The Real Housewives Of New York City Find Scandal Under The Miami Sun
Bethenny lets LuAnn have one last weekend of fun before snapping her back to reality.
Specifically, the aftermath of Ramona's scream-belch upon Bethenny telling her about the photos she has of Tom making out with a woman at The Regency bar two days before flying down to Florida to celebrate his engagement to LuAnn. Ramona goes through so many emotions at once, from vindication to sympathy to almost peeing her pants. She eventually leaves to deliver the news to Sonja, but instead ends up in a room getting her nails did with a ruffled LuAnn, who doesn't understand why Bethenny just interrogated her about her arrangement with her first husband, Alex. Ramona is so scared she'll reveal to LuAnn what she knows that she can barely raise her voice above a whisper. It's delightful.
Tardy For The Party
Bethenny, Ramona, and Sonja drive to dinner first and, thanks to Carole's "wardrobe malfunction" that somehow prevents the other women from leaving for another hour and a half, they end up cooling their heels and jamming through appetizers for way too long. More importantly, they get plenty of time to gossip about LuAnn, because of course Ramona spilled the beans to Sonja (a.k.a. "Chrissy from Three's Company") as soon as she could get to the room where Sonja was most likely lying on the floor in the dark watching Cheers on her iPad. Sonja reveals to Bethenny what we've known for a while: that she and Tom last hooked up two weeks before LuAnn started dating him. Bethenny's "What are we? Who are we?" reaction is certainly over-the-top -- fucking two people two weeks apart is maybe not the most controversial thing in the world -- but it's also pretty goddamn funny.
Bethenny either gets very butt-hurt about her friends' tardiness or pretends to in order to convince the other women that she and Carole aren't as "cliquey" as they are -- a notion Carole actively tries to disavow later in the episode. But her lecture on punctuality is forgotten when Ramona snatches her bitch crown by preemptively complaining to Dorinda about the trip she's planned to Sandbar the next day. Shockingly, Ramona isn't thrilled about taking a boat out to a place where the goal is to wade through the water to buy hot dogs and margaritas in Solo cups. Dorinda slurs at Ramona to shut up, and we get some A1 nonsense-subtitling in the process.
Bonja Bones Ya
Bethenny and Sonja head back to the hotel while the other women, unburdened by demons of alcoholism or photo evidence of one of their friend's spouses cheating, hit up a nightclub. Sonja is no help with Bethenny's predicament, letting her spiral into madness until she actually calls Tom to confront him. Too bad for us, Tom doesn't pick up. So, you can skip.
Unless you want to watch Jules complain about Michael before straddling a trombone on stage at the club, in which case, be my guest.
Mother, Macramé I Stay Home?
At breakfast, the Lu goss continues. Carole tells Sonja that LuAnn referred to her as one of Tom's one-night stands, and Sonja reveals that LuAnn told her she doesn't feel the need to disclose whether she brought Tom to Sonja's apartment while she was living with her. Dorinda is disappointed when she walks in to find LuAnn once again the topic of conversation, seeing as she's one of the few still in the dark about the compromising photos. And the disappointment for Dorinda doesn't stop there. Ramona walks in a few minutes later, looking properly...ahem...filled from her date after the club, and tells Dorinda that she's too tired to come to Sandbar. Of course, she's not so tired that she can't throw on another macramé dress and head to Bagatelle to drink rosé with Sonja and Bethenny. While Ramona and Sonja change, Bethenny and Carole ask Dorinda whether she thinks LuAnn and Tom will actually make it down the aisle. She is still baffled by their skepticism, and Bethenny, rather bitchily, calls her the village idiot of the group for being so optimistic about them. Expect that to come up at the reunion in two weeks.
Bagatelle The Girl
Nothing new to report from the drunk lunch at Bagatelle, and you can probably skip over the Sandbar trip as well unless you want to watch Carole take a canoe to go buy a hot dog. LuAnn is only at a 5 on the Giddy Fiancée Scale, and that's just because some gays on a nearby boat yell "Chic, C'est La Vie" at her.
Ramona's A Pitbull
Bethenny's latest plan to avoid confrontation time with LuAnn until the morning of the last day of the trip is to invite everyone to a dinner with an artist friend of hers, Romero Britto, whom she refers to as "the king of Miami." Go ahead and look up his work. It's all stained-glass-esque portraits of cartoon characters. His art makes him the king of Miami the way these Real Housewives posts make me a publishing magnate.
Anyway, Dorinda picks a fight with Ramona about the Sandbar/Bagatelle stuff during dinner, but it's the 87th version of the same fight they've been having all season, and it's over before it really gets started. It's skippable, but we do come out of this segment with a new insta-classic quote from Dorinda. On Ramona: "She's a dog that bites. I'm not patting her on the ass, I'm not touching her on the face."
The next morning, LuAnn comes to Bethenny's room to finally confront her about their conversation from last week. First, she clears up her relationship with Alex: according to her, they were monogamous for the first twelve years of their marriage, and then they -- or he, as she seems to frame it -- started sleeping with other people when they moved to the States. Bethenny is more than happy to apologize for her "European marriage" comment considering the hammer she's about to drop. It takes her a while to get the words out, but Bethenny eventually tells LuAnn she has to show her something about Tom that LuAnn's not going to like. Before she can, though, Lu puts two and two together, tells Bethenny, "Don't do this to me," and runs crying from the room. We don't see much more than we did from the previews other than LuAnn trying and failing to escape the cameras when her room key fails to work. It's pretty tragic, but it's also pretty funny. My favorite kind of tragedy.
It's not a landmark episode like "Body of Evidence," but it's still a fun, intriguing, drama-fueled vacation that you should take.
For Booze Week, we ask:
Who is the drunkest Housewife on the Miami trip?
- 7. Carole Seems pretty uncomfortable to be on the boat with LuAnn, so I'm guessing she wasn't drinking that much.
- 6. Sonja She's still sober, but Sonja drank enough over the last thirty years that it'll never be completely out of her system.
- 5. Bethenny Claims to only have had one glass before calling Tom, but she definitely probably had at least three.
- 4. LuAnn Drunk on love...and merlot.
- 3. Jules Ummmm...Jules humped a trombone.
- 2. Ramona Not a visible mess like last week, but she does ditch one of her best friends so she can "drink champagne and watch pretty people."
- 1. Dorinda "Don't comfameezumased! Whakinna places are great like azumas." Thank you, Bravo subtitle guy or gal.