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On The Real Housewives Of New York City, Carole's Heart Breaks, But Ramona Doesn't Notice

Because why waste time on someone who disinvites you from their election night party, anyway?

My excitement at reconsidering the state of the nation through Carole's lens might make me a masochist, but it also underscores a deep and abiding love of the cast's realness: at least three of the seven cast members live their lives as an embodiment of Diddy's "no bitchassness" mandate.

Don't believe me? Let's count them down, from worst to first:

  1. Tinsley

    Tinsley continues to do nothing, which is really just sad for her, tbh; her drama-causing skills seem limited to what she was able to pick up from the one day she spent on the set of Gossip Girl. Her most scandalous moment comes when she misreads the dress code on the invitation for Ramona's party; while that's something Blair Waldorf would kill over, it's something of a snooze here. And, in fact, she's always been a snooze! It's a mystery why we're even talking about her, aside from the fact that's she's blonde and pretty and has money. There is literally nothing interesting about this woman, up to and including the mug shot she keeps bragging about. How sad.

  2. Ramona

    Ramona is the kind of friend who inspires you to throw her a surprise birthday party, but also causes you to sprout several grey stress hairs over the fact that she might blow it off for a date downtown with a guy known only as Mr. Reinbeck (she forgot his first name) instead. Which is to say: she's franchise gold, but also a fairly terrible person. It's a partial relief to see that turning sixty hasn't caused her to reevaluate her life, but it's also ridiculous that a sixty-year-old feels the need to celebrate for a exactly one whole month. (Either celebrate yourself every day, or be happy with an ice cream cake once a year!) And also: the dress-shopping scene is just in poor taste. You know it, I know it, and the showroom assistant who has to fake enthusiasm at Ramona's suggestion of champagne knows it.

  3. Sonja

    The Mommie Dearest of houseguests outdoes herself by speaking plainly about her dating life: Frenchie is for fucking; Rocco is (maybe) for marriage (and money). It's an admirable bit of self-awareness, cancelled out only by the passive-aggressiveness she directs towards Tinsley for failing to bring her back an unrequested drink from the bar. It's a petty bit of loneliness that underscores the FOMO she's feeling ever since Tinsley dared to dine with LuAnn and Dorinda without first asking for her permission. It's not a good look, but Sonja might be the one Housewife who most needs a real friend and/or therapist. There's an emptiness to her that she's mature enough not to fill with vapid self-absorption but aloof enough to leave empty until she finally adopts a designer puppy.

  4. LuAnn

    A Countess in love is a boring countess, but still a Countess (at least for now).

  5. Dorinda

    After last week's explosion, Dorinda takes some time to relax, don a white pantsuit, help LuAnn pick out a tie for Tom, and throw Ramona's surprise party. Which is really nice! Less exciting and less interesting, but really, really nice nonetheless.

  6. Bethenny

    Queen B coolly refuses to attend Ramona's birthday party, explaining, quite simply, that while she wishes Ramona a happy birthday, she just doesn't want to be part of it. It's a power move derived from a reasonable, logical maturity that only the most petty (Ramona and Sonja) can fault her for. They do, but it doesn't matter; Bethenny is never more peak Bethenny than when she dines with friends at Dos Caminos before casually dropping by Carole's election night party, and trying to force-feed the guests; this woman suffers no fools or leftovers. And can you blame her? She runs circles around the others while only slow jogging.

  7. Carole

    Look, does Carole get to be #1 because she's the baddest B in town? Absolutely not; Carole is by all accounts a flake who's currently shacked up with two cats, a dog, and a boyfriend all named "Baby." But she has heart, dammit, and heart goes a long way--

    Jk, the heart parts and watching her watch the election results is devastating. But there are four reasons Carole reigns supreme:

    1. Her Cookie Monster coat.
    2. The way she casually looks like a super-hot goth librarian in the dress Ramona asked the shopkeeper to hide from her.
    3. The fact that she wears pants to a party with a "little black dress" dress code.
    4. Her mom, Helen.

    Why Helen? Because she's an awesome, sarcastic older lady who has seen it all, protested people protesting subsidized housing, and casually responds to her daughter's decision not to have kids with a casual "Good, I have enough grandkids anyway." So that's why Carole gets the top spot: that's the force she has behind her, and imbued within her.

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