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Ramona Is Running An Apology Camp On The Real Housewives Of New York City

In a full hour of puppy nuptials and vaginal health problems, Sonja keeps looking better and better.

More Like Pho-DOG-rapher

I would be advising you to skip the segment where Carole takes her dog to a doggie photo shoot anyway, but that goes double after Carole mentions that one of the "celebrity" dogs in our midst belongs to the Fat Jew.

The Case For Sonja

Dorinda and Jules meet for some retail therapy, and Dorinda expresses her appreciation for Jules as a friend. It's always nice when the second-newest Housewife befriends the newest Housewife so she can have someone to boss around. Their friendship seems nice, though. (Because Dorinda MADE IT NICE.) Neither woman is interested in talking about her own life and…I mean, "relationship problems" doesn't seem like too great a leap to make given when we know about these two.

Instead, they talk about how Sonja's quit drinking and that they both secretly want her to come on the Mexico trip, not that either one of them would bring it up to ol' Hair-Trigger Frankel these days, who literally bleeds out of her vagina at the mere mention of Sonja or LuAnn.

Ramonja Reunited

Now that Sonja isn't drinking anymore, Ramona wants to be her friend again. Honestly, Ramona does seem to be genuinely interested in having Sonja maintain a healthy lifestyle and not be the slurry jerk she can be while drunk. Of course, Ramona is one to talk when it comes to getting sloppy on the sauce. Sonja even alludes to this in one of her interview bites. But it's nice to see these two chummy again. They get to strategizing about how to get Sonja in on this Mexico trip. We flash back a couple days to Ramona and Bethenny having the saddest Sad Desk Salad lunch of all time, and Bethenny says that "there has to be something that happens" before she could invite Sonja along. And there it is. The path to redemption laid out in front of Sonja. This also makes me think Bethenny knows she was too harsh on Sonja, but she still wants to wring an apology out of her anyway.

A Dorinda Medley Mystery

Dorinda And Jules Go Shopping, Part 2 is notable for Dorinda relaying a story about speaking to her friend, who is the ex lady of LuAnn's man Tom, the guy she met a month ago and is now going to marry. Dorinda got all the tea on Tom -- who LuAnn married during the commercial break -- and Ramona and their supposed multi-date courtship, which Bethenny used to bludgeon Lu over the head with. It turns out, Tom -- who has been married to LuAnn for 70 wonderful years -- only went on one date with Ramona. Here's hoping Dorinda busts that one out at an incredibly opportune time.

So You Want To Appear Penitent

We may never quite be able to fully grapple with Ramona's role this season as the apology whisperer. A woman who has never successfully apologized for anything in her entire life. And yet here she is, advising Sonja how to approach Bethenny hat-in-hand to get her ass invited to the Mexico trip. I suppose it's not that surprising; it's not like she's counseling sincerity. She's essentially running a tutorial on how to apologize when you don't mean it. Which she is most definitely qualified for.

Mexi-NO

Bethenny and Carole do a LOT of rehashing over drinks. Bethenny talks about her health problems again -- there's a lot of bleeding and something about fibroids and cysts, but she hasn't been to the doctor yet? -- and then recaps her entire drinks with Hurricane LuAnn. Of course, she could not have a more sympathetic audience in Carole. Bethenny decides she doesn't want LuAnn coming to Mexico after all, because she straight-up just doesn't like the bitch. …Okay, what is going on with these two? Bethenny's had eight years to get used to LuAnn's personality; this can't just be about that. I demand some kind of truth and reconciliation panel at the reunion.

Her Brand Is Crisis

Normally, I'd advise skipping a segment where Jules takes a meeting about a business opportunity involving a green juice concoction that Jules cobbled together from an old recipe of her mother's. Even though one of the R&D people we see looks remarkably like Heather Thomson. But watch this segment as yet another example of the water-tight brand management of Jules and Michael's separation. You'll recall that news broke about the impending end of their marriage last week, hours before an episode aired which showed Michael in an unflattering light for literally the first time ever. This week, Jules is talking about the green juice as a way for her to assert financial independence. She frames her working on this business plan as her "cheating" on Michael. And she closes the segment by mirthlessly teasing Michael about making more money than him so that "you might ask for half of my shit one day."

