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The Real Housewives of New York City's LuAnn Is On A Boat, And Possibly Something Else

While the Countess continues to play the fool in love, storm clouds gather -- in the form of her fellow Housewives -- to rain on her parade.

Not Getting Lei-ed After All

This scene mostly functions as a delivery system for the sad fact that Bethenny forced the producers to switch the locale of the Bitch Trip from Hawaii to the more convenient Miami, but it's also a delightful mid-afternoon booze-fest among Ramona, Sonja, LuAnn, and Dorinda (a.k.a. the four Housewives I'd most like to see star in a spinoff in which they road-trip around the country getting drunk at dive bars and visiting local tourist traps). There are lazy puns made about meatballs and allusions to Ramona going off to visit her "personal gynecologist" that marginally respectable women like Carole would be too ashamed to partake in.

We also get a visit from the Ramona of old when LuAnn mentions that she'll be staying with Tom in Palm Beach instead of with the other women at whatever Howard Johnson's the producers are able to book at the last minute, and Ramona asks her age-old question, "Wait, isn't this a GIRL'S TRIP?" Somewhere, Alex McCord just spit up her cocktail.

Prepping The Old Ramona For Battle

Poor Jules gets her very promising shoe-shopping scene (could you hear me wink?) hijacked by Ramona, who recently learned that LuAnn answered a reporter's question about Tom's prior relationships with Ramonja instead of...what? Slapping the guy? Ramona feels that if she and Sonja aren't allowed to refer to the "BL" era, neither should Lu. It's unclear why Ramona is so upset, but she is, and that means good things for us.

The Vultures Gather

Carole, Dorinda, and Ramona come to Bethenny's apartment, where she makes them take off their shoes at the door lest they track in New York sidewalk gunk and make Bryn sick. We learn that the Bitch Trip plans have altered once again -- this time, thanks to LuAnn. Her friend is throwing her a "celebration party" on Friday, which means everyone (except Bethenny who has a bloody vagina "hall pass" from her doctor, lucky girl) has to fly down a day early and stay in Palm Beach for a night. Seriously, what is with LuAnn and Palm Beach? It's not that great. As a South Florida native, I can confidently say that it is the Ft. Lauderdale of the area slightly north of Ft. Lauderdale.

Bethenny predicts that Sonja will not be able to keep her mouth shut about the "Before Lu" era of Tom's life when she's around him, and I certainly hope she's right! Sonja is the "sleeper cell" of this season, as Bethenny deems her, and it's time she let loose a little danger.

Where Art Thou, Hannah?

Carole packs too many sunglasses and talks to Dorinda on the phone about the intrigue of their upcoming trip. Nothing you haven't heard before. Dorinda is actually in the neighborhood, but turns down Carole's offer to come up and visit because she's got Hannah with her, and Hannah decided after her sole, unflattering appearance on the show that she would rather not appear on camera.

Moops Like Jagger

Jules flew to Florida early to visit her parents in Boca, because of course Jules's parents live in Boca. They are both adorable, albeit visibly nervous to be on camera. The cozy scene takes a dramatic turn, however, when they FaceTime Jules's kids in, and Jagger, through tears, asks, "Can you call Daddy? Because I don't know when he comes home." I fully expect this scene to be presented as evidence during their divorce proceedings.

Before Lu('s Yacht)

Ramona, Sonja, and Dorinda fly in to Palm Beach and, after some high jinks with their bags, get right down to trashing LuAnn. Well, Ramona trashes LuAnn while Dorinda pretends not to be the shit-stirrer that she is, and Sonja mostly focuses on making her fuck-bud relationship with Tom appear classier than it probably was. Ramona floats a new theory that LuAnn actually called the press herself, as Lu is wont to do, and let them in on the Ramonja-Tom-Lu love rhombus of sadness.

But the real reason you should watch this sequence is LuAnn, walking around alone on the yacht, giggling randomly like a madwoman and dancing by herself like nobody's watching, except the millions of people she knows will be watching. This bizarrely performative, potentially substance-influenced (ALLEGEDLY) version of LuAnn is so much fun to watch, especially because she clearly doesn't realize she's coming off as a fucking looney toon. When Jules shows up before the other girls, LuAnn kicks into overdrive, jumping up and down and gushing like a Southern debutante who just got engaged to the wealthiest plantation owner in Savannah.

