Screen: Bravo

Real Housewives Of Orange County Birthdays Involve Bad Decisions And Badder Behavior

Shannon's expectations for her birthday aren't very high...fortunately?

Shannon's a good person and her birthday is sad; Vicki's a crazy person and her birthday is really nice. Life just sucks like that sometimes.

Whyyyy Shannon, whyyyyy?

I know I give Shannon a lot -- and I mean a lot -- of grief, but the truth is that I really do like her; she seems refreshingly real in a world where I spend half my time wondering how to convince Andy to make next season a Hunger Games-style competition. (It was really very nice of her to put Meghan in touch with her doctor.) But as much as I admire her willingness to be completely open about David's affair and her emotional state(s), all of the details keep me wondering why she's fighting to stay married in the first place. Affair aside, does she even like David? Or her kids? I know I sure don't.

Maybe the fallout from being on the show itself is to blame (or, you know, maybe it's just that David's a selfish jerkoff), but no one should have to face a fiftieth birthday like Shannon says she did, much less practically cry at the table on her fifty-first right in front of the cake. Get up and leave, girl! Take that ugly dragon bracelet from a few episodes ago out to the guys on Pawn Stars and have Tamra set you up in a cute little rockstar-approved rental on the beach. You don't need those fourteen bathrooms (?! Seriously, what are they doing with all those toilets?); you just need to get up and decide that you're worth more than mediocre short ribs and Stella's terrible painting. And if you're really doing it all for your kids, think about what it must be like for them to sit through David's toasting of "Cheers, happy birthday, sorry it's my fault!"

But back to Stella's art...

Her sunset painting is pretty average, but who did the oversized floral that we saw hanging in the craft room? It's gorgeous!

How sheltered is Meghan?

Being #30 doesn't excuse her from not knowing who Heather Locklear, Richie Sambora, or Tommy Lee are; I'm twenty-seven and vividly remember a lot of the details from the latter's relationship with Pamela Anderson, and several of the plot points from Melrose Place. (Kimberly's wig scars! Death by balcony fall! What six-year-old wouldn't love that show?) And to then confuse Tommy Lee with Gavin Rossdale? It's a Tragic Kingdom she's trapped herself in.

What is wrong with Vicki?

Seriously, why does she think she can behave as she does? Aside from having a questionable claim on the title of OG of the OC (I'm Team Sandy Cohen), she's basically a mildly successful, divorced bottle blonde with a user/abuser of a boyfriend. Soooo, what I'm saying is, she really has no business in making me feel like Meghan is the wronged party in any conversation/shouting match. Her touchiness whenever the topic of Brooks's questionable cancer (what a phrase) comes up goes too far (especially since she freely admits that she rarely attends his appointments and spends her time telling him how much she loves him only because he finds the time to plan private dinner cruises), but to project her own issues into accusations that Meghan wasn't concerned for LeeAnn Edmonds crosses the propriety line by a distance equivalent to the square footage of Heather's house.

But also, did Vicki finally get a stylist?

Sure, she's absolutely insufferable, but she looks really, really good. Between the black patterned maxi she has on when Tamra's over, to the pink caplet mini she wears to Heather's luncheon, her wardrobe really steps it up in both in the Age Appropriate and Wish I Owned categories. Does anyone know where I can get a cheaper version of those turquoise chandelier earrings?

Aw, Shannon's Woodward/Nightingale burn is maybe, sort of clever?

It's all about the positive reinforcement.

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