Here's my question: who's the tail and who's the dog in this situation? Did Jules get Bravo to hold back on any negative depictions of her marriage until they were ready to go public with the separation? Or did Bravo get Jules and Michael to announce their separation just as they were ready to kick off this storyline? Either way, this kind of synergy chills me to my bones.

Shop Home Goods: A Great Place For A Medical Emergency

Speaking of synergy that will chill you to your bones, there is a straight-up ad for Home Goods in the middle of this episode, and the only reason I don't feel gross even talking about it is that I can't imagine they envisioned their native advertising to be a scene where Bethenny tells Dorinda all about her fibroid tumors and the uncontrollable bleeding in her vagina. As with most Bethenny-related segments, the sarcastic humor and the legitimate pathos circle each other for a few moments before Bethenny literally leaves her cart in the checkout line to go to her doctor's appointment early. Dorinda, who is an excellent friend I believe, comes with her.

Rock And Roll, Coochie-Coo

Let's all figure this one out together, shall we? Jules has Sonja over so their dogs can have a play date (Sonja's dog is wearing a fur-lined bubble coat, I shit you not) and regales her with the story of how she bruised her vagina while straddling a windowsill. …I think. It's a bit hard to decipher because Jules steadfastly refuses to use grown-up words, and this we have to hear about how she got a "hematomato" on her "coochie-coo." And naturally, Sonja makes a reference to how Michael will probably divorce her if he ever sees her bruised-up vajay. This Jules divorce storyline is the play that Chekhov was always meant to write.

Camelot In Smithereens

This fucking dog wedding. The only way this gets a "watch" is if Bethenny shows up in a wheelchair and starts reciting lines from Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf? at Sonja. Also when did Carole become such a dork? I hesitate to blame Adam, because Adam is handsome, and handsome people shouldn't get blamed for anything. But something's happened to her over the course of four seasons, and she's gone from Kennedy princess to a woman who's throwing her doggie a wedding on national TV.

She Made It Nice Again

Bethenny's post-doctor debrief with Dorinda is not un-serious. She's gotta a shit-ton of fibroids in her uterus, she lost 10% of her blood (!!) and is anemic, and she's either going to have to have the fibroids removed or have a hysterectomy. Either way, it's a multi-day hospital stay, which is freaking her out. Dorinda is thankfully there to really impress on Bethenny that she has to give in on this one and, say, put the Mexico trip on ice while she concentrates on this medical procedure. Dorinda is honestly a really good mom-figure for Bethenny. When she and John aren't drunk and sweaty and coked up and fighting at Bethenny's beach house all summer, one imagines.

High Line Hotel For Dogs

Okay, UNCLE. I will give the doggie wedding segment a "watch" but ONLY because New York City journalism treasure Cindy Adams is officiating the ceremony in a dog sweater and a hairdo that is like if you balanced I Dream Of Jeannie's bottle atop her head and them camouflaged it with hair. Carole's dog isn't even the one getting "married," she's a goddamned bridesmaid. And then Simon Doonan, who is a treasure who needn't lower himself in this manner, is there to walk the "bride" down the aisle, because the fucking Fat Jew wouldn't even agree to be on this show, and I'd demand an explanation from him, but he'd probably just copy it from somebody else. The hands-down best thing about this is watching certified ridiculous people Ramona Singer and Sonja Morgan stare wide-eyed at how obnoxiously too-much this whole charade is. Pet owners: look at this. This is you. This is what you look like.

Ramona Gets An Urge

After Dorinda relays the information about Bethenny's ill health to the group -- and the fact that the Mexico trip ain't happening -- Sonja tellingly asks after Bethenny's long-term health, while Ramona bemoans the loss of an opportunity to show off her new bathing suit. And then she cuts into the unblemished doggie wedding cake and eats the first slice. Here's hoping she instructs herself on how to apologize for that.

Verdict

This is going to sound terrible, but it's the truth: thank God for Bethenny's uterus full of fibroid tumors or else this episode would have been completely skippable.

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