They're On A Boat

The blondes arrive at the yacht -- which Sonja takes pains to point out is not nearly as luxurious as her ex-husband's -- and the babbling that follows officially (FINALLY) marks the beginning of this season's Bitch Trip™. LuAnn hands Sonja a glass of champagne so that they can toast to LuAnn's engagement for the sixty-seventh time, but Ramona takes it away, not wanting Sonja to slip back into her old habits. Sonja has actually appeared remarkably sober this season, so when LuAnn insists on handing the glass back to Sonja, it only makes me root for Lu's fast-approaching downfall even more than I already was. I am firmly Team Keep Sonja Clean And Her Skin Glowing!

When the girls split up to slip into their bathing suits, LuAnn ends up alone on the deck with Dorinda, who quickly tells LuAnn that Ramona is planning on having a Serious Talk with her about the press shenanigans. LuAnn gets real nasty real fast, dropping an octave or two and calling Ramona "an idiot." She declares, "This is my story!," which is so on-brand for her. She accuses of Ramona being the one to speak to the press, but, seconds later, sorta admits to being the culprit when she says, "It's my relationship so I can say what I want."

Once Carole arrives, the women reunite on the deck, and there's a minor squabble when Ramona insists that LuAnn tell her the name of every single person invited to the party so, ostensibly, she can do some quick Facebook stalking and plan which man or men she plans to shamelessly hit on. LuAnn refuses to indulge her with the full guest list, which only makes Ramona more irritatingly insistent. LuAnn declares that she's never inviting Ramona anywhere ever again, which probably comes off more antagonistic that it was meant thanks to editing, but there's no doubt that the simmering unease between is going to boil over, and soon.

While the other women prep for the party, we cut to Bethenny in Miami, sitting seaside with a friend at a sad-looking, mostly abandoned resort. (Who knew South Florida in February would be a bad idea?) Apparently, Bethenny's doctor did approve her two-hour flight to Miami, but not the ninety-minute drive up to Palm Beach. I smell Aviva Drescher levels of bullshit here, but it was a necessary deception so Bethenny could unload some new, still unconfirmed gossip about Tom on a non-Housewife. She claims to have been sent a series of texts, the contents of which remain a mystery for now, but which amount to a smoking gun that might cause LuAnn to call off the wedding.

Back at the yacht, oblivious to the shit that's about to fall on his head, Tom arrives, beholds his fiancée, and declares, "A feast for my eyes!" I immediately understand what everyone's been saying about Tom being ready and willing for his time in the spotlight. He is a slightly less scuzzy Slade, but I doubt he has the staying power of Mr. Gretchen Rossi. Meanwhile, below deck, Ramona and Carole pepper Sonja with questions about Tom. She admits to being nervous about seeing them together, especially after she learns that LuAnn actually knew about their former dalliances long before she let on. IT IS ALL HAPPENING...next week.

Verdict

Finally, RHONYC is out of its winter slump! All the ingredients -- a sanctimonious Countess, a jilted Sonja, a troublemaking Ramona, and Bethenny's scandalous texts -- are about to come together for a bitchy Housewives feast for the ages.

Star Trek Week, we ask:

Which Federation officers would make good/better spouses for the Real Housewives?

  • Sonja and Capt. Janeway: Sonja's bisexuality is canon, and Janeway is always looking for a new project.
  • LuAnn and Capt. Kirk: Just imagine them zipping around the galaxy, fucking their way from pleasure planet to pleasure planet.
  • Dorinda and Worf: Hey, he's less of a brute than John.
  • Carole and Wesley Crusher: We know she likes them young!
  • Bethenny and Seven of Nine: I really don't need to explain why Bethenny should be with a cyborg.
  • Ramona and the Holographic Doctor:
  • Finally, someone qualified to properly diagnose Ramona! And he can always deactivate his program when she won't shut up.

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