The Real Housewives Of New York City Are Finally Happy For LuAnn, Whether They Like It Or Not
Everyone keeps their shade to themselves as the ladies bask under the neon lights of the Mohegan Sun and 'celebrate' the Countess's engagement.
The Mohegan Sun Never Sets
Though this overnighter begins with some markers of a classic Bitch Trip™ (arguing over rooms; pairs of Housewives gossiping about each other in said rooms), everyone remains dully cordial throughout. Highlights -- and I use that term loosely -- include a dinner during which Bethenny does a headstand and Jules conspicuously disappears for a long stretch of time; a step class exposition from former aerobics teacher and the world's worst enunciator, Dorinda; and, most importantly, Ramonja dancing by themselves in an empty casino nightclub in the middle of the day.
Go ahead and watch, but don't expect this sad Connecticut outing to make up for the trip to Mexico that Bethenny's vagina ruined.
Radziwill You Please Not?
I've been blaming Adam for Carole's turn toward the grating this season, but even he seems fed up with her bullshit in this scene. After receiving a less-than-effusive response to their book proposal which implies -- with the aid of some loaded ellipses -- that funding a cookbook written by a couple that's only been dating for a year might not be the soundest business investment, Carole tricks Adam into a discussion about their relationship status. She states that, even if they were to break up before the book hit shelves, they'd be civil and promote it together. After all, they're mature adults, unlike the other Housewives whom Carole ticks through as examples of women who just have not figured out this whole relationship thing yet: "Ramona, her husband of twenty-five years leaves her for some girl...Dorinda's had a serious boyfriend for four years and they see each other only twice a week...and Sonja is fifty-two and still has friends with benefits." And she says all of this while watering her lilies with a gold spritzer which definitely cost too much and definitely came from the GOOP catalogue. By the time Carole forces Adam to score his satisfaction with their relationship on a 1-10 scale, I think even he would join me in my assertion that Carole has become the least essential Housewife. Hey, four seasons ain't a bad run!
Ramonja: Reluctant Party Planners
Sonja, dressed in her chicest gaucho drag...
...joins Ramona for some shopping, and to discuss throwing LuAnn an engagement party. Sonja is wary about having any involvement in planning the party considering her former fuck-bud status with Tom, and she thinks Ramona should butt out too. When she brings this up, Ramona throws out her arms as if to retroactively stop Sonja from mentioning on-camera their past dalliances with LuAnn's fiancé. Clearly, LuAnn has made it known that she doesn't appreciate them reaching back into Tom's "Before Lu" vault, and Ramona is at least attempting to respect her wishes. Ramona says she wants to "do the etiquette thing" and call Tom herself to ask if he'd like to attend, but Sonja doesn't think that's a great idea either. She tells Ramona how she dropped one of her bridesmaids when she found out that she called her then-fiancé at his office. God, I hope Sonja gets remarried before this show gets cancelled.
Can't Hold Her Back Anymore
I've said it before and I'll say it again: as loyal Housewives viewers, we are entitled to some screen time with Bryn. And if we're not going to join them on this ski trip that Bethenny's taking against the wishes of her doctors and assistants/best friends, we shouldn't have to watch her pack this absent child's Frozen-branded ski wear like this is some Disneyfied single-parent version of the end of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?.
Let Dorinda Take It From Here
At lunch in a fancy tea room, Dorinda tells Ramona that it'd probably be best if she planned LuAnn's engagement party instead of Ramona, considering the Housewives incest of it all. Ramona quickly deduces that this directive is coming from the Countess herself, and she is so miffed that she calls LuAnn's lack of faith in her "abusive." Now that's the melodramatic Ramona Singer I've come to love! Too bad nothing comes of it.
Trigger Warning: Jules And Shit
Jules hires a woman whom she frustratingly, repeatedly refers to as "the potty trainer whisperer" to teach her daughter, Rio, how to use the bathroom. Before she arrives, Jules's five-year-old son, Jagger, peeks from around the corner and pronounces, "Rio already knows how to pee because she pees out of her asshole." Look, I'm not happy about having transcribed that statement, but it's the duty (sorry) of serious journalists like me to not censor the truth. Jules responds to her son's comment by laughing and telling him, "You are not allowed to watch those YouTubes ever again." Jules's home life is a figurative and literal shit show.
Samantha the "Potty Training Consultant" seems good at her job, but she's also appearing on a Bravo reality show as a "Potty Training Consultant," so how well could her life be going, really? By the end of the scene, we learn the real purpose of Samantha's visit when Jules asks her, without a trace of irony, whether her daughter should be wiping front-to-back or back-to-front. When Samantha says she should wipe "the way that adults wipe," Jules stares at her blankly until she is forced to ask, "Well, what is that?" Sorry, Carole, I take it back: Jules is the worst.
Something Borrowed, Something Lu
Compared to their last group dinner which LuAnn stormed out of, her engagement party is notable for how INCREDIBLY HAPPY OH MY GOD YOU WON'T BELIEVE HOW UNCONDITIONALLY THRILLED everyone is for her. I don't know what LuAnn has on each of these women, but this dinner has a major hostage situation vibe. Carole even buys her a "crystal heart" engagement/apology present -- while letting us know in her confessional that this constitutes her taking the high road. In fact, the best part about this scene is how everyone is forced to reserve her bitchery for confessionals. Carole also notes that LuAnn is "a better woman with a man than without one," and Ramona interviews that she believes LuAnn is "more happy with the idea of being in love than [actually] being in love."
But no one has had it (OFFICIALLY) more than Sonja, who refuses to hold back one iota during her confessionals. On LuAnn's canary diamond ring, Sonja says, "This whole situation is loaded," and proceeds to talk about her own white diamond ring which Tom bought her. And when LuAnn announces that they're planning their wedding around New Year's, Sonja snarks, "By January, LuAnn might be engaged to some other guy!" Is Sonja jealous to be losing one of her paramours? Of course. But she's also a Kapital-K Kween and I love her more than words can say.
Between the sad casino trip and Lu's sad (I MEAN, VERY HAPPY) engagement party, this is not the New York Housewives at their best. Still, next week's yacht outing with Tom and the promise of a proper Hawaiian Bitch Trip™ has me cautiously optimistic for the rest of the season.