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The Real Housewives of New York City Reunion Part II: Ramona's Body Of Proof

Is Ramona hiding a smoking gun behind her reunion couch pillow of secrets?

Frankel Talk

Though my feelings about Bethenny are in constant flux, I'm not writing about the eighth season of this goddamn show due to lack of interest in her messy life. Avid Frankel watchers already know she reached out to her estranged mom at the request of Brynn, but no piece of Housewives news is certified official until someone tearfully confirms it to Andy Cohen -- or, in the case of walking skidmark Jason Hoppy finally abandoning the home Skinnygirl bought, until someone shows a video her assistant shot of her sobbing in said abandoned home. Bethenny uses the reunion as her own personal therapy session, and, as usual, she's able to bring the pathos when it counts.

Oh: and if you were wondering, Bethenny's vagina is doing much better.

Jules's Rules

Hey, remember when I admitted my grudging respect and compassion for Bethenny in the previous section? Yeah, fuck that. The biggest question to be answered during this part of the reunion is what Bethenny said to make Jules's voice crack while asking, "What is wrong with you, Bethenny?" Was it Bethenny's theory that Jules joined the show in an attempt to "leapfrog" from her marriage? Is it another accusation that Jules was duplicitous in presenting herself as an eating-disorder survivor? Nope! Somehow, it's a third awful thing. Bethenny believes Jules acted as a poor representative of the Jewish people. Look, no one thinks Jules's mitzvah bath in the champagne bucket was the most earnest of religious acts, but what does her paying someone $2,000 to potty-train her toddler have to do with her role as a Jewish woman? Even worse than her weirdly baseless line of attack, Bethenny believes she has the right to make such judgment calls as...a New Yorker. Somehow, Jill Zarin resisted going on a tweetstorm about that one. (Carole also gets some shit for her part in the bulimia-gossiping, but she, at least, has the good sense not to argue back.)

Oh, and if you were wondering, Jules's vagina is doing much better.

Dorinda Meddler

Dorinda played her contractually-mandated role as this season's shit-stirrer, and some people have problems with that. Bethenny thinks Dorinda "teed Jules up" to hate her, and Sonja...honestly, I couldn't follow what Sonja said. Something about Dorinda not sufficiently having her back during the Tipsy Girl debacle. None of it really matters except Dorinda calling out Carole for invoking Dorinda's late husband to explain Bethenny's "possessed" behavior in the Berkshires. Carole really was a pill this season, huh?

LieAnn's Con-tro-ver-see-al Engagement

For months now, I've begun every morning by checking two things: what horrendous thing Donald Trump did/said that morning which would disqualify literally any other candidate but ends up only bolstering his stance among our nation's caucus of dummies, and whether LuAnn and Tom are still engaged. 2016 has been hard enough, but the prospect of ending the year with a Trump presidency AND a wedding special for the soon-to-no-longer-be Countess is too much to bear.

If LuAnn has anything to say about it, we'll be suffering through at least one of those atrocities soon enough. She may have dropped the giddy debutante shtick, but not even Tom's cheating on and humiliating her on national TV will prevent Lu from presenting him as her soulmate. Her non-answer to Andy's first question -- whether she's repeating the same mistake she made with her first husband, Alex, by jumping into the wedding bed too soon -- tells you exactly how much thought Lu's put into the relationship she plans on spending the rest of her life in.

There's enough Tom drama to cover that we don't even get to his record-breaking affair -- but you better believe we're diving into that next week. A lot of time is devoted to Ramona's detailing her five dates with Tom, four of which LuAnn refuses to believe took place. One thing Lu can't deny is that Tom drew a heart inscribed with his and Ramona's initials on Ramona's hand, which Ramona presents a photo of as if it's from the Pentagon Papers. Speaking of, Ramona came prepared for this reunion like never before, at one point revealing a pile of wrinkled paper behind the pillow she usually uses to hide her snacks and Xanax. The second time she presents a piece of evidence against Tom, it's a print-out of a story from Radar Online which ostensibly proves that Tom wanted people to know about his former flings with Ramonja. Someone did her research, and by "someone," I mean Ramona's assistant.

The biggest revelation from this section is that Sonja only slept with Tom about five times (according to her) over the course of a decade, which really does stretch the definition of "lovers." The editors seem to be on Sonja's side, considering Andy gets cut off right before it seems like he's about to make that point. Still, five fucks is not one fuck, as Lu insists it was, and calling Sonja "delusional" for exaggerating her relationship with Tom is definitely hitting below the belt considering Sonja's history with that word.

The episode ends with Andy asking the women whether they think Lu and Tom will make it down the aisle. Ramona hastily answers, "I don't know," but the rest of them grudgingly admit that they think the wedding will take place, if only to keep the future Mrs. De Lesseps-D'Agostino from calling them unsupportive bitches again.

Verdict

Next week promises the real fireworks, but there's enough hostility in this episode to make for a perfectly enjoyable hour of discomfort.

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