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No One On The Real Housewives Of New York City Is Happy For LuAnn

The other women are definitely cool to LuAnn. Okay, more like ice-cold. What does a Countess have to do for the bitches in her life to be happy for her?

No Man's Skinnygirl

Watch this part if you're either really into Team Bethenny, or if you wish Bethenny had a Rachel Zoe-esque spinoff series. She's getting ready to launch her latest Skinnygirl brand extension, Skinnygirl Chocolate. Because who doesn't love diet chocolate. Bethenny is still feeling pre-surgical anxiety, and she says this is the last business obligation she needs to get out of the way before the surgery, which makes me think the surgery is legit tomorrow, because you know she's not following any doctor's orders to take it easy. Case in point: this Skinnygirl event, for which she's contracted the services of a "celebrity makeup artist" and a "celebrity hairstylist," who team up to dress her like Sydney Bristow in the Alias pilot. The makeup artist also tells some horrifyingly bougie story about just having had his fat frozen, which sounds like a cut scene from Brazil.

Dance Like Nobody's Caring

Ramonja partake in some dance lessons, which means some poor off-Broadway production got bumped from its studio space because these two old alcoholic broads decided they wanted to mom-dance for a few hours. The whole thing is just an excuse to make sure we're all caught up on LuAnn's storyline, which hasn't changed at all since last we met. Ramona says "the girls" don't like her right now, but she doesn't mean "the girls," she means "Bethenny and Carole."

Where Were the Skinnygirl Brand Release Forms?

The Skinnygirl event is fine, though it must have been held right after that big NYC blizzard back in January, because there are some serious snowbanks around Union Square. Bethenny looks great in the red wig, though daytime red carpet always looks desperate in New York, and especially in the middle of January. The only real point of interest is that one of the employees at Dylan's Candy Bar didn't sign a release, so he'll forever be The Guy Who Didn't Go to Paris Got His Face Blurred on Bravo.

Lipps Inc.

Ugh, Jules. She's still dealing with her damn coochie-coo, which her OBGYN tells her is going to be fine, but she can't deal with how bruised it's looking, so it's off to the plastic surgeon. Whose mouth is so tight/deadened that he needs to be subtitled. Jules wants her vulva back to looking like a "perfect little pistachio," and suddenly my lifelong aversion to said nut makes sense. Doc Tightlips tells her everything is looking good, seriously, and she's temporarily mollified. At least long enough to consider getting some impulse-purchase lip injections.

You Need to Call Progesterone / But You Can't Use My Phone

It's two days until Bethenny's surgery, and only now did she think to get a second opinion. (Says a person who's never sought a second opinion -- hell, sometimes not a first opinion -- for anything.) Carole is with her, and she actually has some good advice for her friend, counseling that while second opinions can be valuable, Bethenny shouldn't fall into the trap of "doctor shopping" until she finds someone to tell her she doesn't have to have this surgery that scares her. Still, they see a holistic doctor who's more into hormone therapy, and she prescribes progesterone treatments rather than the surgery. Which is music to Bethenny's ears, but, you know, stay tuned.

If You Can't Be Cool...

To celebrate her day of not having her uterus tinkered with while the rest of her organs sit atop her stomach (thanks for that image, Carole), Bethenny has Dorinda, Carole, and Ramona over for some tea and conversation. Which, again, translates to bitching about LuAnn. Actually, first it's kind of fun, with the women giving Ramona shit for still using a diaphragm like a power-suit-wearing '80s lady. (Ramona: "It's always in place, baby!")

Dorinda pointedly abstains from the LuAnn bitch sesh, which mostly consists of Bethenny and Ramona talking about how, since Tom, LuAnn thinks she's better than everyone else. Oh calm down, you hags. Granted, that scene with Bethenny two weeks ago was a filibuster the likes of which Democrats in Congress would kill for, and the woman possesses approximately zero self-awareness, but LuAnn is clearly not coming from a place of malice here. She's oblivious and annoying, but watching these women pile on her for being overly eager to jump at the next marriageable guy is the bad kind of Mean-Girling.

Snitches Get Grits(es)

Not even the prospect of what LuAnn's voice sounds like when she has a cold should make you interested in this scene where Dorinda and LuAnn have breakfast (Dorinda orders the breakfast sandwich without bread before changing her order to a salad; these fucking people) and Dorinda tattles about all the shit Ramona is talking about Lu. It also includes yet ANOTHER practice-apology scene. This time, Dorinda gets to try out her best Ramona Singer. It's not bad.

...You Can't Be With the Countess

Finally, all these back-biting women have to be in the same room together. Including Bethenny, who shows up dressed like Karen Allen in that Ghost of Christmas Future scene in Scrooged. This whole scene is headed in one direction, and we get there relatively quickly. After Carole actually makes nice with LuAnn and tells her she's happy for her new relationship (which is all LuAnn needs to be cool with Carole, which is both ridiculous and kind of sweet?), Lu basically sneers at all the other women in the room for not being happy for her. And THEN Sonja drops the bomb that she and Tom have been fuck-buddies for years. Which it seems LuAnn knew about but resents having brought up in public. Lu upbraids Ramona for talking behind her back, then sizes up the entire room and bellows, "All my friends are happy for me except for you bitches!"

TO BE CONTINUED

Verdict

I mean, watch it, but make sure you're got errands to do while it's on. This is all setup for the final scene, and even that we only get half of.

For Must See TV Week we ask:

What would this episode's Friends-style title be?

  • The One After the Blizzard
  • The One With All The Progesterone
  • The One With Jules's Perfect Little Pistachio
  • The One Where Sonja Accidentally-On-Purpose Spilled the Beans About Fucking Tom
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