Is Ramona RHONYC's Coolest Mom?
Or, like, a regular mom? And how was Luann's wedding? Find out in this week's rankings!
From Luann's Sinister snuff film of a wedding video to Bethenny deluge, this week is another brick in The Wall Of Sadness the season is shaping up to be. Thus, I'm once again forced to shake things up and shift features. Let's take a look at things in Episode 11 ranked from least to greatest.
To the rankings!
- The Wedding
For what it's worth, the wedding -- apart from the curious choice to have a Marilyn Monroe impersonator jump out of a cake and sing "Happy Birthday" to Tom -- looked beautiful. Seeing it unfold while she narrates and tries to sell us on the idea of her and Tom as a couple, however, is something else entirely. Oh, Lu.
- Ramona Singer, Cool Mom
Ramona going out with Avery and her friends while everyone else is at Bethenny's holiday party eating caviar and learning what a luge is isn't unexpected. What is unexpected is how sad it is. Don't get me wrong, it's a terrific set piece and hilarious…but sad, too. For every line that feels lifted from Sofia Coppola's The Bling Ring -- "Pellegrino's, like, my water." "That's, like, one of my favorite things…about going to your house. There's always, like, bottled water." -- there's Ramona, who's desperate for a relationship with these twentysomethings that's somewhere between a night in with a bottle of Chablis during ABC's Thank God It's Thursday, and watching the door when she's in the bathroom with someone at Beautique. And who knows, maybe she'll get it; Emma seemed weak and interested.
Sad as this is though, it's no Luann's wedding commentary.
- Carole & The Trip to Chinatown
Carole and Bethenny's trip to Chinatown has one saving grace: Bethenny engaging with food. I don't know about you, but I don't really need a Bethenny/Fredrik spinoff, nor do I really need to see her on Shark Tank. I do, however, want to see her doing something Top Chef-related. I know, I know: over Padma and Gail's dead bodies will that ever happen, but I'd like to throw it out. So, now that it's out there, let's talk about Carole…oof.
How has Carole never had dim sum before? How does she have approximately zero context for what dim sum even is? Hasn't she seen Working Girl? And is she trying to make a tone-deaf joke about Tom being gay because he's allegedly slept with every other woman in New York, or is she actually trying to suggest Tom is gay? Why is she being so rude and combative in the ice cream shop?
Carole, the show's Emmy- and Peabody-winning journalist and woke downtown princess, now looks like a standard-issue ugly American in what seems to be her first trip to Chinatown. In a week where everyone and everything is the worst in its own sad, hyper-specific way, this stands out because of how genuinely surprising it is. Further proof that before Adam's sexy salads she subsisted on the frozen chicken wings and fistfuls of granola she had delivered to her apartment in bulk. Speaking of Adam, I'm not even going to get into how much of a mom she sounds like talking about their relationship at lunch. And I'm definitely not going to get into her relationship with Bethenny's luge.
- Luann's Wedding After-After-After-Party
What do you do when nobody cares about your relationship? Force it upon them in the form of a dozen events. We only see the wedding's sizzle reel, but I feel confident saying that this party and the restaurant-basement Airbnb it's being hosted in are apropos of what Luann and Tom's relationship is now that they're back in New York. Which is to say nondescript and harshly lit. And not for nothing, I don't doubt that Luann is a Maneater with a freak side, but she and I were both visibly uncomfortable when Tom -- who still doesn't want to wear a ring -- went in for a kiss by putting a hand around her throat and pulling her in.
- Bethenny's Luge
Multitudinous, I can say I'd like to see Bethenny replace Gordon Ramsay or co-host some one-season wonder in the Top Chef universe with Curtis Stone while also poking fun at her for her luge. It's fun for a few minutes, but her desperation to get everyone on-board the fun and super cool party amenity makes this like the scene in The Shining with the naked woman. One minute we're having an ice-cold shot of a Skinnygirl branded beverage, truly having fun, and the next we're drinking water with brown ice out of a dirty glass with a hair on the rim at Sonja's house. It's a nice luge! A luge I'd love to try! I don't want to talk about it the whole night, though.
- Bethenny's Assistant
Bethenny says, "Did you hear? Just the tip…" on a loop to Dorinda to no avail while she's shown how to open and eat an oyster. Off-camera, one of her assistants says, "I knew she wouldn't let that go." It's small and miraculous.
As revolutionary as she is dated, Sonja and her musty townhouse continue to be a breath of fresh air. I still think she's going to kill Tinsley at some point -- probably after she finds out she and Connor went to Heartland Brewery without her for lunch -- but until then, I like seeing her casually flit between two men no one in the cast's slept with yet. It really is a joy watching her try to justify dating Rocco and Edgar -- a.k.a. "Frenchie" -- and jockey between the idea that she's not hurting anyone because love is love and everything's open, and shit I need to tell my sort of boyfriend about my other sort of boyfriend before he finds out. Sonja lets it all hang out, warts and all, and it's great. She even does a death drop of sorts this week while telling Connor about how Edgar said he's fine with adoption if she ever wants to have children! Which definitely sounded like it hurt, but to which she paid no mind because, unlike Bethenny and her prop comedy with the Luge, Sonja's actually fun. She doesn't have to work as hard as the others to try to come up with sayings in her talking heads. She may be "The Repeater," Bethenny, but she also doesn't have to repeat a zinger eight times so we know it's a zinger and extension of the brand.
Which, speaking of, Sonja, I don't care if you even came up with it or not, but please trademark "After 11, Leave At 7" and come out with, I don't know, an alarm clock or edible lube. Oh, and please go easy on Rocco
The difference between Dorinda and everyone else is that she genuinely loves Luann and doesn't give a fuck about her wedding. So much so that she forgot to buy a ticket to buy a plane ticket to Palm Beach, and showed up late, buzzed, and without her dress for hair and makeup once she finally got there. Plus, she's the person who tells Luann that she has to stop doing wedding stuff. You're married! Stop throwing mini-weddings and go be married! Is her sober speech any better than her slurred drunk speech at their engagement party? No, not really, but that's why I love her. And kudos to her for formally confronting Ramona at her own event about the damage at Bluestone Manor…even if we didn't get to see all of it.