The Real Housewives Of New York City Is Fluffy On Top, Icy On The Bottom
This week's ski trip keeps changing course and pulling off incredible tricks. Jordan Veilleux's got questions!
Why did Dorinda bother having her bags delivered?
I'll admit that I'm reaching here. These shows are about wish fulfillment, so generally speaking, the crazier the decision, the better. Still, I can't wrap my head around why Dorinda had her bags delivered when they're only staying for forty-eight hours. Why am I so butt-hurt (more on that later) about it? Because an Uber from Queens to Stratton is $420.22 -- I checked.
Sure, Dorinda probably would have racked up a comparable bill renting or buying the "necessities," but why didn't a producer force her to wear the same outfit the entire weekend? Why didn't she have to Frankenstein an outfit out of Ramona's Stevie Nicks collection and Bethenny's Muppet ensembles? Why wasn't Dorinda screaming at Luann while wearing a Countess Collection pantsuit she borrowed from her? What was in there that Dorinda needed so bad?
Why doesn't anyone seem to have slept well?
Again, I'm not really playing fair here. Plus these are city folk, so I understand that the quiet of nature can be unsettling when you're used to, if not the sound of traffic, then the sound of a twenty-three-year-old raiding your medicine cabinet or making a sandwich before he struggles with the front door on his way out. That aside, everyone's more than a little haunted. Which is what's most surprising. Nine seasons in and I'm genuinely shocked that half these women were wide awake in bed feeling something akin to shame or remorse. Dorinda was up all night waiting for her nearly $500.00 Uber and, probably $1,000 worth of...uh, "natural stimulants" in her suitcase; Sonja didn't sleep well because she wasn't upright in a chair in the kitchen; Tinsley's having nightmares; Bethenny's stressed about her fight with Tinsley (she says that, but means Jason); Luann's worried the chef's going to come back and use her bathroom.
Here they are in a relaxing setting having the first somewhat normal trip in a long time, and almost everyone wakes up saying they slept terribly and feel like shit. Except Ramona -- go figure.
Did we expect Bethenny's apology to be an actual apology?
Of course not! It's even more brusque than usual! She literally says, "I started a charity for women in crisis. You're entitled to grieve how you do." She's completely uninterested in the words coming out of her mouth, and her body keeps moving further and further away from Tinsley and toward her snowboard while Tito's talks about how she deals with things. In something of a twist, though, Bethenny warms up to Tinsley and has a quasi-newfound respect for her by the episode's end.
Will these two get closer as the season wears on? Probably not -- Bethenny needs people with a thicker skin -- but I'm intrigued by her and Carole potentially being the Cher and Dion to Tinsley's Tai. (Side note: I'm going to be furious if their relationship grows only so that Bethenny and Fredrik can find her a house.)
Will things ever be the same between Luann and Sonja?
This is a tough one. It's sad to see that their relationship has taken such a turn over Tom, of all people, but here we are. Sonja's still hurt that Luann screws all her boyfriends and then married her fifth favorite; Luann's upset that Sonja keeps talking about her marriage as if she's a part of it because all she wants to do is distance herself from the fact that Tom's had sex with both them. Sonja says she's transitioning into marriage with Luann, by which she means getting used to the fact that Luann's husband is her ex-fuck buddy. Luann, of course, insecurely reads "transition" to mean "partouze," or threesome. I really hope they either ramp it up or officially get over it. The dance they've been doing around each other has been great at times, like Luann making faces behind her before running upstairs, but it's also starting to get a little old.
Would Tim and Dorinda have hit it off if Ramona didn't get in the way?
We'll never know. Dorinda has John, yes, but this was a real Sliding Doors moment that Ramona swatted away the second it came up. The second Tim landed on Dorinda's radar, the alarms went off in Ramona's head, and she punted him over to the bar. There was something there, though. I saw it. Dorinda and Tim, or Hannah and Tim, could have had something really special if Ramona didn't get in the way. I really believe that.
However, that raises another question: was Tim on the receiving end of one of the blowjobs that Ramona, at dinner, copped to giving? She's only had sex three times since her divorce (she's Catholic, she says), and yet here she is, apparently blowing everyone because blowjobs aren't sex. I don't think Tim and Ramona hooked up, but I do think religion is weird.
How is it possible that Carole's pronunciation of "Tito's" is more surprising than the fact that she's slept with a post-ER/pre-Danny Ocean George Clooney?
Tee. Toes.. Again, I'm probably being crazy and she's probably pronouncing it right, but I was taken aback. It really did sound like it was the first time she'd ever crossed paths with the word and was sounding it out while talking to Tinsley. And yes, the pronunciation is still more damning and strange than Tinsley working overtime to not say the words "therapist" and "anti-depressants." Though maybe that's why, since the subtext was "I'm judging you for drinking on anti-depressants and being a disaster of a person who won't cut her hair or rent one of her apartments." And, sorry Carole: just as I don't think John has a cucumber in his pants, I don't think Clooney is a 9, and I don't think you do, either.
Again, why has Carole taken such an interest in Tinsley? On second thought, Tinsley basically tells her that she isn't drinking to forget but just to get through the day, so thank god someone is.
Is Jason's arrest officially going to come up?
Again, why was no producer plying Ramona with wine and pushing her to bring up Jason's arrest? I'm sure everyone else's phones were blowing up just like Bethenny's, no? And yet nobody said anything! They have to know, don't they? This is my one major complaint about the show: I don't enjoy how everyone orbits around Bethenny like she's the sun. I miss when Heather used to threaten her or push back on some of her emotional antics.
This week's is a great episode regardless; it's just strange how much the arrest comes up without actually really coming up. Luann's marriage continues to take more hits than Bethenny's oft-touted divorce that we really don't know very much about.
Why don't we see the women play games at parties more often?
This week's dinner is incredible. Instead of staring at each other awkwardly like the ladies in Beverly Hills, the women of New York start playing Truth or Dare and right out of the gate start talking about anal sex and sexually harassing the caterers. Normally, everyone's screaming at each other, but what a fun icebreaker that leads to genuinely shocking and fun conversation until Dorinda stabs it in the face.
Speaking of which: Bethenny says she enjoys icebreakers and always does them when she has events, and I'm going to have to call bullshit. We've seen Bethenny's parties and they're so sterile and lifeless. She wishes she had a Truth or Dare icebreaker instead of that big dumb luge.
Will Ramona be invited to Mexico?
Considering I think we've seen her in the trip promo, I'm going to go ahead and say yes.
Will anyone ever quote Shakespeare correctly?
No, I don't think they will. But I'm eagerly waiting for the day it happens! I'm shocked there hasn't been a spinoff where a dozen randomly selected Housewives are forced to take a high school-level Shakespeare course. Can we get on that?