties, and you'll just never guess how many girl friends she has! None! Sylvia and Violetta jump up her ass for not paying her share at the club, and Violetta steps to Tony while he's kind of macking on Madison, so of course that's her cue to snivel that this is why she "had to be home-schooled," because girls were mean to her. It's a function of youth, the "I don't get along with other women" phase, and I had one myself after double-digit years of single-sex schooling, but if every broad you come across acts like you're annoying? Maybe you're annoying.

    Season To Date Rankings

    Rank Name Points Trending
    1 Nicole 7
    2 Jason 6
    3 Bruno 5
    4 Sylvia 4
    5 Tony 3
    6 Violetta 2
    7 Madison 1
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